|Don't know what an IUI is, just click here.|
I really want to believe that my body will get pregnant without an IUI but I also want to get pregnant asap. I want to know I did everything I could the first time and if I don't get pregnant then we can try again next month, but at least I'll know I did everything I could right away. I have hated my body for so long for failing me in the past while ttc Liam, and I just don't trust it to get pregnant without any help. I know it could be worse, that I could be having to do IVF, but either way I still hate it that we have to use anything at all to get pregnant. Why couldn't it just be easy and I could get pregnant the first time without any help, have a baby with no birth defects, and of course one that lives? Or is that asking for too much?
My Dr. had wanted me to do the HCG injection on Thursday night and do the IUI on Saturday morning. She thinks that would be the best day to do it but I am going out of town to Dawson City with Dereck and some friends for the 4th of July weekend. I have been wanting to go back to Dawson City for awhile. Dereck and I went a few years ago and my friends have never been there. It's more so a "we want to gamble and there is a little casino there and there isn't any casinos in Alaska" kind of trip. I was hesitant to want to make plans in advance to go though because we have been stressing so much about all our medical bills from the fetal surgery and all the flying we have had to do in the past 6 months to get the surgery and then for the funeral and burial stuff and now paying for these ultrasounds that ins. isn't covering sucks. Then when I went to buy the HCG shot I apparently forgot how much that cost because my jaw dropped when they told me how much I owed and that yet again my ins. doesn't cover it. Which I know my ins. doesn't cover infertility stuff but I am just really sick of my ins. in general not covering anything I have had done this year. I don't want to sound like a big complainer about all of this because I know other fertility stuff costs so much more than what I am doing and well anyone that has a baby in the NICU or other medical problems I would assume feel the same way. I guess I am just thinking about our next baby and how I want to be a stay at home mom so bad and afraid that I might have to stay working until we can get caught up on all our medical bills. Dereck has a great job and can get overtime almost anytime he wants it but I also don't want him to be working so much that he is never around to watch his child grow. I know I should just quit thinking so much about everything but that's what I do, I think and I worry, especially about a lot of stuff I can't even control. Not mention there are way worse things to complain and be stressed about- like your baby dying. I just want to be the best parent I can and give the next baby the everything.
Okay back to HCG injection and IUI. As I said above she wanted to do the IUI on Saturday but I am out of town. That was kind of another reason why I worried about making plans and going because I just had this feeling that about the time we wanted to go out of town it would end up being the exact time my body would decide to ovulate. And sure enough that's exactly how's its going to be. My Dr. decided to just do everything a day early, so at 1:30am Dereck gave me the HCG injection in my backside, then I will get the IUI tomorrow afternoon at 1:30 pm. Thankfully my work has been very understanding this past week since I have been having to leave early or come in late a bunch this past week for all my appt.'s.
I am so excited and yet still so nervous. I am excited of course because I want to be pregnant so badly again and the time has finally come. I just wish I didn't have to wait at least another week or so to find out if am pregnant or not. I also realized that my perinatologist at UCSF had told us that they would prefer that we wait at least 6 months until ttc again and Sunday will be exactly 6 months so if I get pregnant from the IUI on Friday its just 2 days shy of the 6 month mark.
On the other hand though, Sunday also marks exactly 6 months since the fetal surgery and Liam passing away. Not sure how I feel about that yet and a little nervous. I have been in such a great mood these past few weeks. I am not sure if I am just that excited and caught up in the whole ttc time or if maybe I am just better at handling my emotions now. I mean I am not forgetting Liam and I think about him every minute of everyday still but I do cry a lot less these days. I actually don't think I have cried in over a week if not two weeks. I will be with friends all weekend and hopefully having a great time, so I hope the sadness doesn't hit me and I am unable to get myself together to enjoy the rest of our weekend away.
Plus, wondering if I am pregnant will be on my mind the entire time which makes me more nervous because I am freaking out about what I am going to eat because I am crazy(excessively crazy) about my folic acid intake these days. As I have said in my previous post on folic acid and neural tube defects I have been consuming either something fortified or with folate in it at every meal along with my extra folic acid vitamins. Also since neural tube defects occur within the first 18 days, if I am pregnant this time is crucial for me. A little anal about this I know, but it is on my mind daily. I think I might be packing my Total cereal for this trip.
And yes Liz, if you read this, I do really want to go out of town with you guys this weekend. It will be a lot of fun and is a much needed get away, just a lot on my mind lately.