Friday, December 30, 2011

20 Weeks Or 5 Months

Well I am officially to the half way point in a 40 week pregnancy. I will not be going to 40 weeks so I guess I reached the half way mark a week or two ago already, that is depending on when the c-section date will be of course.

Does 20 weeks mean much to me. Not really. It doesn't mean I am out of the "shit can still go wrong stage" I know that firsthand nor does it guarantee me a living healthy take home baby at the end neither.

It is a good milestone to some, and don't get me wrong I am glad time has been moving along as fast as it has, but a good milestone for me is getting past 25 weeks+6 days. That one will be huge. Reaching viability is also a good milestone, but if the CPR is unsuccessful, viability doesn't mean much.

Anyways, enough on that.

I am happy to see this year coming to an end.
Next year just has to be better than this one.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Another First Gone By... Just A Few Firsts Remaining

Don't know what to say about Christmas really. I could talk forever about how I wish Liam could have been here celebrating another first, and how much I miss him, but that's what I wish for and feel everyday.

I was and am happy to be pregnant with Liam's little sister but was still for the most part just numb on Christmas. Christmas eve was better than Christmas day for sure, but we all know it could've been better. Did a little skiing, Dereck and I cooked our own little Christmas dinner for ourselves, opened our presents for each other, and went searching the town for Christmas lights. Christmas day I just felt tired and on the cranky side, my lack of sleep lately probably had more to do with that though. Sat around most of the day and that evening went to a friends Christmas dinner. Ate and talked a little with friends but for the most part didn't feel much like socializing. Normally I would have gone home to Minnesota to see family for Christmas but I wouldn't have been much fun, so a mellow Christmas with just Dereck is really all I needed and probably could have handled. And honestly I would love it if no one else felt the need to ask me about how my Christmas was.

However, I was so grateful for the ones that remembered him; blm's Sarita, Deanna, and Shauna "thank you." Also, a big thank you to Dereck's sister who sent me a picture of the ornament she added to her tree this year for Liam, it brought tears to my eyes and was the best gift ever. She also told me she had a talk with her little boy about Liam and how he was in heaven with the stars and angels. She said that he wished his baby cousin were here to play with but  since he is in heaven he gets to meet Superman's mom and dad. So sweet knowing that she thinks and talks about him:)

It is now the week leading up to the fetal surgery that took place just one year ago. A few weeks ago the anticipation for this time was eating away at me causing unnecessary panic of how I will get through this time. As with Christmas, right now I am just numb about the whole thing. I haven't been crying or dwelling on this time last year and where we were at like I thought I'd be, not that I have forgotten because I know exactly where we were each and every day; Christmas, baby shower, and then off to San Francisco for testing, meeting doctors, January 3rd, and so on. I am just lost in my own little world about it. Feel like I can't cry but don't really want to talk about it either. If that makes any sense at all. I still don't even know what to do for the big one year, his birthday, just 6 days away. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Anatomy Scan And 18 Weeks + 5 Days

So far this past week has been pretty darn good.

First off is that I am finally for sure that I can feel my little babe kicking versus it being gas or all in my head. So wonderful to be feeling that again!

Second being that Liam has a baby sister! Yup, that's right, we are having a girl! We have a couple girl names that we like but nothing has been decided yet.

Third and most importantly being that everything is measuring spot on. No signs of any hydrocephalus, spina bifida, or other abnormality.  Woo hoo! Happy Dance!

So here she is at 18 weeks + 5 days and a whopping 9 oz.

After the u/s was over we talked with the Dr. about when she would suggest doing a c-section. She preferred not going past 37 weeks and if anything she said we could do an amnio at 36 weeks just to ensure baby is doing good for an early delivery. Really hope my Ob will agree with her on that plan.

We will be going back and seeing the Perinatologist again in 6 weeks. At this appt she will do another u/s to look at my uterus closer and make sure that my incision still looks good.

Friday, December 16, 2011

18 Weeks

It is amazing how much my attitude and anxiety changes from one week to the next. Pregnancy after babyloss has as many ups and downs as the roller coaster that is grief. Since I have received those wonderful Quad screen results the other week I have definitely enjoyed being on the up. I have been feeling like Christmas might not be as bad as I imagined, still sad since my little guy isn't here to celebrate, but don't think I'll be curled up crying in a depressed state all day either.

In memory of Liam I decided to chose some names off the Salvation army tree this year. I can't believe I have never done that before, it felt good, really good. I really wanted to find one for an infant to 1 year old boy preferably named William or Liam. Couldn't find that so I got one tag that was for a little 1 year old boy named Harry and another for a 3 year old boy named William, and no I wasn't trying to chose the prince's names, it just happened that way. When I dropped off those gifts I noticed there were so many names still left on the tree at my work so I decided I had to get a few more gifts, and like I said it felt really, really good knowing I could at least put a smile on another child's face this holiday season.

I had another Ob visit yesterday and my little babe's heartbeat is still trucking along at a perfect 160 bpm. My Dr. even mentioned how much happier I have seemed these past few appts. compared to the nervousness/anxiety I brought to the first few appts. Getting good test results does that to you I guess. My only concern is that Dereck asked her about when we would be setting up the c-section date and she responded with telling us its too early for that but that she would like to try and wait until 39 weeks. That freaks me out considering the fetal surgery docs told me never to go into labor or past 38 weeks, ever. I understand my docs concern about making sure my baby is big and healthy but the idea of a uterine rupture (I know statistically the chances are on the lower end and she said I would be monitored closely, but I've heard all that before) or stillbirth (I know too many mommas who lost there babies around that 38-39 week mark) scares the crap out me. No need to worry about that now though.

Next Wednesday is my anatomy scan/level 2 u/s with the Perinatologist. Hoping and praying that these tests have been right and baby will be perfect. Also will find out if all my friends and Dereck are right and we are having a girl. I am definitely starting to feel like this has got to be a girl, but what do I know. Baby just be healthy please.

I thought I would share an awkward situation I had the other week in regards to my concern about getting asked the question of this pregnancy being my first.

Since I was so overjoyed about my Quad screen results. I bought my very first pair of maternity jeans. When I was trying the pants on I had asked the lady working there a few questions about how they should fit in regards to gaining weight in other areas besides the belly region because they fit perfectly now and was afraid if my thighs or butt got any bigger they would no longer fit. The lady asks me if this is my first child and I hated to do it but just wanted to avoid getting into the story that it was my second but didn't get to the point last pregnancy that I felt the need to buy maternity jeans, so I told her no. As I am checking out she starts asking me questions telling me that once she gets my info into their system I'll get all this enfamil and other baby related stuff in the mail. I kind of wanted to tell her that I didn't want that crap since I have kind of been down that road of receiving baby stuff before for a child that never got the chance to utilize any of it, but didn't. So I gave her my info and low be hold she says that I am already in there system and then asks me this stupid question, "Are you sure this isn't your first baby because I have a due date set for April 12th, 2011?" Oh fuck me I thought, I completely forgot I had bought one of those pant button extender things last winter.  Plus, if I already told her it's my first why would she ask me if I'm sure. Hello lady put two and two together and realize I just don't want to talk about it right now. Felt ridiculous for lying to her and then getting caught in said lie. Maybe it really is just best to be honest about everything upfront to avoid situations like these.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Just The News I Needed And 16 Weeks + 4 Days

I have been incredibly anxious for so many reasons. First being that I am nervous for this month and all that it meant for me and Liam, the time leading up to the fetal surgery, and the big one year mark. Second is my anxiety for this pregnancy. I have been just so nervous to tell people I'm pregnant because I am afraid people will forget Liam and assume this baby is a replacement to him and they'll assume now I can just move on and be happy. Also I am afraid of telling people things are going good and then they go bad again. I'm scared of being visibly pregnant and having people I don't know ask me about this pregnancy, especially patients at work. I mean I have already gone through almost a year of telling people about Liam and answering the question to people that don't know me that "I do in fact have a son but that he died", but the idea of telling people that ask if this is my first that "no it is actually my second" scares the crap out of me. And of course also scared because I want this baby to be birth defect free and live.

This anxiety was seriously getting the best of me, but then I got the call of calls, exactly what I needed.

While trying to wait patiently, well not so much, for these quad screen results because I needed to know them so badly the nurse finally called me tonight. I want to jump for joy and typing this with a huge smile on my face. According to the labs my babe has a 1 in 5000 chance of having both a neural tube defect and for trisomy. 1 in 5000 people! I had to repeat that back to her just to make sure I heard her correctly. This is incredible to me, the best thing I've heard in awhile, and exactly what I needed right now to calm the skyrocketed, heart pounding anxiety that I have had. Woohoo!

So here I am, 4 months into my pregnancy and have had all great test results so far. I feel like this is a huge milestone to have not had one red flag yet! Do I dare say that I think this baby might actually be perfectly healthy, can I let the excitement in, and not be speaking too soon? Yippee!

Other than that anxiety craziness and now this fabulous news there hasn't been anything too new this past week and probably nothing new till the next Ob appt next Thursday. Maybe I'll try and get the nerve up to tell some more people about this pregnancy. So far at work, besides the other girl that's pregnant and my boss, I have only told our PA and she said she thought I was pregnant because I have seemed happier in the last couple months then I have in a long time. That was good to hear that others have noticed I have been happier, anxious, but happier.

Monday, December 5, 2011

11 Months

Sweet Liam,

I'm sorry little buddy, I am a little behind on writing you. I have had way too much on my mind lately. I can't even believe December is here already with January just around the corner. My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past couple weeks just thinking about eveything that happened just one year ago and how now, one year later, I am going to get through this time. I know I just need to take it day by day, just breathe, and not worry about how I am going to get through the next month but it is just weighing me down and I can't seem to get it off my mind.

Just one year ago on December 2nd we had our anatomy scan and I learned you were a little boy. That same day your father and I also learned of your hydrocephalus and were told we needed to go see a Perinatologist. That seems to be where it all started. I was definitely scared little buddy but at the same time this when your kicks got strong enough that we could see them. I was so in love. How would I have guessed that in a few weeks, just two days after Christmas, we would have found ourselves on a journey to San Francisco?

So now what do I do for January 3rd. I don't even know what to call it. I guess birthday because it was the day you were born, but you shouldn't have been born then, not that soon. It's still so hard for me to not think about the fetal surgery and the fact that January 3rd was the day that changed your life, our lives, just not the way we had expected. I want to be able to celebrate your beautiful, yet short life, but I find myself still getting so angry with the way things played out that day. I just don't know what to do, I just wish I could let go of this anger.

I love you so much and I hope others remember you too and just how special you are to me.

Love, Mom

Oh, and if you have a chance little buddy there are quite a few mommas celebrating the first birthdays of there little ones in heaven right now, if could give them all a hug because I am sure they are missing their mommas as much their mommas are missing them.
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