Saturday, April 28, 2012

Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen

My precious rainbow baby, my much loved and wanted baby girl, I love you so much. I'll never understand why you had to leave so soon. I hope you have fun in heaven and get to play with your big brother. I know he will take care of you. One day your father and I will be able to join you both and our family will be together again.
Mommy loves you so much baby girl
4/22/2012 - 4/24/2012
Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen
Born Sunday April 22nd at 9:59pm
5 lbs. 9.2 oz. and 19 3/4 inches long
Here is the link to her obituary if anyone one wants to see it or sign the guestbook.

Friday, April 20, 2012

36 Weeks or 9 Months

Busy week this past week.

I have been nesting cooking, with lots of cleaning that still needs to be done. Dereck keeps telling me that he's pretty sure he can make something for me to eat once the baby comes home but I have been crazy with my crock pot lately and then storing it all in my freezer.

Sunday Dereck and I finally sat down and finished the design for Liam's gravestone. It's officially paid for and now we are just anxiously waiting to see the finished product. Every time that I have tried to work on his marker I get super emotional and have to quit working on it immediately, but Sunday I worked through the tears and think I am gonna like the outcome. I say I think because I don't think designing a marker for your babies grave is anything any parent should have to do, but I am happy to have it finished before baby girl arrives. I will post more details and pics of it when it's finished.

Tuesday I had my last Perinatologist appt. I was hoping to get one last picture of baby girl but her face was smashed into the placenta and she also had both hands up blocking it. Oh well, I'll get to see her soon enough I guess. She is measuring in the 21rst percentile, which doesn't bother me anymore like it once did. Plus, if there calculations are correct she is 5 lb.s 6 oz. and if she adds about another half pound or so in the next week she will be right around that 6 lb. mark, which I think is just perfect. My incision looks great. It is thinning a bit, but not anymore than expected with a growing uterus, which is good. I guess there are some adhesion's on the top of my uterus where my incision is but my Perinatologist isn't too concerned about that either since we won't be doing this c-section in that same location, so good good.

Wednesday I had steroid shot one, with the second shot on Thursday, followed by my weekly Ob appt right after. I felt like crap, pretty nauseous and felt like I wanted to throw up all day on Thursday and even when I got to work today I felt the same way. Came to the conclusion that it must be from the shots which then got me all paranoid because then I got worried how it was affecting baby girl. I starting thinking about how with Liam I got the shots on a Friday-Saturday and then he died that following Monday. Not that the shots were on any level related but it still worried me and for the first time in a couple of months I had to get the doppler out last night before bed just to make sure all was well.

My Ob appt didn't end up being like my typical appts have been lately either. What I assumed would be a normal 15 minute check up turned into almost an hour and a half. My Ob asked me right away about how baby girls movements were, which I mentioned that she hadn't moved around much that morning but assumed she was sleeping in. Then as my Ob gets the doppler out to check her heartbeat, which I will add she couldn't find it right away and I started to panic, she starts talking about how we will do a NST just to check things out and depending how that goes we might need to do an u/s and if anything I will have to go to the hospital to Ob triage. I immediately looked at Dereck and give him the WTF is she talking about face and was ready to freak out. Thankfully she found the heartbeat. Whew!

She hadn't got my report back from the Perinatologist yet and was also concerned about how I am still measuring about two weeks behind and worried about my fluids levels around the baby. So depending on how the NST went she would want another look at the fluid levels if we do an u/s. She ended up getting that report though by the end of the appt which showed they had looked good on Tuesday.

We get set up for the NST which we were gonna do for 15 minutes. My Ob comes in about half way through the test and checks on me and informs me that baby girl is failing the test and says she will check back at the end of the 15 minutes and look into getting that u/s set up for me. I am starting to worry now. I mean I am happy that my Ob is being proactive, but in all honestly I can't handle hearing anything that relates to my baby and things not being perfect. Luckily she must have heard the Dr. and woke her butt up because she past the last half of the test with flying colors and we were able to go home with no u/s. Another big whew from me there.

I swear I am still incredibly excited to meet baby girl but my anxiety levels just rose back up this past week and half. I need it to be c-section day NOW! Speaking of which, my c-section got moved from next Friday to Saturday, so one more day of waiting I guess. So 8 more days to officially meet her and 7 days until we reach 37 weeks-full term! I will meet with my Ob once more next Friday also for one last check up and then head over to the hospital right after to get my pre-op stuff taking care of.

Can't wait!

Friday, April 13, 2012

35 Weeks, Only 2 Weeks to Go!

14 Days to go!

I met with my normal Ob Dr. yesterday since she has been out the last few months. I was so happy when she said she will be able to do my c-section with some help from the her partner who I was seeing while she was out.

I am still measuring small, closer to 33 weeks my Dr. says, but baby girl is growing just fine which is all that matters. Is it bad for me to say though that I am kind of happy about this me measuring small thing? I kind of feel like a wus with all the back and hip pain I have been having when I know that it could be so much worse and should just be so grateful to be pregnant at all. Oh well, just means more breaks in between my crazy nesting cleaning I have been doing and less sleep from tossing and turning all night.

Next week will be a busy one for us. Tuesday we will see the Perinatologist one last time and get a look at baby girl and my incision once more before she is delivered. Wednesday I go to my Ob's office for my first steroid injection. Then on Thursday, 24 hours later, I go back into there office and get my second injection and then also see my Ob for a checkup. Then its Friday and the one week countdown begins!

Last night we went to our last grief group meeting for awhile. The first one that Dereck and I went to was about 3 weeks after we lost Liam. In the past year+ since that first meeting I have gone to every twice monthly meeting, except one a few weeks ago because I was sick. The next meeting will be the night before my c-section so we told everyone that this was our last meeting for awhile and didn't know if and when we would be back.

I brought Liam's scrapbook along to share with everyone because I have talked about it quite a few times there and the importance of getting it done before baby girl arrived. I love that I was able to share that with them and the same with all of you. Everyone is so sweet and caring there and I am so glad that I have had there support through both the loss of Liam and through my entire pregnancy with baby girl.

I also talked about a few things that have really been eating away at me lately. I won't go into too much detail. I may have even already mentioned this before, I don't remember. One of the big things that still very much so affects me is my feelings toward people and there excitement towards baby girl. I want people to be excited for her arrival because I am and well it's exciting, but there is this part of me that holds a lot of grudges and anger toward some people. These people I talk about are the ones that made me feel like my grief and sadness was unnecessary and that I should get over it. These people are excited to meet baby girl and part of me doesn't want to allow them to be able to share in that excitement. Part of me wants to tell them that if they couldn't be there for me through the sad times then no way in hell should they be allowed to be there for the happy times. I know I need to say something to them about this and soon, for my own sake, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

In other news I am in the process of my own little freak out right now. And here I have been doing so good. I know its crazy to think this way but baby girl has barely moved since last night after I had a milkshake around 8:30pm and all I can think about is my last night with Liam. Why would I assume they are related you may ask? Well the night before Liam's surgery the doctors told me to have a really good meal because I wouldn't feel like eating for a few days after surgery and I just couldn't decide on what to have. It was getting late and we needed to check into the hospital so we stopped at this diner and all I could decide on was this espresso chocolate milkshake, because you know that's a healthy and perfect thing to have when you want to go to bed within a few hours. So as silly as it seems at one point I did blame that milkshake for what happened to Liam. So all last night, I couldn't sleep because I was wired from the shake, and all day at work so far I've been freaking out about how baby girl has barely moved and all I can think about is that I ate that milkshake last night for dinner. I wish I could just get this thought out of my head but I am afraid that until she starts kicking the crap out of me its here to stay. Come on baby girl wake up, move, do something please!
I have already told Dereck that the night before our c-section we are eating a nice little home cooked meal that we have eaten numerous times. Sound crazy or irrational, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Liam's Scrapbook

Because I am completely paranoid about losing everything I have for Liam I had to make sure I took pictures of his scrapbook. I saved them to my computer, will most likely print them out, keep a copy on my flash drive, and also now have them uploaded to the internet. Must have multiple copies of his things! Also in case anyone was curious about what was all included in this scrapbook that I had been so diligently working on lately, here it is.

Friday, April 6, 2012

34 Weeks and Another Dream

3 Weeks to go!

Still so excited, just can't wait to meet her!

Although I think my subconscious is trying to tell me differently. Last week I had that strange set of dreams about delivering baby girl and now last night I had another. This time I had went to see my Ob, the present one not my normal one, and he wanted to take a look "down there" to see how things were progressing. I don't know how many weeks I was at this appt. but he told me something about being effaced and the number 4. Since I don't know too much about all that terminology since I've always known I was not going to have a normal delivery, nor have I ever been this pregnant before, I had and still have little to no idea what he was talking about.
After that he went on to tell me about how everything appears to be going well with the baby and that he thinks we should go to 40 weeks now and no longer thinks a c-section is needed. In my dream I was screaming my head off at him on how stupid that idea was and that I can't wait another couple of weeks for my baby to get here, and what was he trying to do kill me.
Then he says, "oh by the way, since we are no longer having a scheduled c-section there is a good chance that neither me nor your normal Ob will be delivering your baby, that it'll just be whoever is on call the day I come in." Again in my dream I have the biggest, freak out, panic attack of my life on what these Dr.'s are trying to do to me. Do they want me to go crazy?
A few other things happened after the screaming stopped that I don't recall and then my alarm went off. I just love it when I wake with my head aching because it feels like I was getting tortured in my sleep.
But seriously is my subconcious trying to tell me something. Is it trying to tell me I am getting too excited, that there is still time for shit to go wrong?

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sweet Liam,

Hey little buddy, it's been awhile hasn't it? I was good for so long about writing to you on the third of every month and now I think its been a few months. It seems like these last few months my mind has been elsewhere. Actually it has been on your sister. I still think about you all the time though, not that I need to tell you that. I am sure you know how much I still miss you and that your picture is one of the last things I see when I look at it and tell you I love before I turn off the light to go to sleep each night.

Speaking of your sister though, can you believe how far we have come and how close we are to having her here with us? It's hard to imagine it has been more than a year since we last saw you and held you and now here we are just weeks away from meeting your baby sister. Time definitely has been flying by.

I have also been a scrapbooking machine lately. Last week I finally finished yours, well at least as finished as it can be for now. I wanted so badly to have it done before your sister arrived and am happy I did, although at the same time it makes me sad also. When I finished up the last page and looked the entire book over from the start when we first found out we were pregnant with you, through the surgery, your funeral, and the pages filled with all of the ways we've tried to remember you and honor you this past year it was a very bittersweet moment. Working on your scrapbook gave me this sense of being with you and also being able to do something for you. When I was finished I had this sense of like "what now", what do I do know to remember and honor you and to keep your memory alive. I am still not quite sure how exactly I feel about it. Although I think that is why your gravestone still isn't finished. I feel horrible that its been this long but I just can't seem to bring myself to work on it. Maybe its just the finality of it all once it's done and set in place.

In trying to keep busy and since the scrapbook stuff is out though I am finally catching up on the piles upon piles of pictures I have had since before you were even conceived. It is weird in a way to look back at those times and think about the person I was then compared to who I am now. Things have definitely changed a lot these past few years.

At a recent counseling appt. my counselor brought up that she senses that I feel like people are judging me for what happened to you. She is right I guess. I am sure no one is but there is this part of me that still feels that since you were sick and died that I failed you as a parent somehow. That maybe there is something wrong with me. We've talked a little about this at the last couple of appt.'s since she first brought it up and it is definitely a touchy subject with me. I really have a hard time talking about it. Your sister seems to be doing really well though which helps me to believe that maybe I am capable of having a healthy child. Then again, it might take until she is actually born alive and healthy for me to truly accept that.

I got this quote from another blm that posted it on Facebook a week or so ago. It seems very fitting, especially right now.

"When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby. 
When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."


Love you forever little buddy.
Love always, Mom
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