I feel like I just need to apologize to everyone and to Liam for my posts this past week. I maybe need to apologize to myself more and learn that I need to take it easier on myself these days. I have been complaining so much lately about everything it seems, and does complaining really get anyone anywhere? The bills aren't going away and Liam isn't coming back, so all this is going to amount to is me being more upset about things I have no control over. So easy to say but not as easy to convince myself of.
I don't want to be this angry mad at the world person I am letting myself become. I want Liam to be able to look down at me and be proud of me, and see that I am strong. I just need to get it through my head that I didn't cause this and there was nothing I could do to prevent this. I can't believe its been two months and I still can't 100% say that January 3rd was just his day to die, that surgery had nothing to do with it, and if anything if that was the day his heart was going stop what better place could we have been at.
So from this point on I am going to try and find something to be positive about each day. I somehow keep forgetting that there is still so much in my life I am grateful for- husband, dogs, house, job, great friends, but somehow I manage to let the sad/mad emotions take over every time. I will try to understand that I am going to have some days that are better than others and sometimes its okay to have a good cry in the middle of the day, and know that I don't need to beat myself up because of it.
So I am sorry
you don't have to apologize to me! I'm in the same boat you're in! I feel the same way you do... I'm down more than I should be, I know there is still good in my life, but have trouble casting aside the bad enough to enjoy it! Hoping for happier days ahead!
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't feel sorry or apologise... your emotions are real and I've learnt the hard way that brushing aside sadness come back to bite another way. I denied my pain early on then it hit me later in the year doubly hard. I admire your strength and how you write so fondly about Liam. You were a loving mother to him when you were pregnant and wanted to give him every opportunity possible. You are great mother to him now in cherishing him and his memories ... and will always be a very special mother to him. Thinking of you and know that happy days will come for you xoxo
ReplyDeleteIts been 2 months! Don't be so hard on yourself! You are entitled to complain, to have bad days! Sometimes its hard finding the positive when you've lost a child. Here's many hugs to you, momma! Hope you find some better days!
ReplyDeleteNo need to be sorry about anything! You have lost a child and have every reason to be angry and upset and complain for however long you want. I know it's frustrating and a lot of days are filled with anger now. I hope your days get better (and they do...eventually). Instead of feeling angry one day, you might see something that reminds you of Liam and it will make you smile. But for now, allow yourself to feel upset. Liam knows you love him, no matter how angry you are. (((HUGS))))
ReplyDeletethanks everyone, I don't need to tell you guys how hard this is to deal with but sometimes I just want to give up and runaway- not that it would help anything
ReplyDeleteHi Becky,
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog, and am so sorry that you lost your sweet Liam. Please go easy on yourself. I find that I complain a lot in my blogs too, but it is such a safe place to release your grief and your emotions. those of us reading know what you are going through, because we are going through it too. It sucks, and it is going to take a long time to get through this and find your new normal. It has been 7 weeks since I lost my daughter, Love. I am still reeling, and feel tons of anger, so I know how you feel.
Feel free to express how you feel here, as no one here will judge you!!
I am thinking of you and Liam...
Brooke