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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hate

Today I feel like I have been in a very dark place. It has been awhile since I have felt this much anger at the world. This is not a happy post because I am clearly not happy.

This is the mood I am in:
- I hate that my son had a severe case of spina bifida and was going to need surgery no matter what, whether it was fetal surgery or right after birth.
- I hate that I chose to have the fetal surgery because doing so killed him.
- I hate that so many other mothers have chosen to get fetal surgery and had great results and I have to live with the fact that my son died from it and was also the first baby the hospital ever lost in the surgery.
- I hate that I have to live without him for the rest of my life and that my heart will always ache.
- I hate that I never got to hear him cry, rock him to sleep, give him his first bath, see him crawl, never get to see him grow up.
- I hate that all my hopes and dreams for him were gone in the matter of a few hour surgery, that I had to wake up from the surgery only to be told that they had to deliver my baby and that he couldn't be resuscitated.
- I hate that everyone around me keeps getting pregnant and is having healthy living babies.
- I hate that my family has acted like they have just wanted me to move on, get over it, and be happy since Liam died. They don't even bring him up or ask how I am doing, they wouldn't like my answer anyway,
- I hate that I let myself get optimistic and excited about getting pregnant again.
- I hate that I actually convinced myself that just maybe the world would let me have this one request of getting pregnant the first try. So foolish am I.
- I hate that if my ovulation comes at the same time as last cycle Dereck will be gone at work. He is already trying to see if he can find a way to get that week off or this month is screwed.
- I hate even more that if we don't get pregnant this cycle next ovulation time in August would fall again when Dereck is gone for work and I'll be out of state for a wedding. Clearly thinking too far ahead but the optimism is gone. Just too hard to believe that something could actually work out right for us. I feel like its all going to be a repeat of the 2 years ttc Liam.
- I hate even more that this is the type of shit I have been having to think about for the past 6 1/2 months when I should be playing, loving, and cuddling with my son. 

I am hating on the world a bit much today....maybe tomorrow will be better.
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9 comments:

  1. Lj82July 12, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    Ugh, I so hear you. I go through the same cycle of hope and optimism and then the pit of despair depending on the day. I m hoping this works out for you as soon as possible. you deserve a happy, healthy, snugly baby.

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  2. michelleJuly 12, 2011 at 5:01 PM

    I also have the hate and anger days, as well as the depsair days and the sad sad crying days etc and I am so worried I wont get to have another child and I am really running out of time. I hope it will happen for you.

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  3. Molly EbachJuly 12, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    So sorry. I am right there with you this month on the bfn. Except it's month three of trying and still nothing for me. Will be thinking of you.

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  4. JenJuly 13, 2011 at 3:04 AM

    I hate all of these things with you and for you, too. ((hugs))

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  5. Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.?July 13, 2011 at 6:15 AM

    I hate that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

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  6. DeannaJuly 13, 2011 at 7:28 AM

    I think there will always be days we are mad at the ENTIRE world. I am so sorry that things aren't going better right now, but know that I am here, sending you lots and lots of hugs!

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  7. little vitu's momJuly 13, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    I hear you. There are times when I hate this world, hate myself for not being able to have my baby now.

    It's all so unfair :(

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  8. *Lauren*July 13, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    I'm sorry that you have gone through so much; it's not fair. I really hope that things will fall into place for you to TTC this cycle. Thinking of you and praying for you. *hugs*

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  9. stephanieJuly 14, 2011 at 6:10 PM

    I wrote a post tonight about having a rough day. I did and I think that it's allowed. I spared the details, but the reason why my day was tough was because of my son. I actually, at one point, had to pull over on hwy 494 during rush hour because he had unbuckled his seat belt and I was so GD mad at him and the situation. Then I come home to relax and piss and moan online and am reminded that not everyone has the fortune to feel that forgiveness wash over them when they see their little trouble maker sleeping in their bed. Becky, I am so so sorry for your loss. Motherhood is hard, no matter the circumstance.

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