Our Carrier is Pregnant 28 Weeks/7 Months

28 weeks today! We made it to the 3rd trimester! 11 weeks to go!

Jessica says Max is still as active as ever and is pretty consistent on his 3-4am somersaults. Thats my boy! She also said that at this point she already seems bigger than she ever was with both her boys. We may have a big boy on our hands, who knows.

Yesterday was the 28 weeks appt and Jessca had her diabetes glucose testing. All good! Now we move to appts every 2 weeks. At this appt it was brought up to Jessica that we need to get a hospital/ labor and delivery tour and figure things out for that day. Eeeek! I want to do this and be able to ask lots of questions about that day and how things will work once Max is born. Will he get given straight to us for me to try and breastfeed? Will we get our own private room so we can have a little bit of alone time with him once he is born? What will happen if he needs to go to the NICU? This makes me so crazy nervous to think about. As much as I like things organized, in order, and perfect, things in the baby delivery dept has never quite worked out for us.

Jessica told me her idea of how she see's everything happening for the delivery and after. I agree with her for the most part. Jessica needs the support of her family and I know they have already been supportive of her doing this for us. I love the idea of both our families being there and coming together as one. The only thing that worries me is that I will not want to give Max up once I get him. I want everyone to meet him and hold him because so many are so excited for his arrival, but I have been waiting so long for this and scared at how fast things could get taken away from me again. My crazy mind is just spinning about this and how I will react that day once he is born. I see myself bawling my eyes out both for the joy of finally having a healthy baby delivered and also for Liam and Evelynn who deserve to be here. I am also scared that I may be worried about getting to attached as well for fear of him getting taken away or that I will hurt him because my crazy mind still likes to try and convince me that my babies dying is all my fault. I hate to sound slefish but sometimes I just want my baby and to get back to Alaska so that I can finally have what I have been wanting for so long. Ahh! I hate thinking this way, but yet so much to think about and it is getting closer.

In August I will also be working with our lawyer again so we can get the prebirth order put into place before Max is born. We really loved that Jessica lived in North Dakota because of the laws regarding using a gestational carrier. Maybe you all remember me first writing about these types of laws when we were first looking into getting a carrier. Anyway I will resum it up for you all. Alaska wasn't preferred because I would've had to adopt my own biological baby from the carrier, but Dereck would always be the father. In Minnesota you can't file a birth order until the baby is born alive, but would be put right in our names. The downfall would be if the baby was stillborn, then he would not be considered ours because the state doesn't recognize a stillbirth as a birth. In North Dakota, Max was always ours in the states eyes. We could do the paperwork anytime and no matter what our names on his birth certificate. Make sense. Were any of you ever afraid of any of this when you were trying to bring your rainbow home, minus the gestational carrier of course? I know I had a lot of these various thoughts with Evelynn as well.

I am on my count down for the number of weeks I have left at work and coming to MN/ND until I return with Max, hopefully, better be returning with him. I am excited but so nervous. Eeek! I have been to this point before and it's only going to get more nerve racking as time draws closer. I just have to keep staying busy, breathe, and think positive.

For anyone who is interested I will be in Minnesota/North Dakota for what could be a couple weeks before Max is born, unless he comes early like at 37, which I kind of hope. So what I am saying is that if anyone lives close and would like to try and meet up, let me know and maybe we can try and work something work. 

Operation Bring Milk Back for Max:

It has now been a month since I last spoke to the lady from the Nursing Boutique about my milk production and over a month since I first tried to start pumping again. I wish I could say things are going well with it, but I am getting discouraged. I am not producing any more milk than when I first started seeing milk originally after the 20 week anatomy scan:(. I had been pumping and doing hand massages about 5 times a day. I have also seen the acupuncturist twice, but going to start going more frequently once we hit August.

I called the Nursing Boutique back the other day and asked their thoughts on how they think I should be doing right now. I spoke to a different lady than I had before and she recommended that I start doing massages and/or pump ever 2-3 hours around the clock. It has been hard doing it more often during the day being at work because I don't have long enough breaks, other than at lunch, to be able to get set up and pump or even do hand massages for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. I also hadn't been pumping in the middle of the night, but I guess I need to start doing that again at least once or twice after I go to bed.
She also brought up herbs to me again, which I have mentioned I am not to keen on, but I kind of feel desperate and considering starting this one that is normally used with the Regulin to help produce more mam tissue, I think. I feel I am willing to do anything and almost back to wanting to do the Domperidone again just because it would be the easy route, expensive but easier.

This really is so much harder than I expected. It was different before when the milk was there, along with the need to pump to relieve the pressure, but now it is just kind of depressing. I hate that I want to give up so easily though. I have time to still get things working, but it was just so much easier last time. I remember people telling me how strong I was to pump and donate after my daughter died and how they could never be able to do that. It was rewarding to do it last time. I was helping babies with my daughters milk. I have a goal this time too, to be able to breastfeed my son, but without having the milk be there so easily, it sucks. I find myself struggling at the fine line between wanting to pump now so my son can breastfeed exclusively later and trying to move forward in life aside from baby. Yes, I want to do this, but the constant need to pump gets in the way of me wanting to get out with friends, hiking, working out, going fishing, getting away for a few days, and so forth because I have to be attached to the pump. I did it last summer, which was still inconviencing at times, but I made it work, but since my milk was in I could get away with longer time periods in between those pumps if needed. Now having to pump or feel myself up every couple hours I feel even more like that weird friend, even weirder than I did last summer. I know they all understand, but sometimes I get annoyed with it all because I think about how things should never have been this way to begin with. It's just frustrating is all.

I am going to do it though. I am determined. I will pump and massage every few hours, I will keep doing acupunture, I may start herbs in a few weeks. I have even been consuming large amounts of oatmeal because it is very lactogenic and even been drinking coconut water almost daily because it apparently is great for lactating moms. Come on milk, you know you want to come back with meds.

For anyone who is interersted here are some links the nursing boutique has given me to look into on how to do different types of hand massages, herbs used, and ways to increase a low milk supply-
http://newborns.stanford.edu/Breastfeeding/ and http://www.lowmilksupply.org/.
Also a popular one they gave me last year in regards to lactation and breastfeeding- http://kellymom.com/.

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Last weekend at work I ran into the lady who originally offered to carry a baby for us. She seems to be doing well and was so excited when I told her about Max. From talking with her she says that she would still love to be a carrier for someone. I think that's great and hopefully she can find someone, but I am still 100% sure that we made the right decision to go with Jessica.