Lately

I have participated in the Right Where I am Project the last 3 years and had wanted to this year as well but just never seem to sit long enough to write anything up. Time seems to be flying by and I honestly don't know how I am these days. I am grateful for Max and the chance to raise a son, even though I didn't get the chance with Liam, but yet I dream of my little girl on an almost daily basis again. For awhile I had gotten away from being so set on her or even just girl, girl, girl, but lately it has been so hard to not think about everything I am missing. I feel so selfish and like such a bad mom on those days when Max is being crabby. I get caught up in these thoughts about how I bet Evelynn wouldn't be acting like this or even that Liam would know better. It's like I am comparing my children, and I obviously don't know how Liam or Evelynn would be since my chance to parent them got stolen away from me. I may be a little bitter these days. Or maybe the bitterness and all the jealousy I hold in me never went away and is making a gruesome comeback.

People being pregnant is still rough, especially when its your close friends. I know I've wrote about it already, quite a few months back, but we are finally at that time when my 3 pregnant friends here are finally having their babies, and I am losing my shit. I am trying to keep it together, and for the most part I am. So far there has been a boy, that one was a surprise, and now one of the girls has been born, and next month the 3rd baby, another girl, will be born. I have been cursing the world a lot again at why I got shit on, twice, and everyone else gets perfect pregnancies and deliveries. Not that I want someone's baby to die, but why is it that everyone seems to gets it all?! Seriously, no emergency c-section, no gestational diabetes, no need to see a high risk dr., no bedrest, NOTHING. It. makes. me. crazy! And I'll just stop there with all my negative juju I keep trying to push into the world.

In other news, talk of the next baby is still going on. A few weeks back I met with a brand new ob dr. Actually, the dr. I met with just so happened to be at the hospital when I had my rupture with Evelynn and helped get me prepared for surgery while the dr. on call from my clinic was on her way. He remembered my case right away he said when he read my records that had got sent to his clinic. He, as with most, strongly suggest getting another carrier since I would be so high risk. Like we didn't see that coming. He did say though that he would consider it, but that he would have to talk to his colleagues since they all share patients at this practice. Honestly I wish my old ob office was like that, then maybe it wouldn't have been such a surprise to the ob dr. on call when she cut me open and realized my baby wasn't in the uterus anymore. He is also referring me to a maternal fetal medicine dr. for a consult as well. I saw this mfm when I was pregnant with Liam. It was her office that told me about the fetal surgery. I went to a different mfm when pregnant with Evelynn, but from talking to other blm friends they all said she is the one I need to see, so that is what I am doing. I am sure she too will say I need to forget about another pregnancy, but I just need to hear what she thinks. That appt is in a week. Then, depending on what she says, I'll go back and see the new ob dr and hear what he has to say about everything. I have my days where I think this is the only way and other days I am scared to death. Not so much scared of losing another baby, I'd hate to, but I've lived through it twice, but I am scared of having the baby end up with severe developmental issue or have cerebral palsy because of my stupidity in getting pregnant. I am also so scared for my own life in that I could end up with major issues if I rupture and don't get to the hospital I time. It's all just stressful.

Then there is getting another carrier. I have asked multiple people to either carry for us or at least to tell all their family and friends about us in the hopes that maybe someone will want to help us. So far no such luck there. A month ago I did have a family member tell me that they had a coworker who wanted to be a surro and that she would call me to talk about it. She never called and when I texted her I never even received a message back. I wish people would understand how stressful this is and I can't help but get my hopes up, and god does it suck when they get crushed right away. Its really hard to ask people. I know that not everyone loves being pregnant, feel they could handle giving up a baby they carried for 9 months, or even handle all the stuff that goes along with carrying someone else's baby, but sometimes I get so mad when I hear all the no' and the multitude of reasons why. I want to scream back and ask how the hell they would feel if they were in my shoes. I guess I can't say for certain but I think if my situation were different I could've been a carrier for someone.

I just finished breastfeeding last week, yay I made it a whole year, and need my body and hormones to go back to "normal". Once that happens I'll get some blood work done to see where I stand with doing another round of IVF since we only ended up with one embryo last time. one perfect embryo that is. Hopefully that'll all be done, with good results, by the end of the year. I keep hoping we could have someone lined up by then, so that hopefully by next spring sometime we can start the whole ivf carrier process again. We are still talking about posting something on Facebook, but waiting for those test results first. I have also joined a surro and IP Facebook group to talk with and meet other surros and IPs. That facebook group told me about this website called surromomsonline. It has a classified section for IPs to search for surros or for surros to find some IPs. You can put up your own ad or you can just answer them. So far I have emailed a few of the gestational surrogates. I have emailed one of the ladies multiple times and we even spoke on the phone this weekend. She actually seems pretty perfect. I am going to look into RE's in her area tomorrow to see what those clinics require. It might be easiest for us to go to a new clinic and start fresh and than have her fly to ours. We'll see after I make some phone calls. I'll also be calling a surrogacy lawyer to learn more about the laws in her state. I know its a surro friendly state, but I need to know all the ins and outs before we can go any further. Tomorrow sounds busy. Depending on what comes of these calls, the next big hurdle will need to be how to pay for it all again. No fundraiser this time nor a second income since I am mainly a stay at home mom now. I'd hate to have to wait longer to start a new journey and bring Max a living sibling home, but I guess if the money isn't there, their isn't much we can do.

Suppose that's all for now. I need to get to bed because that adorable little man of mine will have me up early.