Big changes also happened at the beginning of the New Year as I decided to go back to work full time. It's definitely been bittersweet. Because of all of my fears of losing them, I never thought I'd be able to leave them at a daycare, but so far so good, and I think it's been good for them too.
Not much else has been going on for us, but for now, I kind of like the mellowness of it all.
Liam's 6th birthday in heaven was on January 3rd. It's hard to believe it's been 6 years. It doesn't affect me like it once did but I'll always wonder who my 6 year old boy would be today. Max is really into birthdays now. So it was nice to have him more involved in picking out a cake and singing happy birthday to his big brother. I try and show him pictures of his older siblings and say they are in heaven, but he doesn't seem to fully understand, yet, but that's okay. Evelynn will be 5 in April, which I also find hard to believe. Every so often I still get tangled up in this web of thoughts varying from "why I didn't go straight to the hospital when I first felt pain" and "why didn't I fight harder for her," but it is what it is, I guess. I still have no desire to go to a baby shower, be around pregnancy talk, or even see newborn, but I do better around it now than in the past. Maybe one day it'll be different.
If you're reading this, thank you for still following along, even though I don't come back here often. If you're new to baby loss. I am sorry, and I hope you find comfort in the words of baby loss mom, or dad, bloggers, like I did, letting you know you're not alone. The same goes for all others who have experienced a uterine rupture, struggled with infertility, used a gestational carrier, or have adopted like my family in order to grow your family.
