A Little Bit About Me

Memorial weekend 2011 marked Dereck and I living in Alaska for 4 years now, so I thought I'd share a bit about the both of us, how we got together, ended up in Alaska, and a few other things.

I met Dereck in my home town in Minnesota at a local bar shooting pool in 2005. I was finishing my last few generals at the community college before heading off to radiography school, and he was going to school for NDT. I was at the local bar celebrating my 25th birthday with some girlfriends and shooting pool. I went to shoot the 8 ball in when this guy, Dereck, walks up and puts a $3 bet on the table that I wouldn't make the shot. We started dating shortly after that.

I had 2 semesters left of college when Dereck decided to take his job on Alaska's north slope. The next 8 months were rough since I was only seeing Dereck about 3-4 days a month, but we made it work. When I finished college the following spring Dereck asked where I wanted to live and I decided Alaska sounded awesome. We moved there about a month and a half later, on Memorial weekend of 2007, taking only what we could fit in my Jeep. We also got to drive on the beautiful Alcan Highway.

I fell in love with the state instantly. I have been in the best shape of my life since moving here almost 4 years ago. Tons of places to hike, bike, ski, run, camp, fish, etc., and the 20 hours of daylight in the summer are awesome! We have tried to see as much of Alaska as we can, if your not aware this state is HUGE! I even started scrap booking to record all of my Alaskan adventures in. I just love it here and have made some amazing friends.

We got married on October 18, 2008 in Alaska. Our only guests were a few Alaskan friends, no family. It was small, but that's all we wanted. One day we might have a reception back home for all of our friends and family. The doctor that I work for was also the one who married us because anyone in the state of Alaska can marry a couple one time, and that sounded pretty cool to me, so that 's what we did.

Sadie

Kodiak

We bought our first house a year and a half ago, which means we are definitely staying here for awhile. We also are lucky enough to have the Chugach Mountains practically in our backyard, making for beautiful views. We also have two dogs; Sadie my sweet Airedale and Kodiak my Miniature Schnauzer who suffers from some serious small dog syndrome. They are family and go everywhere with us.

Liam Maximilian 1-3-2011

We wanted to have kids and started trying right way. Between trying to get my body to actually function to ovulate, getting my cycle to work with Dereck's work schedule, taking chlomid, and two IUI's later we were finally pregnant with Liam. Check out Liam's story if you haven't already read it.
At the end of June we will be trying for our second child.

If you want to know a little more then I finally did the ABC's of me

The ABC's of me
A. age 30
B. bed size- Queen
C. chores I detest- I hate dishes, even with a dishwasher, and vacuuming also, I would rather scrub toilets
D. dog or cat person- definitely dog, have two, Sadie and Kodiak
E. essential start to my day- I love me some coffee, a latte or an americano
F. favorite color- green, pretty much any shade of green
G. gold or silver- white gold
H. height- 5 foot 9 inches
I. instruments I've played- clarinet and piano many years ago, I wouldn't say I was any good at either
J. job title- Radiologic Technologist
K. kids- my sweet Liam
L. live- Anchorage, AK for 4 years now, the 27 years prior were in Minnesota
M. moms name- Lucinda
N. nicknames- Becky, Beck, by one friend Brookie Becky
O. overnight hospital stays- the night before the fetal surgery and then the 4 days following the fetal surgery/c-section
P. pet peeves- people that are always late, I'm a like to be a few minutes early kind of girl.
Q. quote from a movie- don't think I have one, not a huge movie watcher
R. righty or lefty- righty
S. siblings- one older sister
T. time you wake up- pretty much up by 7:00-7:30 am everyday work or no work, my body doesn't understand the term "sleep in", it is rare but has happened
U. underwear- bikini or sometimes none
V. vegetables you don't like- olives- are they considered a vegetable? Either way I hate them!
W. what makes you run late- I am usually the one who is always 15 minutes early to everything, I hate being late
X. x-rays you've had- geez, too many, elbow, knees, feet, hip, shoulder- I'm a huge klutz.
Y. yummy food you make- tacos, mini pizzas, lasagna
Z. zoo animals- the cats; the lions, tigers, cheetahs, cougars

Liam's Burial May 16, 2011

LIAM MY LOVE! I couldn't handle nothing being on his grave so I had to add a few things.

Liam's burial was short and sweet which is what we wanted since we already had the funeral back in January. I was happy that we had such wonderful weather, the sky was clear, sunny, and there was a light breeze. Both the banner and the cross looked wonderful and I was happy we had something to set out by his grave during the service.

We had the same girl who sang at Liam's funeral come back and she sang the song "You are mine" for the burial. I thought it was so sweet of her to come out and sing for us again. We even heard that she had never done that for anyone before other than for her grandfather, so I was very touched that she did this for us and for Liam.

After the service was over Dereck set Liam's coffin into the hole and we covered it in rose petals and laid a few other flowers over his casket. The rest of the family then left, but I wanted to stay and watch it get covered. It was amazing that by the time it was covered with the sod you could barely tell a coffin had just been buried there.

The same bamboo cross from the funeral with fresh flowers. 

We didn't like that the sign with his name on it to mark his grave didn't have a picture of him so we added some to it. And the angel statue is from Liam's Grandma.

It's been over a week and half since I laid those sticks on Liam's grave and was excited to see that they were still there! Liam's Grandma brought the bouquet of flowers and a good friend of mine laid the flowers around his grave for Memorial Weekend.

Since The Burial

Well, I suppose I better post something. I haven't wrote anything in over a week now. It's not that I don't have anything to say, because I have so much I want to write about since the burial, I just have been so physically and mentally exhausted this week. This is probably going to sound like a lot of complaining but my back hurts, legs hurt, had a headache for a few days in a row, and I just have no energy. It has been sunny all week in Alaska and I have barely been able to get out and enjoy it. I hate to say it but I am starting to feel like I am just getting depressed. I thought I was doing pretty good with my grief, even really thinking things were getting better, since I was having a lot more good moments than bad. The other day I even started crying in front of my acupuncturist, I think I must have been really tired though because I fell asleep before she had all the needles in me.

Here are a few things that have been on my mind or have happened while we were still home for Liam's burial:

-We had spent a lot of time at the cemetery after Liam had been buried laying by his grave and also walking around. I know I have mentioned in previous posts that this cemetery had a Baby Land and now I am curious to know if all cemeteries have a baby section or not? I got so sad seeing so many other gravestones for babies. We even saw a few where there were multiple babies buried near one another all with the same last name and very close in years apart. I feel sorry for these mothers to have to bury so many babies. I wish I knew her story, their stories, what happened to them and why they couldn't stay. Were they from a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or maybe some illness shortly after birth. I cried a lot in babyland. It made me just wonder if we'd ever be back burying another child. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I never intended to ever bury a child in the first place and there I was.

-I still get sad thinking about Liam being buried so far away from me. I know he is in a good spot being buried on top of Dereck's dad and in a plot with family, but sometimes I wish he was cremated or buried near us in Alaska. I hate that I can't visit him everyday, once a year just won't be enough. After Liam was buried we also realized that there are now 5 generations of males in Derecks family buried together. That's just too many- Liam, Liam's uncle(Dereck's brother), Liam's grandpa(Dereck's dad), Liam's great grandpa, and great great grandpa. That's just not right:(

-Dereck and I went to visit some of his family and their little boy was so excited to see me. First thing he said when he saw me was, "Hey she's the one who plays with me!" I loved hearing him say that, but last time I saw him I was pregnant and happy, and unfortunately I wasn't this time. We also saw the rest of there house which involved walking through their nursery where there baby was sleeping. The rest of the night all I could think about is how I'll never be able to leave my baby sleeping in the nursery and me being in another room. I can't and I won't, I feel I am going to be one of those crazy moms that will never want to leave their babies side for fear they won't be alive when I return. I hate feeling this way and I know it is important for me to try and be optimistic about the future but how can I now.

-I have been realizing a lot lately on why I should have made my blog more anonymous. I thought telling family and friends about it would help them to understand a little more about how I am dealing with the loss of my son. I am very unhappy with certain members of my family and have never wrote anything about them because I thought they would read this and then be really mad at me. I don't even know how much they have even read but its obvious they have no clue how I am feeling, just don't care, or really just don't know what to say. All I have to say to any of those reasons is that he was a real boy, I held him, he was my son,and I would change places with him in a second if I could, and if you really cared you would even just ask me if I wanted to talk about it, just listen.

-Also here is the rock I had engraved for Liam's burial. Liam didn't have a gravestone and I wanted him to have something and was so mad that it didn't make it to the burial. I am not going to get into it about why the rock didn't make it but just putting it out there that I am a little bitter about it still.

On a more exciting note:
-On my countdown to stopping the pill I have 13 more days to go. Although May has been a crazy month I am happy it is flying by. I can't wait until June 10th. I am probably getting way too excited but all I can think about is wanting to be pregnant again.

Another Sign?

I wrote in a recent post about how we think Liam gave us a sign at his burial. Well either I have really bad luck, was in the wrong place at the right time, or I got another sign-and not a good sign either. Dereck and I have been spending most of our afternoons these last few days at the cemetery laying by Liam's grave. We decided to take a walk through the cemetery the othre night before heading out to dinner. There are 2 cemeteries attached together here and we were walking through the other one. As we were walking I felt this wetness on the right side of my shirt, so without looking I reached my hand down and wiped the wet area. As I go to look at my hand I realized I had bird crap all over it and in a huge glob on the side of my shirt. So what does that mean??? Needless to say I had to go home and change before dinner, yuck!

Because I Was Important In The Life Of A Boy

Last night Dereck and I had dinner at a cafe with some of his family. All of the coffee mugs there had sayings on them, and this is what they said,

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a boy."

I just love it