I found out that picture that I posted the other day on my blog is actually from 12 years ago, a few years before the fetal surgery study for spina bifida had even taken place. I am glad to hear it wasn't too graphic for some and that many of you thought it was as amazing as I do. If only my little guy could've been as lucky as that little boy was, and by that I mean live.
Alright onto pregnancy related news:
I knew that getting pregnant again wasn't going to make everything better. That it wasn't going to magically take away all my grief and pain and that I would instantly be in a constant happy state. I knew that, like grief, being pregnant again after a loss was going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been trying to convince myself that things will be okay and have been searching for that optimism again. I really thought I had found a little and then I had a few days with little things occuring that lead up to Tuesday. I was so fricken emotional I just wanted to cry all afternoon. I would say I had a little bit of a meltdown that day. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without something somehow causing harm to my baby. I know it must seem silly to some but I just couldn't push those thoughts from my mind. Luckily, I have some great friends that still let me whine when I really need to, poor them because its been so much this year.
So other than the paranoia I still have about everything, I have started thinking about the holidays. I looked ahead on the calender and sure enough my husband will be gone for work for Thanksgiving and then from just before Christmas through the second week of January. You got to be kidding me! I can't be alone for the holidays. I mean I have great friends and will most likely be celebrating Thanksgiving with them and usually if I am in town, the same for Christmas. This year is different though and I just want my husband around. How can I handle Christmas, New Years, and then January 3rd without him? Last year I went home for Chistmas, saw family, had a baby shower, and then spent the following week and a half in San Francisco. I spent New Years in San Francisco, played tourist for the week leading up to the surgery in San Francisco, planned how my life would be after the surgery living in San Francisco for 3 months, and then my world got flipped upside down when I lost my son. I have already taken so much time off at work this year with the fetal surgery, recovery, and then going home for the burial, so I don't think I can just take off to go back to Minnesota and see friends and family for 2 weeks to get me through that time. Too early to be spasing about this but I just know its going to be rough and need to find a way to have a little peace for the upcoming holidays.
I am even already counting down the weeks. I just keep thinking, thank god I am going to have a c-section about 3-4 weeks before my due date. Thinking that I will have my baby, granted all things go well, before the end of April makes me way happier than knowing I would have to wait till the middle of May for my due date. That's a lot of days of pregnancy craziness I won't have to endure, but seriously, saying I have 6 1/2 months left sounds way better than 7 1/2 months don't it.
So here I am, 7 weeks today and officially half way through my first trimester:) Yippee! I am still tired and having lots of nausea but still no real morning sickness I'd say. I have however reached that stage in my pregnancy where water tastes disgusting and I am having to force it down. I was like that with Liam also. With him I also hated the taste of vegetables, but haven't gotten to that point yet, if at all. I have my next Ob appt on Tuesday and will be 7 1/2 weeks and so excited to see my little one again. I just can't wait to see that flicker of a heartbeat this time. So excited, yes I did say that!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Fetal Surgery Picture
My friend found this picture with the article below and posted it on Facebook today. I don't know how I have never seen this one, but it is so amazing. Sorry if its a bit to graphic for some.
A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year,"... or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the U.S. paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."
Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person" Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....and hey, pass it on! The world needs to see this one!
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."
Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person" Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....and hey, pass it on! The world needs to see this one!
By: Sean Keeling
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wishing I Could Control My Thoughts Better
On Saturday night I met up with some friends at a local bar. I chatted with a friend for awhile about my pregnancy, some of my fears, and also on why I don't want to tell everyone I know quite yet about this pregnancy. My friend then informs me about how a mutual friend is also pregnant right now and is the same number of weeks as I am. I have no good reason for why hearing that brought tears to my eyes, but it did. I know plenty of babyloss moms right now that are pregnant and I am excited for them all, but yet hearing that this girl is pregnant really got to me. All I could think was, oh great, another friend that is pregnant at the same time as me, that last time I was pregnant at the same time as another friend, friends actually, she got to bring her happy, healthy baby home and I didn't. Such a shitty thought. I can't believe that it bothered me in that way. I even had to go to the bathroom and let out a short cry. So pathetic. Of course I am happy for her and want things to turn out. I guess I am just so afraid of things going bad again and having everyone around me keep getting pregnant so easily and have everything work out, while I sit here babyless. Guess I am not as optimistic as I thought.
On a whole other topic though, Dereck and I finished the closets in the nursery. That was the one thing we never touched when we remodeled the nursery this past spring. Now it is finished with tons of shelving and spots for hanging clothes. Now I just need stuff to hang up and place on the shelves and the baby.
On a whole other topic though, Dereck and I finished the closets in the nursery. That was the one thing we never touched when we remodeled the nursery this past spring. Now it is finished with tons of shelving and spots for hanging clothes. Now I just need stuff to hang up and place on the shelves and the baby.
Friday, September 23, 2011
6 Weeks
When I made my first appt/ u/s with my Ob dr. I knew I was scheduling it on the early side. The nurse even informed me that there was a chance that we might not even be able to see the heartbeat yet. I really wanted to see my baby though so I took the chance. Well yesterday was that appt and the nurse was correct, we were just a few days too early to detect the heartbeat. I kind of want to kick myself for scheduling so early knowing that chance, but I really needed this appt just to know anything I could about the status of my little one.
Today I am 6 weeks and yesterday at the appt. the yolk sac was measuring at about 5 weeks and a few days. Dr. said everything is growing right on schedule though which I was happy to hear. After the u/s we spent the remainder of the appt with her answering the gazillion and a half questions that I had.
You see I am a little paranoid as hell right now about everything. She has answered the majority of the questions I asked probably 5 times already between last pregnancy and again when I first started ttc again, but I needed to hear it one more time. Let's see, I was already pretty sure I had listeria-yes I am that paranoid. Dr. had to inform on just how low the risk is and that she has never seen anyone at her office get it. I had to once again double check on the safety of my face creams, make sure I am taking all of the proper vitamins, and how long I needed to stay on the prometrium for-which is until at least week 12. I also asked about getting the flu shot. I didn't get it with Liam because normally I never get sick and when I did get the shot 2 years in a row, both times right after I got sick. She said she always get sick when she gets it also but says she would still highly recommend me getting it because if I get the flu then I can't get on any of the meds to help me get better since I'm pregnant. I guess I'll get it then. I also asked about exercise policies again. I was very active with Liam. I jogged, cross country skied, hiked, and lifted weights. I haven't been too active this year but want to stay as active as I can. I know its still early in my pregnancy but the idea of a uterine rupture still scares the shit out of me, not to mention I am also a huge klutz which always worries me. I even once again brought up MTHFR to my dr. because it has been brought to my attention a few times in the past and it was once again brought to my attention by the fetal surgery babyloss mom I recently got in contact with. My Ob doesn't know to much about that but is going to ask one of the perinatologists about it and get back to me.
So I didn't get to hear the heartbeat but was happy to get all my questions answered. I know she knows that I am being super paranoid about everything, I know I am also, but she is really sweet and says she understands my reasoning for asking since I have gone through so much. The next appt. would normally be in 4 weeks but since the heartbeat was not there yet, and I need to hear that heartbeat, I am going back in 2 weeks. And you know for as nervous as I am, I actually feel pretty optimistic. I never thought I could feel that way at all this pregnancy and hear I am.
I had planned on writing all about that appt. as soon as I had gotten home from it. Once I got home though I was so exhausted that I laid around doing nothing all day and then finally gave in and went to bed early. In the past week since I had last wrote about this pregnancy I hadn't been feeling as tired as I did right at the beginning. It kind of worried me. Up until this appt tiredness was all I really had for symptoms and I feel like I needed something to let me know that I was still pregnant. It's not that I want to be nauseated or throwing up, but those are pretty good indicators that your still pregnant.
I also just want to add that:
I hope I don't offend anyone by writing about this pregnancy on my blog. This is part of my story and I want to keep it all together. I will continue to write about Liam also because he is my baby boy and I love and miss him dearly, but I would also like to write about his baby brother/sister, my rainbow, here also. I know I went through phases on and off this past year with reading blogs of babyloss moms that were pregnant again. Many times reading them gave me hope for the future that I would be pregnant again and finally get to bring a baby home. Other times I couldn't look at them at all because I was sad that I wasn't pregnant yet and wanted to be. That being said I also knew that they had once felt the same things that I was feeling, it's just hard.
I have told a select few family members and some of my closest friends about this pregnancy. I also know some other friends and family have read about it on my blog because they have sent me messages pertaining to it. I would appreciate it if anyone reads this they would please not share anything on Facebook or share the news with everyone they see.
I also just want to say how happy I am to see a few other babyloss mommas that got pregnant this month with me. I know of about 7 now. They all deserve this so much and I am so excited to have others to share this crazy, scary next step of the journey with.
Today I am 6 weeks and yesterday at the appt. the yolk sac was measuring at about 5 weeks and a few days. Dr. said everything is growing right on schedule though which I was happy to hear. After the u/s we spent the remainder of the appt with her answering the gazillion and a half questions that I had.
You see I am a little paranoid as hell right now about everything. She has answered the majority of the questions I asked probably 5 times already between last pregnancy and again when I first started ttc again, but I needed to hear it one more time. Let's see, I was already pretty sure I had listeria-yes I am that paranoid. Dr. had to inform on just how low the risk is and that she has never seen anyone at her office get it. I had to once again double check on the safety of my face creams, make sure I am taking all of the proper vitamins, and how long I needed to stay on the prometrium for-which is until at least week 12. I also asked about getting the flu shot. I didn't get it with Liam because normally I never get sick and when I did get the shot 2 years in a row, both times right after I got sick. She said she always get sick when she gets it also but says she would still highly recommend me getting it because if I get the flu then I can't get on any of the meds to help me get better since I'm pregnant. I guess I'll get it then. I also asked about exercise policies again. I was very active with Liam. I jogged, cross country skied, hiked, and lifted weights. I haven't been too active this year but want to stay as active as I can. I know its still early in my pregnancy but the idea of a uterine rupture still scares the shit out of me, not to mention I am also a huge klutz which always worries me. I even once again brought up MTHFR to my dr. because it has been brought to my attention a few times in the past and it was once again brought to my attention by the fetal surgery babyloss mom I recently got in contact with. My Ob doesn't know to much about that but is going to ask one of the perinatologists about it and get back to me.
So I didn't get to hear the heartbeat but was happy to get all my questions answered. I know she knows that I am being super paranoid about everything, I know I am also, but she is really sweet and says she understands my reasoning for asking since I have gone through so much. The next appt. would normally be in 4 weeks but since the heartbeat was not there yet, and I need to hear that heartbeat, I am going back in 2 weeks. And you know for as nervous as I am, I actually feel pretty optimistic. I never thought I could feel that way at all this pregnancy and hear I am.
I had planned on writing all about that appt. as soon as I had gotten home from it. Once I got home though I was so exhausted that I laid around doing nothing all day and then finally gave in and went to bed early. In the past week since I had last wrote about this pregnancy I hadn't been feeling as tired as I did right at the beginning. It kind of worried me. Up until this appt tiredness was all I really had for symptoms and I feel like I needed something to let me know that I was still pregnant. It's not that I want to be nauseated or throwing up, but those are pretty good indicators that your still pregnant.
I also just want to add that:
I hope I don't offend anyone by writing about this pregnancy on my blog. This is part of my story and I want to keep it all together. I will continue to write about Liam also because he is my baby boy and I love and miss him dearly, but I would also like to write about his baby brother/sister, my rainbow, here also. I know I went through phases on and off this past year with reading blogs of babyloss moms that were pregnant again. Many times reading them gave me hope for the future that I would be pregnant again and finally get to bring a baby home. Other times I couldn't look at them at all because I was sad that I wasn't pregnant yet and wanted to be. That being said I also knew that they had once felt the same things that I was feeling, it's just hard.
I have told a select few family members and some of my closest friends about this pregnancy. I also know some other friends and family have read about it on my blog because they have sent me messages pertaining to it. I would appreciate it if anyone reads this they would please not share anything on Facebook or share the news with everyone they see.
I also just want to say how happy I am to see a few other babyloss mommas that got pregnant this month with me. I know of about 7 now. They all deserve this so much and I am so excited to have others to share this crazy, scary next step of the journey with.
Monday, September 19, 2011
AFLAC
The other day we had an AFLAC representative come into our work to talk to us about our plans and see if we want to make any changes. This was someone new as the girl we had worked with moved to Florida last year. When I had the fetal surgery with Liam and he passed away I had lots of paperwork to fill out for AFLAC, so I had to call her and tell her my sad story so I could figure out how to go about filling out all of the paperwork. This new guy, he knows nothing at all about me or Liam.
So I go in and sit down by him and he goes over my policies with me and asks me first about my hospitalization plan. I had taken this out the other year because I was planning on being pregnant and thought it would come in handy. Who knew I would need it to cover me for being in the hospital for the fetal surgery, not the intended use, but glad I had it. Anyway, so I tell him I still want the plan and he asks me if its for pregnancy purposes. I tell him yes and then he ask," do you have kids, want to have more kids, how many kids do you have?" Ugh, totally caught off guard and for the very first time ever without even thinking about it I say no. I felt so bad for Liam saying that after I was done talking to him. Not that I need to fill everyone in on his story, but just for the fact I didn't even pause, just sad no as fast as I could.
I didn't end up changing anything on my plan. I considered dropping my disability because I don't plan on returning to work after my next baby is born, but figured I better hold on to it just in case I get put on bed rest. I had gotten the disability mainly for maternity leave. I did end up using my disability for that reason also, just didn't have the baby to go with it.
So I go in and sit down by him and he goes over my policies with me and asks me first about my hospitalization plan. I had taken this out the other year because I was planning on being pregnant and thought it would come in handy. Who knew I would need it to cover me for being in the hospital for the fetal surgery, not the intended use, but glad I had it. Anyway, so I tell him I still want the plan and he asks me if its for pregnancy purposes. I tell him yes and then he ask," do you have kids, want to have more kids, how many kids do you have?" Ugh, totally caught off guard and for the very first time ever without even thinking about it I say no. I felt so bad for Liam saying that after I was done talking to him. Not that I need to fill everyone in on his story, but just for the fact I didn't even pause, just sad no as fast as I could.
I didn't end up changing anything on my plan. I considered dropping my disability because I don't plan on returning to work after my next baby is born, but figured I better hold on to it just in case I get put on bed rest. I had gotten the disability mainly for maternity leave. I did end up using my disability for that reason also, just didn't have the baby to go with it.
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