Our Carrier is Pregnant- 16 weeks/4 Months

Jessica went in for her 16 weeks appt. last Thursday. It was supposed to have been a regular ob appt., but she ended up having some more bleeding again, so the dr. decided to order a full u/s on her as well. Placenta is low lying, but not over cervix. Cervix is closed. They did a look at the brain and spine, because spina bifida is still a worry to me even though Evelynn didn't have it, and so far that looks great as well. Baby is still as active as ever. Overall baby is looking and doing great.

But I bet the thing all of you are wondering is if we learned the sex yet, am I right? I was so hoping we were going to learn the sex as well, even though this wasn't supposed to be an u/s based appt. Well, we did. I am actually pretty ashamed at myself about how I reacted to the news. I guess I will just come out and say it.

We are having another BOY!

As soon as I heard that and seen the pics confirming he was a boy, who clearly wasn't at all shy of showing the world his business, I bawled my eyes out. I cried and then cried some more. I hate myself for crying when all I should care about is that he is healthy. We are in Hawaii, trying to relax and destress and I let it get to me the rest of the day. I was just so hoping for another girl. The thought of having to go home and slowly begin to pack up all my girl stuff makes me even more angry than I already am that Evelynn died. All of her dresses. All of the pink. What if I never have another girl again. I feel so pathetic, I have a healthy boy growing and I am complaining. Ugh!

I love it that Jessica is so understanding of my feelings toward this. She doesn't judge me for wishing this baby was a girl. She lets me know its okay to keep on grieving my daughter and that she will take care of our little guy until he is ready to meet us.

We are still in Hawaii as I write this and these past couple days since I learned we are having anther boy I can already see that I have definitely started coming around with the whole boy thing. I was going to have to eventually, right? I do love him and have already had many moments thinking about all of the wonderful things we are going to do together. Although I worry about letting myself think too much about it only to once again be left babyless.

Well I won't leave you hanging any longer, and yes I am sharing his name with you all. I waited for it to be a surprise with both Liam and Evelynn, and then regretted it later.

Introducing Liam and Evelynn's baby brother, Maximilian!

2nd Trimester and Other Stuff

Can you believe that 14 weeks have passed and we are officially into our 2nd trimestester!?! Just a week and half more until we are at 16 weeks/4 months pregnant! On April 25th Jessica will be having her 16 week appt. She has gotten many u/s's so far this prengancy too monitor the bleeding issue she's had, and everything still looks great with baby. At this appt. I hope everything still looks good of course, but I also hope the u/s will be able to tell us if baby is a boy or a girl. I just want the baby healthy, but it is continuously on my mind.
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The pediatician that we were going to have for Evelynn has an office at the same hospital where I work. I first met him and his wife, who is his nurse, during my interview with them last spring. I had told them Liam's story and they felt horrible when Evelynn passed as well. They also donated and came to the fundraiser. Quite a bit lately, when I go down to the cafeteria for lunch, I run into him. He always says hi, asks how the pregnancy is going, and how Jessica is doing. I love how caring and concerned he is. When we finally bring a baby home we are defintely going back to that clinic for our baby's care.
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Not sure if anyone else has read about this but here is the most recent article about the woman who got the very first uterus transplant, and she is NOW PREGNANT. This is so amazing! I hope this works for her. Maybe then one day more women like her, who are born without uteruses, can have a chance to carry their own baby. Maybe it could even help women like me who have had uterine ruptures or, even hysterectomies, and can't or are told to never get pregnant again.
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I wanted to mention a friend of mine who I met through my blog around the time of the fundraiser. She emailed me and shared her story of how she too had lost son and has no other living children. Like us they have been trying for years to bring home a baby. It is in her and her husbands best interest to do IVF and use a gestational carrier like me, their reasoning is genetic related. She did her first egg retrieval in December. We had hoped that in January I would do my egg retrieval and transfer, and they would do their transfer into their carrier, and our carriers would be pregnant together. They only ended up with one embryo and decided to try for another and so went through the process of egg retrieval again, but unfortunately this time all of her embryos died. They had decided just to transfer there one perfect embryo this past month, but it didn't take. I am so sad my friend. So much loss, time, and money invested into having a baby to be back where you started. It could've happened to us, it could still not work out, but her and her husband have been on my mind a lot lately. They are going to pursue adoption and are even considering ttc on their own again, although that is a risky option. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I just keep hoping that they will be one of those couples that you hear about that as soon as they find out they can get a baby to adopt, they also end up pregnant, and everything works out. They deserve things to work out.
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I also want to share this blog with everyone that I think is pretty cool. It is called white signs of grief and was created by Lindsey who's baby Nora was stillborn at 40 weeks. I am hoping to get a sign made for her blog real soon. Check it out.
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I have still been working hard on my house projects and also on getting stuff finished for Evelynn's first birthday. I can't believe it is a week away, and that she isn't here:(

Our Carrier is Pregnant- 12 weeks/ 3 Months

Yeah for this point!!!!

Here is baby measuring at 8 weeks and 6 days. Apparently he/she is quite active and at each u/s so far has been moving all over the place. Heartbeat was 171.

March 14, 2013

Since we have to be self pay, Jessica helped us work out a deal with the ob clinic and hospital. She was able to get us a 20% discount if we paid for everything in full right now. So today we paid off all of Jessica's prenatal care, the anatomy scan, and for a regular vaginal delivery. Now Dereck and I will be crossing our fingers that this pregnancy decides to stay complication free. 

Jessica also sent me a recording using my doppler I sent her, but for some reason I can't figure out how to upload it on my blog. It was nice to hear that sound though.

March 29, 2013

So here we are today, the big 12 weeks or 3 months. I am so happy that we are almost out of the first trimester.  I wish I could truly say that getting to this point means I can stop stressing about problems occurring. Afterall, miscarriage was never really the issue with me and pregnancies, not that I am not aware that it still could or could've happened. Anyone who has been following along is probably well aware that one of my main concerns is our baby having a birthdefect, spina bifida especially, like Liam had. We did the extra testing with Evelynn to make sure she was fine, but I don't think we are going to do any extra testing with this baby, beyond the anatomy scan that is, unless the doctor feels the need for it to be done. Hopefully after that I can breathe easy until we get close to that 36 week mark when I am sure I will go crazy until baby is born and in my arms alive and healthy.

The thing that kind of sucks about not getting any early testing done though, now I probably have to wait until the anatomy scan to find out what our little button is. Girl or Boy???

Also if you anyone noticed or not, I broke down and created a pregnancy ticker for this baby. The stork in the picture fits perfectly!!!!

Almost a 1/3 of the way through, approx. 28 weeks left, and less than 200 days remaining-but whose counting.

My Evelynn Bear is Here!!!!!!

I was having such a horrible day today, hence the previous post, and then my Molly Bear package arrived. I was bawling. I absolutely love her and love that her bear is pinked out and her correct weight.

Sister and Brother

11 Months Gone By

How can it be that we are on the count down to what should be my baby girls first birthday, here, not in heaven. I just keep doing more projects and exercising more and more to keep my mind occupied and to pass the time, but I'm just sad. You only can do so much and force yourself to put on a happy face for so long before you just can't handle it any longer. I just want what I want and I want it now.

I am also incredibly tired of all the pregnancies lately as well. It's not like any of this is new to me, but holy crap, is everyone pregnant or just had a baby. I swear I can count at least 10 people that I know IRL and I am sure their are many more that I just don't know about yet, but soon will. I know that we are technically among the pregnant ones, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I hate what I keep missing out on. Over two years now of just feeling like my life is on repeat and almost 5 years now of seeing everyone get what I want so badly. I find myself on so many of my low days cursing to myself under my breath. I truly don't won't others to feel my pain and yet at the same time I think I just wish that this would happen to someone else I know so I didn't have to feel like this huge freak. That's just me feeling sorry for myself though.

I can't wait until we are in Hawaii and can get some warmth and sunshine, but god does it suck that thoughts of knowing my time with my daughter was over and having a funeral for her were will be on my mind.

I guess I'll just end this here. I guess I don't have much to say and now the tears are starting to flow. And of course some more quotes from Pinterest because I love them and they really do say it better than what I can.

I love you Liam and Evelynn


Love you forever my baby girl:)



A friend went into Babies 'R' Us yesterday and said she saw these with my babies names on them and already next to each other on the shelf.



For you my little buddy. I miss you:)



Isn't this the truth:(