The 2WW

Over a week down, just a few more days to go until the beta.

Surprisingly I haven't been too stressed about it. I probably would be more, but have been busy with lots of other things.

First off, my Doxycycline that I was given to prevent infection from the egg retrieval gave me a huge unneeded distraction. The bottle says to make sure that you take it with a full glass of water and not to lay down for awhile after taking it. Well Saturday morning, the day after the transfer, I had to take my last morning pill. I was super tired from staying out late the night before, so I woke up, took the pill with only a small sip of water, and then fell back asleep. I don't know if what happened to me has happened to any of you, but it was horrible. After I woke up I started getting really bad heartburn. The heartburn got so bad I felt like I was having mini heart attacks. Nothing seemed to help it. About two days later I started having severe chest pains that was making it difficult to breathe. I also could barely eat anything, and drinking was even worse. We were in North Dakota visiting Dereck's family so feeling like crap and going to the doctor was not how I planned to spend our time. I had done my research and learned that it was most likely esophagitis, which is apparently quite common with Doxycycline use. Anyways, to make a long story short, I was told to go to the ER because the clinic there didn't know what to do with me. The ER did a esophogastroduodoscopy (EGD). I was right about the esophagitis and had a huge esophageal ulcer as well. I got some medicine to try to help the heartburn, but it did nothing, Just yesterday, more than a week later, I can finally drink water pretty well again and can eat most nonacidic and non-spicy things. Not mt idea of a fun distraction. Worst drug ever!

My 32nd birthday was on the 25th. We went to a hockey game but that was about it. It was hard to enjoy it when
I felt like crap and couldn't even have a delicious birthday dinner, but it is what it is. Derecks grandma did however get me a massage and facial before we left town that was amazing and much needed. 

So being up in North Dakota we visited Derecks family and Liam and Evelynn's graves. I wish we could have stayed longer at their graves, but the weather made it hard. Visiting family was good though. At least this visit wasn't because of a funeral or burial like the last three times we were home.

Everyone is so excited about the egg retrieval and transfer and eager to hear the results. I know people want it to work out this time, I do too, but when people bring it up I get frustrated. I wrote a post a few months back about how people were already saying to me that they "just feel it" about the next pregnancy working out. I get that people want to be positive. Plus, the chances of things going bad a third time are slim, but what happened to Liam and Evelynn were rare incidences, and they happened, and no one knows for sure it won't happen for a third time. I also get worried about the fact that nothing that we are doing is a secret. Everyone knows whats going on with us. Everyone knows that we did the transfer two Fridays ago and that the beta will be this Friday. There will be no keeping this pregnancy a secret until we are past the first trimester, not even to the heartbeat. Everyone is waiting for the news on friday. My blog is public so its not liking what we are doing is a huge secret. I just get worried that as soon as we tell everyone, both friends and family, that Jessica is pregnant they are all going to get so excited and assume everything will be fine and even more comments about how they new it would work will come. Outside of the baby loss blog world most everyone I know has never dealt with baby loss before, let alone two significant losses. For most of them a positive pregnancy test means there will be a healthy, living, take home baby 9 months later. None of which has been my reality.

I hate to even bring up religion or beliefs, but even comments relating to that are driving me crazy. I am tired of hearing people tell me that they are praying this is going to work. Please no one hate me for saying this, but I have just lost so much faith in anything these past two years. Sometimes I just want to freak out on people when they say that because God doesn't grant miracles. I mentioned that I read "Bad Things Happen to Good People" this past summer, and if I believe anything at all it is that it doesn't work that way Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just wish people would realize that I love the support, but I only want the support that comes from just being there for me and helping me get through the hard days, not from comments relating to things that aren't guaranteed.

I ended up having a huge talk with Dereck about my feelings towards this. He is so wise and always knows the right thing to say. He reminds that people don't know what to say, just as they didn't know what to say after we first lost Liam and Evelynn. That people want good things for us. They hope for the best and so they say that they feel it will work this time because its what they hope for so badly. He also shared with me a nice little analogy about how if say a child hurts themselves you tend to tell them everything is going to be okay because hearing more bad news will cause them not only more distress but will most likely cause you to be more stressed, and so on. Anyway enough of that.

We have a few days left in Minnesota and then will be heading home. Jessica has her beta on Friday so hopefully we will have good news for the plane ride home.