Return to Zero

The Return to Zero movie premiered on Saturday, September 17th. The babyloss community knew of this film early on as we have all experienced it firsthand and were excited that a film was finally getting made in hopes to help break the silence surrounding stillbirth and infant loss. It is actually the producer and his wife's story of when they lost their son in the last weeks of pregnancy. I wasn't able to see it because I don't have cable, but hopefully I will be able to soon. Since I have not seen the movie I can't exactly give it a review. I have heard comments from both baby loss moms and from friends who have never experienced a loss that were able to see it. From the friends that have never experienced a loss, they all said it was so incredibly sad and just can never imagine. Which is pretty much what they all said to me after my losses. The target group for this film is of course the ones who have never lost a baby in hopes that they can get a better understanding of how painful it is to lose a baby, how life will never be the same, that we will always love those babies, and they will always be a part of our family. The reviews I have heard from a few baby loss moms have been both good and bad. One thing I have heard is that their wasn't enough crying and talk about just how important that baby was. I know everyone grieves differently, although I cried and screamed a lot, but I'll just have to see for myself when I get to see it.

One thing I loved that this movie did was to allow us baby loss moms to purchase a spot in the credits where our babies names would be listed. I love that everyone who watches this film had a chance to see the credits and see my babies names along with so many other loved and missed babies. I was so happy and surprised when I got a few different pictures from friends of the credits, who have not lost a child but watched the movie.

A Second Birthday

For so long it seemed I was stuck in a place where time stood still, but everyone else's lives seemed to be happily moving forward. I remember those final days leading up to the rupture and her birth and how excited I let myself get. I was finally going to have a baby at home......and then of course it was gone, again. Having Max here has not only made time not seem like it's standing still, but instead flying by. The worst part about it is that it still hurts so much, especially around this time of year when we should be celebrating a birthday, her second, with her here.

As usual I never seem to know what to do on these birthdays and anniversaries. I want to honor my babies but I still just can't get past the unfairness of it all. I tend to pout, and that's what I did all day until an unexpected surprise showed up. At about 3 in the afternoon on her birthday, April 22nd, the doorbell rang. There was a lady at the door with a birthday balloon and some flowers. The lady looked at me and said, "Evelynn Rasmussen," and the tears formed immediately. Somebody said her name!

It is now 2 and a half weeks since her second birthday and that balloon is still hanging around the house. It was floating around for a long time from room to room and now is just hanging out in the living room as it's lacking in air. I love seeing it and smile thinking of my girl.

I finally got her scrapbook out and am determined to get it done before the year is out. I wish sooner, but I am not going to push myself. Getting that out alone with all of her hospital pictures is progress in itself. I've still barely looked at them since we got them developed. I also still haven't gotten any of her NLMDTS pictures on the wall, but that I hope to get up by the end of the year too. We will see.

Love you forever baby girl.

6 Months Pics and a Family Visit to MN and ND

A month and a half late. but here are a few of his 6 month pics. How is time going so fast?

 

After the blm weekend in Vegas, Max and I stayed another 5 days and did some sightseeing while Dereck came down and went to a work conference. Max did so awesome! We drove and hiked all over together- to the Hoover Dam, Lake Mead Recreation Area, to Red Rock Canyon, to Valley of Fire State Park, and even spent some time walking up and down the strip. It was a great few days of mom and son time.

 

After we left Nevada we flew to Minnesota to visit with family. It was a busy week as we had a lot of people to visit and of course everyone wanted to see Max since they hadn't seen him since he was born. We were also able to visit with Jessica and her family, but only for a short time since we were all so busy, but we were happy to see them at all. We were able to get lots of pictures of Jessica and her family with Max. It's still so hard to believe that at this time last year she was still pregnant with him and now he is 7 months old.

 

The most important visit being back in ND was of course going to Liam and Evelynn's graves. It just so happened to be sibling day on the day we made it out there.

 

Visiting Evelynn and Liam on sibling day.

2014 BLM Rainbow Weekend in Vegas

Big things have been happening this past month. Some happy, some sad. Many posts to come!

The weekend of March 27th Max and I flew to Las Vegas and met up with 9 other blms and their rainbows. Last year I did not gather with these women since my rainbow Evelynn had passed away, and it would've been too hard for me to go without a baby. This year I had Max and I'm glad we were able to make it. 

I knew I wanted to go right away when the discussion of when and where this gathering was going to be, but I was incredibly nervous too. We all had rainbows, but their rainbows were all toddlers now that were around Evelynn's age. Max was by far the baby of the group. I thought it would be hard seeing all the little girls knowing my rainbow daughter didn't make it and also having a house full of toddlers running around seeing firsthand what I was missing out on. I'm not going to lie, the first few days I definitely felt a little left out. All the kids played together and the other moms got to talk about all things toddler. One little girl in particular  melted my heart as she became obsessed with "helping" Max with his pacifier and pushing him all over in his stroller.

By the last night though, all that anxiety and nervousness seemed to vanish, and I was finally able to breathe, share some of my thoughts, and listen to others talk about their babies. And other than for some nasty sickness that got a few of the mommas and babies, it was a great weekend. I can't wait for next year.

Anna, Camille, Addison, Hayes, Otis, Eliza, Bear, Elizabeth, and my Liam and Evelynn- you are all forever in our hearts and missed dearly.

Where Has March Gone

March seems to be flying by, and we have been so busy. Max is growing like crazy. Can you believe he is 6 months old already? I'll post his 6 months pictures when I get them.

Here's the run down of what's been going on lately.

-We have started solids and he seems to be enjoying them so far. Actually, I can't help but giggle watching him trying to devour the spoon. It's classic!
-We put in his big boy car seat a few weeks back. Best decision ever! He hated that infant car seat, so it was time for a change, and he has never been happier on car rides.
-He still has issues with dairy. I test it on occasion. Sometimes I feel like he handles it okay and other times I pay for it for days with a very unhappy, restless baby. Maybe in another couple months he will be able to tolerate it better. I really miss cheese, but I really want to continue to breastfeed for the first year if possible.
-Since his eye surgery back in February he has been wearing glasses, but now also has contacts. The glasses are big, get in the way, and gives him no peripheral vision. The contacts, on the other hand, will give him better vision, which will better his development. At his 6 month pediatrician appt. yesterday Max still scored lower in his gross motor skills. Our pediatrician thinks he may still be playing catch up from the cataracts.
-Max hasn't started crawling yet, but we are working on getting our house more baby friendly. We have a ways to go.
-Other than all that, Max and I spend our days playing. It definitely isn't easy, but being able to stay home with my kid, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One thing I had been wanting to do for a while, but was so scared about doing, is joining a mommy and baby/kid type meet up group. I was really starting to feel the need to meet other moms that stay at home with their kids and I know that it is good for Max to start interacting with others around his age. We have gone to 2 meet ups so far, and I'd say they've gone pretty well. I still have my own issues I need to work out when it comes to others and pregnancy talk and baby girls. Right now I am trying to find the nerve to respond  to a message from one of the girls in the group who messaged me the other day. She has a baby girl who is a week younger than Max and is wondering if we can get together for a play date. Eeek!

I have so much more to share, but that's all for now.

Haven't figured out the jumping part yet, but he seems to like it.

I bought the chariot when I was pregnant with Liam. I am so excited that I was finally able to use it!

Daddy's been working a lot. He sure does love his daddy!



Upgraded to the big boy carseat and wearing our new glasses!

We started solids and wearing contacts!