Wednesday, October 30, 2013

1 Month Old and More

Our journey to grow our family started shortly before Dereck and I were married. On October 18th Dereck and I had our 5th wedding anniversary. For the past 2 1/2 years since I started this blog numerous posts have started with 1 month pregnant or three months since my baby past away, but today, a little over 5 years since we got married and started trying to conceive, and through the loss of Liam and Evelynn, I finally get to post that a baby of mine, my little Max, is ONE MONTH OLD! It has been along time coming. A lot of happiness, but also a lot of sadness in the these past 5 years.

It's hard for me to still fully believe that we have a living baby at home. I mean I see him, I love him, I know he's ours, but yet their is this part of me that still feels a bit of detachment to him. I don't know if its that I didn't get that first 9 months with him that I did with Liam and Evelynn, like maybe how it is for any father, or if my worry that he could still die keeps me from it. Yes, I still worry a lot, but from talking to other moms who have not lost a baby, their is plenty of the them who have the same worries. The ones that tell me not to worry, well they still just make me as mad as they did when they told me not to worry through any of my (or Jessica's) pregnancies.

I look back at this past year and half since we first held Evelynn, and said goodbye for now, we have come so far. Just under a year and a half ago I remember reading the email from Jessica reaching out to us. Some girl who we have never met is considering carrying a baby for us? Who does that? Fast forward to 10 months ago and we are preparing to do an embryo transfer. We are worried our single little embryo won't take. We are financially worried as well. Can I handle another loss? What will we do if this doesn't work? I miss my daughter? I am sad. I hate the world? Why am I having to go through this?

Fast forward to just one month ago. I get the call, Jessica's says, "It's time!" She's heading to hospital! Holy crap this is finally happening, and its actually not an emergency situation. Could things really go smoothly for us? Could I finally be holding a healthy baby in my arms that could leave the hospital with us? It is 5:00pm, the epidural is started. Jessica's water is broke. The pitocin has begun. It is 9:00pm and Jessica is at an 8. The pushing is beginning. 9:22pm Max is here. I am crying with joy. Jessica says the delivery is exactly how she hoped it had gone. She tells me that she had been preparing herself for this moment and feels better than she expected. I feel the same way though. Her and her family meet Max. Max responded so much to the sound of her boys voices. He must remember them. I would say it was a special moment having all of us, the two families, together with Max.

Here we are today. A whole month and almost a week old already. He is gaining weight so fast, about 9lbs already. And does he ever love to eat. I'd almost say he eats more than he sleeps. People often ask me if he is a good baby. I find it to be kind of a silly question when on one hand I haven't had a baby come home before Max to compare him to, but on the other hand he is ALIVE people! My baby is alive and yes their are times when I swear he is thinking, "I am just gonna scream all day unless you let me just use your boob as a pacifier." Those times are indeed quite stressful. Which I am sure the lack of sleep doesn't help, but I'll take the screaming any day knowing he alive and thriving. It sure beats the ugliness of grief that I have worked through the past 2 1/2 years. I will admit though, their are times I catch myself thinking of Evelynn and thinking how she was the perfect baby and would've never screamed this much. Talking to another blm friend recently she let me know she kind of went through the same thing, the putting her baby she had lost up on this pedestal of wonderfulness. I don't want to do that to Max. Max is Max, and I love him.

As I said above, Max is doing a lot of screaming. He has his moments, but usually during the day when he is hanging out with me while dad sleeps, he's really good and eats, sleeps, and poops. Night time is a whole other story. He doesn't want to go to sleep at night and if he does it is maybe for a half hour to an hour an then he is usually up again wanting to eat. If you don't let him eat, because he can't possibly be hungry since he just ate like 4 ounces an hour ago, he will scream at you until he gets more food. We are working with the pediatrician now to see if we can find out if he has a food sensitivity or if its just colic. So as of today he isn't getting any breast milk for the rest of the week at least and will be taking this specialty formula instead. Poor little baby of mine, now he can't even soothe himself with boob:(. I hope we can figure this out so he is happier and will sleep more at night.

I do think of Evelynn a lot though. I search for her in Max quite often. Their are times when he is laying just right that you can see this small butt chin appear and it makes me smile. I am pretty sure every time I see it I run my fingers over it and just think of her. I love it. I was hoping more and more of her would come through but Max is Liam through and through. Most people tell me they think he looks like me but I think from looking at Liam's pictures and at Derecks baby pictures, he has got more of their features. But all my babies have got their head of hair from me, which I love:). I also am still constantly thinking about our next baby. I love Max, but their is a part of me that is still missing. Maybe in time that part of me will lessen or maybe it'll only be filled or healed by trying to have a younger sibling for Max by getting another carrier, adopting a little girl, or even by attempting to have a pregnancy that doesn't result in a dead baby. I don't know what it will take, but for now that's where I am at, and who knows, maybe no matter what I do there will always be that part of me missing since Liam and Evelynn will always be missing. All I know is right now those little girl dresses that never got to be worn are calling my name:(

Operation Bring Milk Back For Max:

So we are a little over a month into breastfeeding and so far he has only gotten breastmilk. I said that he likes to eat and I can barely keep up with him. Most of the milk that I had saved, when we first got home and he wasn't eating as much, is going fast. We were able to get some donor milk but I would prefer to use my own if we can help it. He will be on this formula from the pediatrician for a few days here and so I'll get to store up some more in the mean time. Of course if we find out he has a sensitivity to something that I eat then I guess we may not be using any of that milk, but we will see what happens once we have answers.

I am still taking the domperidone and am still taking 2 10mg pills 3 x a day as I have for the majority of the time since I started it. The pediatrician doesn't want me to stop taking it or lower my dose yet because we are worried that my supply will drop with it and not sure if we want to mess with that. I have been making oatmeal bars with brewers yeast and flax in them(like lactation cookies) and was taking, but now finished, with these horrible tasting more milk herbal supplement drops in hopes to increase my milk. We think I am probably averaging about 24-26 ounces a day. I have been pumping at night so Dereck can bottle feed him, and every 3-4 hours I get about 3-4 ounces. So averaging about an ounce an hour. I really wish I could get back up to the 35 ounces a day I was getting when I was pumping and donating. Although I know it took time to build up to that as well. If we have to use some donor milk or even supplement one feeding a day, or even doing the specialty formula we are doing now, I know it won't be the end of the world. I am glad I have been able to provide him with as much breast milk as he has gotten.

I am still working on and updating a post that I will save in the Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey tab for others who may be venturing down this inducing lactation road. Also in this tab I have included all links to posts relating to my gestational carrier journey along with a cost summary of doing this.

My little pumpkin, I mean owl, all dressed up for Halloween. This was Evelynn's. I am glad Max was able to wear it.

October 15th Wave of Light for Stillbirth and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Remembering my sweet Liam and Evelynn always, along with all other babies gone too soon.

15 comments:

  1. I'm so glad Max is healthy and one month old! You've worked so hard for Max's breast milk, could you do an elimination diet? (yes it would suck. Ha no pun intended!) but then he'd still be able to get your milk minus any possible allergens. Good luck trying to figure it all out! xoxo

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    1. After 1 night on the special formula, that is actually for ruling out a milk sensitivity, he is like a new baby. He actually slept, didn't scream at all, and when he was awake he looked happy and content. So I think I either will have to completely eliminate dairy or keep on this formula. I hate having such an unhappy baby.

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  2. Well isn't Evelynn's owl costume adorable! :)

    I cannot believe you're producing that much milk. Like, WOAH. I never produced that much and Benjamin was exclusively breastfed! I was proud to get 4 ounces out of a pump session.

    So nice to hear updates from you, as always.

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  3. I had a baby like that and I had to eat a very bland diet for a long time. No dairy of any kind. It was worth it, but I would never fault someone for not wanting to go to that extreme.

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  4. He is so, so sweet!!
    Have they thought he may have reflux? For a long time they always diagnosed it as colic but the past few years its actually the tummy and reflux after feedings. A wedge and some baby reflux med may help! Ask you doc! Many babies in my fam had it and they used these methods and they totally helped!!

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  5. That squishy owl is too cute! Whatever you have to do - eliminate some foods or switch to formula, you should be proud of what a great start you've given him thus far with all that healthy milk!

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  6. I love your honesty. When babies scream, we *all* have thoughts we don't understand having. I've on occasion wondered what Avalon would be like compared to Jo Jo. I'm lucky that Jo Jo is fairly easy as babies go, but there are still things that I catch myself comparing, even though I have no way of knowing what Avalon's personality would really have been like. *hugs* and congrats still on that cute little owl. It's precious that he got to wear his sister's outfit.

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  7. He's so beautiful. I am sooooo over the moon happy for you!

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  8. I read your post yesterday and did not respond. I wanted to have the time to respond appropriately because so much of what you said...I get.

    Lillian had colic. It is not something I wrote about a lot on the blog mostly because my life was so miserable those first few months. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all misery. Daylight hours usually were not bad but from 10pm -6 am...mercy. She would HOWL. In my case I never tried an elimination diet but I would encourage you to. Do whatever you need to. Know that you aren't alone in wondering what your Liam and Evelyn may have been like and comparing. It is natural. Your frustration in dealing with a screaming baby is natural too.

    We had one rule, no baby cries alone. So we were always there and held her through it. Sure usually once a night I wouldn't be able to do it, would have to set her down for 15 mins and go back in once more. It caused me a lot of anxiety, waiting for the crying to start and waiting for the worst of it to begin... I think that is normal to. He knows you love him, he knows you want to take it away and that is what matters most.

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    1. Thanks for the comment. Max seems to be the same as your Lillian with being awake and unhappy from 10pm-6am. We did the formula for a few days and I have started eliminating dairy from my diet. Hope it helps so we can exclusively breastfeed again. .

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  9. I would just add that make sure he doesn't have super long naps in the afternoon/early evening (more than 3 hours). If that happens, babies aren't typically ready to sleep in the evening. And then once they ARE ready, they've gotten overtired and are therefore much MUCH harder to get to sleep/keep asleep. It turns into a vicious cycle.

    Just thought I'd add that in.

    He's gorgeous, and you're doing great!

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  10. I would just add that make sure he doesn't have super long naps in the afternoon/early evening (more than 3 hours). If that happens, babies aren't typically ready to sleep in the evening. And then once they ARE ready, they've gotten overtired and are therefore much MUCH harder to get to sleep/keep asleep. It turns into a vicious cycle.

    Just thought I'd add that in.

    He's gorgeous, and you're doing great!

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  11. He's such a beautiful boy! I am so happy for you :D

    I have been following your blog for a while now and wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Stork Award. You can see it on my page http://welcometomyuterus.blogspot.com/2013/11/stork-award.html

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  12. Hi Becky! so glad to see that you're doing so well and Max is such a healthy, thriving and gorgeous boy. God bless you and take care

    -ruth

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