Friday, December 30, 2011

20 Weeks Or 5 Months

Well I am officially to the half way point in a 40 week pregnancy. I will not be going to 40 weeks so I guess I reached the half way mark a week or two ago already, that is depending on when the c-section date will be of course.

Does 20 weeks mean much to me. Not really. It doesn't mean I am out of the "shit can still go wrong stage" I know that firsthand nor does it guarantee me a living healthy take home baby at the end neither.

It is a good milestone to some, and don't get me wrong I am glad time has been moving along as fast as it has, but a good milestone for me is getting past 25 weeks+6 days. That one will be huge. Reaching viability is also a good milestone, but if the CPR is unsuccessful, viability doesn't mean much.

Anyways, enough on that.

I am happy to see this year coming to an end.
Next year just has to be better than this one.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Another First Gone By... Just A Few Firsts Remaining

Don't know what to say about Christmas really. I could talk forever about how I wish Liam could have been here celebrating another first, and how much I miss him, but that's what I wish for and feel everyday.

I was and am happy to be pregnant with Liam's little sister but was still for the most part just numb on Christmas. Christmas eve was better than Christmas day for sure, but we all know it could've been better. Did a little skiing, Dereck and I cooked our own little Christmas dinner for ourselves, opened our presents for each other, and went searching the town for Christmas lights. Christmas day I just felt tired and on the cranky side, my lack of sleep lately probably had more to do with that though. Sat around most of the day and that evening went to a friends Christmas dinner. Ate and talked a little with friends but for the most part didn't feel much like socializing. Normally I would have gone home to Minnesota to see family for Christmas but I wouldn't have been much fun, so a mellow Christmas with just Dereck is really all I needed and probably could have handled. And honestly I would love it if no one else felt the need to ask me about how my Christmas was.

However, I was so grateful for the ones that remembered him; blm's Sarita, Deanna, and Shauna "thank you." Also, a big thank you to Dereck's sister who sent me a picture of the ornament she added to her tree this year for Liam, it brought tears to my eyes and was the best gift ever. She also told me she had a talk with her little boy about Liam and how he was in heaven with the stars and angels. She said that he wished his baby cousin were here to play with but  since he is in heaven he gets to meet Superman's mom and dad. So sweet knowing that she thinks and talks about him:)

It is now the week leading up to the fetal surgery that took place just one year ago. A few weeks ago the anticipation for this time was eating away at me causing unnecessary panic of how I will get through this time. As with Christmas, right now I am just numb about the whole thing. I haven't been crying or dwelling on this time last year and where we were at like I thought I'd be, not that I have forgotten because I know exactly where we were each and every day; Christmas, baby shower, and then off to San Francisco for testing, meeting doctors, January 3rd, and so on. I am just lost in my own little world about it. Feel like I can't cry but don't really want to talk about it either. If that makes any sense at all. I still don't even know what to do for the big one year, his birthday, just 6 days away. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Anatomy Scan And 18 Weeks + 5 Days

So far this past week has been pretty darn good.

First off is that I am finally for sure that I can feel my little babe kicking versus it being gas or all in my head. So wonderful to be feeling that again!

Second being that Liam has a baby sister! Yup, that's right, we are having a girl! We have a couple girl names that we like but nothing has been decided yet.

Third and most importantly being that everything is measuring spot on. No signs of any hydrocephalus, spina bifida, or other abnormality.  Woo hoo! Happy Dance!

So here she is at 18 weeks + 5 days and a whopping 9 oz.

After the u/s was over we talked with the Dr. about when she would suggest doing a c-section. She preferred not going past 37 weeks and if anything she said we could do an amnio at 36 weeks just to ensure baby is doing good for an early delivery. Really hope my Ob will agree with her on that plan.

We will be going back and seeing the Perinatologist again in 6 weeks. At this appt she will do another u/s to look at my uterus closer and make sure that my incision still looks good.

Friday, December 16, 2011

18 Weeks

It is amazing how much my attitude and anxiety changes from one week to the next. Pregnancy after babyloss has as many ups and downs as the roller coaster that is grief. Since I have received those wonderful Quad screen results the other week I have definitely enjoyed being on the up. I have been feeling like Christmas might not be as bad as I imagined, still sad since my little guy isn't here to celebrate, but don't think I'll be curled up crying in a depressed state all day either.

In memory of Liam I decided to chose some names off the Salvation army tree this year. I can't believe I have never done that before, it felt good, really good. I really wanted to find one for an infant to 1 year old boy preferably named William or Liam. Couldn't find that so I got one tag that was for a little 1 year old boy named Harry and another for a 3 year old boy named William, and no I wasn't trying to chose the prince's names, it just happened that way. When I dropped off those gifts I noticed there were so many names still left on the tree at my work so I decided I had to get a few more gifts, and like I said it felt really, really good knowing I could at least put a smile on another child's face this holiday season.

I had another Ob visit yesterday and my little babe's heartbeat is still trucking along at a perfect 160 bpm. My Dr. even mentioned how much happier I have seemed these past few appts. compared to the nervousness/anxiety I brought to the first few appts. Getting good test results does that to you I guess. My only concern is that Dereck asked her about when we would be setting up the c-section date and she responded with telling us its too early for that but that she would like to try and wait until 39 weeks. That freaks me out considering the fetal surgery docs told me never to go into labor or past 38 weeks, ever. I understand my docs concern about making sure my baby is big and healthy but the idea of a uterine rupture (I know statistically the chances are on the lower end and she said I would be monitored closely, but I've heard all that before) or stillbirth (I know too many mommas who lost there babies around that 38-39 week mark) scares the crap out me. No need to worry about that now though.

Next Wednesday is my anatomy scan/level 2 u/s with the Perinatologist. Hoping and praying that these tests have been right and baby will be perfect. Also will find out if all my friends and Dereck are right and we are having a girl. I am definitely starting to feel like this has got to be a girl, but what do I know. Baby just be healthy please.

I thought I would share an awkward situation I had the other week in regards to my concern about getting asked the question of this pregnancy being my first.

Since I was so overjoyed about my Quad screen results. I bought my very first pair of maternity jeans. When I was trying the pants on I had asked the lady working there a few questions about how they should fit in regards to gaining weight in other areas besides the belly region because they fit perfectly now and was afraid if my thighs or butt got any bigger they would no longer fit. The lady asks me if this is my first child and I hated to do it but just wanted to avoid getting into the story that it was my second but didn't get to the point last pregnancy that I felt the need to buy maternity jeans, so I told her no. As I am checking out she starts asking me questions telling me that once she gets my info into their system I'll get all this enfamil and other baby related stuff in the mail. I kind of wanted to tell her that I didn't want that crap since I have kind of been down that road of receiving baby stuff before for a child that never got the chance to utilize any of it, but didn't. So I gave her my info and low be hold she says that I am already in there system and then asks me this stupid question, "Are you sure this isn't your first baby because I have a due date set for April 12th, 2011?" Oh fuck me I thought, I completely forgot I had bought one of those pant button extender things last winter.  Plus, if I already told her it's my first why would she ask me if I'm sure. Hello lady put two and two together and realize I just don't want to talk about it right now. Felt ridiculous for lying to her and then getting caught in said lie. Maybe it really is just best to be honest about everything upfront to avoid situations like these.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Just The News I Needed And 16 Weeks + 4 Days

I have been incredibly anxious for so many reasons. First being that I am nervous for this month and all that it meant for me and Liam, the time leading up to the fetal surgery, and the big one year mark. Second is my anxiety for this pregnancy. I have been just so nervous to tell people I'm pregnant because I am afraid people will forget Liam and assume this baby is a replacement to him and they'll assume now I can just move on and be happy. Also I am afraid of telling people things are going good and then they go bad again. I'm scared of being visibly pregnant and having people I don't know ask me about this pregnancy, especially patients at work. I mean I have already gone through almost a year of telling people about Liam and answering the question to people that don't know me that "I do in fact have a son but that he died", but the idea of telling people that ask if this is my first that "no it is actually my second" scares the crap out of me. And of course also scared because I want this baby to be birth defect free and live.

This anxiety was seriously getting the best of me, but then I got the call of calls, exactly what I needed.

While trying to wait patiently, well not so much, for these quad screen results because I needed to know them so badly the nurse finally called me tonight. I want to jump for joy and typing this with a huge smile on my face. According to the labs my babe has a 1 in 5000 chance of having both a neural tube defect and for trisomy. 1 in 5000 people! I had to repeat that back to her just to make sure I heard her correctly. This is incredible to me, the best thing I've heard in awhile, and exactly what I needed right now to calm the skyrocketed, heart pounding anxiety that I have had. Woohoo!

So here I am, 4 months into my pregnancy and have had all great test results so far. I feel like this is a huge milestone to have not had one red flag yet! Do I dare say that I think this baby might actually be perfectly healthy, can I let the excitement in, and not be speaking too soon? Yippee!

Other than that anxiety craziness and now this fabulous news there hasn't been anything too new this past week and probably nothing new till the next Ob appt next Thursday. Maybe I'll try and get the nerve up to tell some more people about this pregnancy. So far at work, besides the other girl that's pregnant and my boss, I have only told our PA and she said she thought I was pregnant because I have seemed happier in the last couple months then I have in a long time. That was good to hear that others have noticed I have been happier, anxious, but happier.

Monday, December 5, 2011

11 Months

Sweet Liam,

I'm sorry little buddy, I am a little behind on writing you. I have had way too much on my mind lately. I can't even believe December is here already with January just around the corner. My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past couple weeks just thinking about eveything that happened just one year ago and how now, one year later, I am going to get through this time. I know I just need to take it day by day, just breathe, and not worry about how I am going to get through the next month but it is just weighing me down and I can't seem to get it off my mind.

Just one year ago on December 2nd we had our anatomy scan and I learned you were a little boy. That same day your father and I also learned of your hydrocephalus and were told we needed to go see a Perinatologist. That seems to be where it all started. I was definitely scared little buddy but at the same time this when your kicks got strong enough that we could see them. I was so in love. How would I have guessed that in a few weeks, just two days after Christmas, we would have found ourselves on a journey to San Francisco?

So now what do I do for January 3rd. I don't even know what to call it. I guess birthday because it was the day you were born, but you shouldn't have been born then, not that soon. It's still so hard for me to not think about the fetal surgery and the fact that January 3rd was the day that changed your life, our lives, just not the way we had expected. I want to be able to celebrate your beautiful, yet short life, but I find myself still getting so angry with the way things played out that day. I just don't know what to do, I just wish I could let go of this anger.

I love you so much and I hope others remember you too and just how special you are to me.

Love, Mom

Oh, and if you have a chance little buddy there are quite a few mommas celebrating the first birthdays of there little ones in heaven right now, if could give them all a hug because I am sure they are missing their mommas as much their mommas are missing them.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Bad Dream And The Christmas Box

I hope this was only a one time thing but last night I had a bad dream involving the new baby getting an u/s with the Perinatologist. The Dr. said nothing through the entire exam but at the end informs me that my baby has a bad cleft palette. Now that is definitely not something really that serious but in my dream I was bawling my eyes out and asking the Dr. if there was anything else wrong, inquiring if the cleft palette was a sign of a more serious problem or if my baby had Spina Bifida again or what. The Dr. said she wasn't going to talk to me about it but will send the results to my Ob Dr. and she will go over them with me. 

Part of me feels like this is like a flashback to when I found out about how bad Liam's Spina Bifida was. The Perinatologist didn't really tell me much then either and I had to find out the next day at work when my Ob called and asked how I was handling the bad news.

I want to believe this is just some stupid dream and not a sign that my baby is sick again but now I am getting nervous for the Quad screen. This is not what I needed. I'm already having trouble sleeping and now this dream. Some may not find this to be that horrible and even consider it just a dream, but I have been trying to do my best to remain as calm as possible and that didn't help.

As my counselor would tell me, just breathe and remember that there is nothing I can do about anything until I get the results back. It's true and I have been working hard on relaxing and not excessively worrying about things I can't control, but stupid dream:(.

I don't recall if I ever wrote about the book The Christmas Box or not. This book was given to me in a folder I received filled with pamphlets about grief and loss. It is a short book but it took me forever to read because I would bawl my eyes out after every page I read. I am bringing this up right now because I found out there is a movie based on this book and I had to watch it, although the book is so much better. It is also supposed to be a true story, which makes it even better. I would definitely give it a read, even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

15 Weeks + 1 Day And Thanksgiving

I think I feel my babe kicking already, but not sure. Could just be gas or maybe I just want to feel it so bad again that its all in my head. It is still so early but I read that with the second pregnancy you can often feel the kicks sooner. It started last Thursday so its been over a week now and I swear I have felt something everyday, but only for a moment each time. Can't wait till it gets stronger and more frequent.
Otherwise nothing new this past week and Quad screen will be on Tuesday.

I wrote this on Thanksgiving and guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself that my husband was at work and my baby wasn't here, but much better now.

How do I feel about Thanksgiving? Well as I sit here and write this I am in tears. In between cooking and cleaning this afternoon before I head to a friends house for dinner I decided to get out the Christmas stuff. I didn't think I was going to set up anything Christmas related this year, let alone this early, but then decided the other week that I owe it to myself and to Liam to try and enjoy the holidays the best I could. I'd like to think Liam wants me to be happy, especially around the holidays, even if he isn't here. Also feel that I needed to do this for the new baby. Through everything that happened last year, especially right around Christmas, I really did enjoy setting Christmasy stuff up thinking how great it would be next year when I had my little babe here celebrating with us. Even though things didn't turn out as planned I am glad I got one Christmas with Liam and that's how I feel with this baby also.
So why now am I sitting here with the house filled with Christmas stuff thinking that this was a bad idea?

Here are the ornaments I got for Liam for the tree. Of course the klutz in me dropped the mitten one right after taking the picture and it busted into pieces. I also would still like to get a First Christmas in Heaven type ornament with his footprints on it but haven't gotten around to ordering one yet.

Friday, November 18, 2011

14 Weeks

We made it to the second trimester, and with no red flags!

Yesterday I had a check up with my Ob Dr. She used the Doppler and it was nice to hear that sound again, although I have used mine about 3 times this past week because I have been nervous for those results. I was able to discuss the results more with my Dr. since like I said I had spoke to the nurse about them the other day but couldn't really ask any questions about them. My Dr. said that yes the blood work showed that I am not considered high risk, which I guess is classified by if your results come back with you having anything under a 1 in 50 chance. Remember Liam was 1 in 30 for a NTD, so I guess knowing I am not in that high risk category is a good feeling. She wants me to now do the step 2 blood work to go along with the first blood work and those results combined will tell me more info of where I stand with everything. I think that test is called the Quad screen, not sure, I swear I get everything so confused about all of these tests because I am so concerned about things coming back good that I hear nothing else. Anyways, I will be getting that done in a week and half.

My Dr. also brought up the possibility of me just skipping my anatomy scan at there clinic and going straight to a Perinatologist. I am guessing she suggested this being that it is a level two u/s that will not only show more about my baby but hopefully will also leave me with a little more peace of mind that things are okay. Or I guess if things weren't okay I would no for sure what, and to what extent, right away. 

Next regular Ob appt. and u/s is in 4 weeks. That seems so far away. That will also be my last appt. with my awesome Ob Dr. for awhile. She informed that she will be gone for a couple of months starting at the end of December. Freaking out about this a little. I love this Dr. She has been there for me through everything with Liam. I know its only a few months and she would be back for my delivery, but who do I see in the meantime that will be as caring and understanding about my craziness has her? Not quite sure how I am gonna handle that one yet.

How badly I wanted you to be healthy and bring you home. Was it all because of the extra folic acid I've been taking, is that why this new baby is not in the high risk category that you were placed in? I have been so emotional this past week, which I know is in part because of wanting these results to be good, but also because I have been feeling guilty in how I feel about them in regards to you. There has been this part of me that has defined this new babies life by what these results were going to tell me. I hate that. I feel like every time I share my fears about getting bad news again that I am making it sound like once I got those results my life and pregnancy with you went downhill from there. That so isn't true little buddy. I was sad, super upset even, about the results but I still loved you and wanted to do everything I could to help you have the best life possible. I hope you understand that.
I just love you and miss you so much.
Love, Mom

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


My Dr.'s nurse called today to tell me the results of my scan and bloodwork from last week. I thought I was shaky last Wednesday before that appt., but I think I am worse right now. My heart is going a hundred miles a minute, I am shaking, it's hard to breath, and I want to run around and jump up and down, but I am at work and somehow need to find a way to finish my day.

So here it is. According to my dr. there is no concern, no red flags, and that I shouldn't be worried at all. How do I even process this? I mean could I actually be carrying a healthy baby? Could this baby actually be healthy enough to make it to our c-section date and will I actually get to meet him/her, alive?  Ahhhh!

I mean I am happy to get good results, it's just so hard to process when all I knew from this point on with Liam was reasons to be concerned that my baby might never walk, have to be cathed, and most likely will have needed a shunt. I feel like I was more prepared to hear bad results than good. I have dealt with bad news and know more about dealing with that and grief and loss then I do about having a healthy baby.

I know there is still along road ahead and I still have the anatomy scan to get passed and Liam's passing, but holy crap, good news, is it possible?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

13 Weeks + 1 Day

Well I made it through the scan on Wednesday. Baby was being very complicated for the u/s tech so it took awhile for her to get her measurements, but so far so good I guess. She said everything is measuring perfect for the due date with the heartbeat trucking along at 154bpm. Results should be back in a week, so I am hoping by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

I also decided that if these results come back good then I'll start telling more people about this pregnancy, plus I am almost to my second trimester which seems to be a good time tell everyone anyway. Many of my friends have asked why I haven't told more people yet. The results of the nuchal scan really have been what's been holding me back. I wasn't really too concerned about a miscarriage, although I am aware it can happen to anyone, I've mainly just been concerned about my babes spine closing properly. I know that this test has false positives and doesn't give you a clear yes or no on your baby having a problem, just what your chances could be, but when someone asks me how this pregnancy is going I want to honestly be able to answer "GREAT!" I felt like I lied to a lot of people when I was pregnant with Liam because people sound so excited when your pregnant and want to know all the exciting details. I didn't want to sit and tell everyone that my baby might be sick and then when I found out definitely that he was tell everyone just how bad it was.

I don't know. I am have been talking about this damn nuchal scan and all my fears for so long people are probably sick of me repeating myself about it for the past 3 months. Good news is in order, now! Plus good results means maybe I can breathe easy, relax, and just enjoy this pregnancy, at least for the next month or so till I get the anatomy scan.

Found the heartbeat with my doppler finally. I thought maybe last week I had heard it, but it was so quiet I wasn't definite, but I used it the other day and the heartbeat was there loud and clear. So excited!

Had a crazy shopping for baby moment this week. I've always been excited to read to my kids one day before bed or whenever they want to hear a story, so when I went to both Barnes and Noble and Costco the other day and saw that they had a whole bunch of my childhood favorites on sale, I went a little crazy on buying books.

This past week I also had coffee with the friend I recently wrote about who is also pregnant, just a week behind me. I was nervous at first because of my crazy theory on friends being pregnant with me equals them getting to bring home there baby and me being empty handed again. It went really well though and I am so glad we got together. She new about Liam already so it wasn't like I had to explain myself about my crazy fears with her. She seemed to understand why I was feeling the way I was. She also shared some of her concerns with me, which in a way made me feel good knowing she had concerns and wasn't just going on about all the joyous things about being pregnant and bringing her baby home forever, because I honestly I just can't handle happy naive pregnant women yet. We also talked about how nice it will be that we live so close to one another with babies so close in age and how we can hopefully help each other when it comes to babysitting/daycare if needed. Great thought, just hope I'm not jumping the gun thinking that far ahead.

Here are some pics of baby this week. Happy to finally get an abdominal u/s to see baby in 4D!
Hey mom, I'm waving to you. Can't wait to meet you in another 23-24 weeks!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Shaky

I am shaking so bad today and its only 10am.

Is it because I am majorly lacking in sleep? I have slept like crap for the last four nights and I think the coffee is doing more harm than good.

Is it because my blood sugar is really really low? If that is it, nothing seems to help, and I've been eating everything in sight.

Or maybe its because today is my nuchal scan?

I thought for sure I'd be freaking out about it by now, but honestly my lack of sleep has caused major lack of energy to really care. And really there isn't too much I will find out today anyway unless they see a sign of down's on the u/s. And who knows when I am actually going to get the results back. Just hoping I'll know by my next Ob appt so I can discuss the results in depth with my dr. just incase there is any concern.

But seriously is it 3:15 yet?

Friday, November 4, 2011

12 Weeks Or 3 Months

Still feeling pretty good at this point, other than the occasional nausea.

I am loving the mood I have been in, which has still been fairly positive, with the mornings being the best part of my day. I get the most done at home and have been going into work with a smile. I also haven't had any major meltdowns for a couple of weeks now, which is awesome. Thinking the reason for a lot of that though is because my husband has been home, tend to feel better when he's around. Being alone with your crazy paranoid thoughts is no good. Really not wanting him to leave again for fear that worry and stress will hit as soon as he steps out the door. Not to mention, I am sure the bloodwork from the nuchal scan will come back right after leaves and I don't want to be alone when I get those results.

Speaking of which, you know how I said the other week that I am not too nervous yet about the nuchal scan but know I will be once it gets a little closer to it. Well, I am officially starting to get nervous for it, not freaking out, but on the nervous side. I don't even know how I will be able to handle the news if it comes back saying there is any chance of my babe having a NTD again, or even Down's. Or what if it tells me theres a problem but it turns out to be a false positive this time. Ahhh! I got through it last time I got the news, so I guess I will get through whatever the results are this time also. I just want my baby to be healthy. Fingers crossed.

I got the results from my bloodwork and pap from the other week back the other day, all good there. I figured that though.

Still haven't heard the heartbeat with my own doppler yet. I know its still early but getting ansy. If I can't find it by next week on my own I am gonna ask my dr. to help point me in the right direction.

At 3 months I still fit into my normal clothes, which I don't quite get how since I have put on at least 3-4lbs. already. I feel like I am always hungry and eating and the more nauseous I get, the more I tend to eat. I gained a lot with Liam right away for that same reason but never made it into maternity clothes either.

Still don't have much for cravings which also surprises me because with Liam it was clearly anything made from potatoes; chips, fries, mashed, or giant pretzels with cheese is what I wanted all the time.

Nuchal scan is Wednesday afternoon and my next Ob appt is set for the following Thursday.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween And 10 Months

Hey little buddy,

Tomorrow will mark 10 months since you were born and passed. That dreaded one whole year mark is really coming up quickly. The holiday season is upon us also, with Halloween being just a couple days ago. What I would I have dressed you in, I haven't a clue. Would it have been something scary like a little monster or something cute like a little pumpkin? I guess I never thought that far ahead.

Your father and I went out Saturday night to a friends Halloween party. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you. I think I was about 3 1/2 months along and barely showing, but everyone there new I was pregnant. This year I am pregnant again with your little bro or sis but very few people there new I was pregnant this time. Although I think I might have been showing a little more even though I was a week shy of 3 months along.

Last year there was another girl who was at the party and she and her husband were at the party this year also. I felt kind of rude that I didn't say more to her, actually I barely said anything beyond a simple hello to her. She was about 3 months farther along than me last year and was due in January. She now has a happy, healthy, little girl who was at the sitters that night so that they could go out. I overheard her talking to people about it and how they got her a costume and were going to be going out with her on Halloween. Jealousy set in a little bit there. I guess that's why I couldn't talk to her.

All in all though it was a good party. We had no plans for Halloween night, which was fine, and enjoyed laying around and watching movies instead. I will say how happy I am though that it finally decided to snow. I know snowing means its getting closer to winter and I've already been freezing for like the past couple of months, but snow means skiing which gives me something fun to look forward to. And when I say skiing I mean cross country skiing on flat trails, there will be no hills for this girl this winter. I was probably a little bit too daring with you buddy, but not anymore. Too nervous about falling these days.

Happy Halloween in heaven. I love you little buddy,
Love, Mom

Friday, October 28, 2011

11 Weeks

My full Ob check appt was originally scheduled for Thursday but I had to get it rescheduled to Monday. I was told that I wouldn't be able to get an u/s that day though because the room was booked already, but I refused to wait another week and a half to get in and see my dr., so Monday it was. It must have been my lucky day though because the room ended up being open. I had blood work, a pap, some other stuff done, and then Dereck and I got to see our little babe. He/she was hopping around, upside down like crazy, with its arms and legs moving all over making it hard for my dr. to get accurate measurements. What an incredible feeling it was to see so much movement going on from a baby that is only 3cm long. That still amazes me. My little babe has been measuring about a day behind but after Monday my dr. says it looks like he/she is measuring about 5 days ahead now. Woohoo!

I will be going in on November 8th to get the first screening, the nuchal scan, done. I am not too nervous at the moment about it but I know as time draws closer to it, especially right after it until I get the results, I will most likely be a nervous wreck. I got this done with Liam even though it was not recommended. Most people I knew never had it done and thought it was weird of me to have got it done. I was glad I got it though because it is was first told me that Liam had a 1 in 30 chance of having a neural tube defect. Even after hearing that though people told me not to panic because of false positives, etc, but 1 in 30 seemed like a pretty high chance to me. And I was right. Just crossing my fingers everything will come back perfect this time around.

I like to hang out upside down and kick my legs around.
It has been so nice to not feel all stressed out and panicky, so I hope this optimism and excitement I have had this past couple of weeks will continue. My next ob/ u/s appt with my dr will be on 17th. I will then be at about 14 weeks and starting my second trimester. I know its still early but time really does seem likes its moving along pretty quickly.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

How true that last line is...

Friday, October 21, 2011

10 Weeks

And I am getting super excited!

I know we still have a long way to go but this past week I have felt more and more optimistic. I have even been looking at some of the items that I wanted so badly to get for Liam and how I still want many of those same things for this baby, like a particular stroller carseat combo I had wanted. Also, last year many of my friends and I talked about how we were going to take Liam everywhere with us and just this past week I found myself discussing with a friend all of the things we were going to do once this baby is here.

I did have one freak out moment this past week though. It was on Monday night and occurred after reading a message from a friend. This friend, who I haven't talked to in awhile which I had heard a few weeks back was also pregnant. I wrote a post about that here. She told me that she was planning on going to a prenatal yoga class every Tuesday throughout her pregnancy and was wondering if I wanted to join her and then we could also catch up. I went into an instant panic state. I would love to catch up with her but the idea of being in a room filled with pregnant women scares the crap out of me. Some will be very pregnant, more pregnant than I have ever been, and I still a little envious of them. Some, if not all will ask how far along I am and I most likely will get asked the dreaded "is this your first baby" question. I know I am going to have to get used to that question especially once I show enough that its clearly obvious that I am pregnant, but not quite sure how to answer that yet. Talked to my counselor about it the other day and working on a solution.

My doppler arrived yesterday. Yes, I broke down and bought one. Hopefully I won't drive myself too crazy with it. Tried it out but either I just suck at finding the heartbeat or it is still too early.

My next dr. appt is on Monday to get my full Ob check. My appt was originally scheduled for Thursday in the u/s room, but my dr. decided to take that day off now. My options were Monday or wait until November, but choosing Monday meant no u/s because that room was already booked by the other providers. Crossing my fingers she will be able to pick up the heartbeat with her doppler. I haven't seen or heard my babies heartbeat in 2 1/2 weeks and getting anxious.

Dereck has got me thinking a lot about the sex of our baby. It's still early and I'll be happy either way but from the start Dereck has said we are having a girl. He had a dream awhile back about us having a little girl and is completely set on that. Now my friend called me earlier this week and told me she had a dream that they through a wedding reception for us since they didn't know us when we got married and that we had a little girl with us. Hmmm......

Speaking of weddings, Dereck and I had our third wedding anniversary on Tuesday Oct. 18th. Happy 3 years to us!

Dereck told me the other day that I should start reading again, and by that he means something nonbaby related, because all I have been doing lately in my tiredness is watching tv and reading my pregnancy books. I decided to go grab a book randomly off my bookshelf of a hundred books that I swear I will one day read. By the second page of the book I learn that one of the main characters is named Liam and he owns a bar called the Lamplighter. The Lamplighter is the name of this bar back in Minnesota that Dereck and I met at and hung out at all the time. Found this a little bit of a weird coincidence and thought I'd share.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with today, October 15th, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight is the Wave of Light Celebration in which between 7-8 pm in every time zone a lit candle will represent and honor all babies who have died.

Tonight I am lighting a candle for you Liam and also for all the other babies that are being remembered in our hearts.

I miss you Liam

Friday, October 14, 2011

9 Weeks

According to my pregnancy app. today my baby is now considered a fetus! Yay!

As I have said many times already and will say it again that I do have lots of excitement for this pregnancy, this baby. I know its still early but I just have been itching to do things and buy things for this baby already. I was the same with Liam also. So this week I decided to buy the infant sling for my Chariot. I am still just so excited to use that thing. I just keep telling myself that next summer it will finally get used, next summer.

So the excitement I had after hearing the heartbeat is still there, its just not quite like it was. I have had a lot of paranoia return, especially since I got a nasty cold this past weekend. Having this cold on top of already being tired and nauseous really wiped me out, but I was too paranoid too want to take anything for it. That's even after my dr. told me what I could take.

I decided on Monday that the paranoia and stress are really no good for my baby and maybe I needed to make an appt. with a counselor again. I was scared to see someone new after the last incident I had with that witch of a counselor though.

I had loved the counselor I saw after Liam first passed, but then after only a few months of seeing her she left the state. She said she was planning on returning sometime this fall, but wasn't quite sure when. I decided to call that counselors office just to see if they knew when she was coming back. I was so grateful when I was told she had just returned and that they could get me in the next day.

I went and saw her then on Tuesday morning and it went really well. As of right now I am also scheduled every Tuesday until the end of the year and I probably need to stick with it. Just talking to someone, even friends, really helps to lower my anxiety, which is what I need, for my babies sake at least.

Part of this paranoia is because I still can't seem to drop the idea that I have listeria. I had to call my dr.s office again on Monday because I was freaking about it. First there are things I am not supposed to consume because I am pregnant, then there was the canteloupe outbreak, and then now there was a romaine outbreak, and the romaine came from Alaska, ahhhh! I'm pretty sure I have eaten both of those items in the past month or so. I just keep getting told that I'm fine and that the chances are so slim, but I have been on the bad side of statistics, slim means theres a chance. Plus, one mother has already miscarriaged because of the romaine incident. So damn right I am freaking out about that.

I really, really, really, hope this counseling helps.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Remembering The Light

Last night I went to the Remembering the Light Ceremony here in Anchorage. This was for anyone who has lost any loved one no matter the age. Dereck was gone at work so a good friend of mine came along with me and another made a lantern for me to bring.
We made the lanterns and then we got to light them and float them on the water. I was nervous about ruining mine because I wanted to keep them so I placed mine on the ice and then my friend placed here's with the rest in the water. It was beautiful!

My lantern
Other side of lantern
Liz's lantern
Brooke's lantern
Other side of lantern
Brooke's other lantern

Friday, October 7, 2011

8 Weeks or 2 Months

I really have been in a great mood since hearing that heartbeat. Hearing that really did take a lot of my paranoia, stress, and worry away. This past week though the tiredness and nausea has really set in, but I say bring it on if that means my baby is still growing.

Another blm mentioned on her blog yesterday about how there are so many of us babyloss moms all due within weeks of each other. She mentioned how one of them already has had a miscarriage and as much as she doesn't want anything to happen to her baby she doesn't want anything to happen to anyone else's either. It seems as if everytime I hear another blm is pregnant those same thoughts run through my mind and I have talked to Dereck about that many times. The idea of being left behind again while everyone around me seems to have living healthy babies scares the crap out of me. I don't want to have it happen to me or to anyone else neither. I would like to believe that as a blm you are now immune to having another babyloss, but I know that is not true. I know it can happen anytime whether it be another stillbirth, miscarriage or even SIDS.
The reason I bring this up today is because I talked with a girl from my grief group yesterday. She was about two weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy. She asked how I was doing, which of course I responded with great because I just heard my babies heartbeat the other day. I then asked her how she was doing, but her news wasn't so great, horrible actually. She went on to inform that she has not been doing well because she has been in and out of the ER because on Friday she had a miscarriage.
Now today as I was trying to get caught up on blog posts I read that another babyloss mom just lost her rainbow baby today at 27 weeks and 5 days along. She already had lost her twins earlier this year and now this.
It just really isn't fair that this had to happen to them or to anyone.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Music To My Ears

I remember when I first got pregnant with Liam, I was so nervous. I was nervous about being pregnant(wanting to do all the right things and none of the wrong), having a baby with a birth defect(yes I am a worry wart and always thought I wasn't a strong enough person to handle a baby with one), and also just afraid I wasn't going to be a good mom.
I wasn't nearly as excited about the first appts. with Liam as I was for the one I had yesterday. I loved that little boy from the start of my pregnancy but I was just worried about all the things I listed above and then also my doctor telling me about the incidence of miscarriage in the first trimester. I am still nervous, but this time about my baby dying again. I know now I will be a great mom and would do anything for my baby, just like I did with Liam. I just hope I never have to make a decision like I did with him though. I also fell completely in love with being pregnant and so badly want to know what it is like to be further than 26 weeks along.
So yesterday I had that second u/s so that I could see the heartbeat since the last visit it was just a little too early. I was 7 weeks and 4 days yesterday and the baby was measuring at about 7 weeks and 3 days. I got to see the heartbeat but the best thing was that I also got to hear it. My Dr. said it was still early but we just might be able to. I had to lay very still and sure enough it was there, beating at a perfect 165 beats per minute. It was music to my ears. I was so excited and in the best mood the rest of the day. I felt like I wanted to give everyone I saw a huge hug. I was just so happy. I know we still have a long way to go, but hearing that for even just a moment, made everything better.
Now to wait three weeks until my next appt. to get a full checkup and blood work done.

I also waited until I was past week 12 with Liam to tell my boss I was pregnant, but today at not quite 8 weeks I decided to tell her about it. She figured I was since I left work quite a few times a few months earlier to get my follicle checks done, so she was well aware I was trying to get pregnant again. Also I work in radiation, and even though I am never exposed to any at the job I work at, I still felt it was important to get my fetal monitor sooner than later; just in case.

Monday, October 3, 2011

9 Months

Sweet Liam,

The day you passed away was a Monday and for a long time I would count the weeks go by as another Monday would come and go. It's been a long time since I looked at Mondays as another dreaded week gone by without you. Instead when the third of every month comes around I am fully aware that another month has gone by. Well today baby boy it is both the third of October and it is also a Monday. I really can't believe we are at 9 months, I'm sure I say that at that the start of every month though. You have now been gone for three-quarters of a year and as long as most people get to be pregnant for. Ugh!

I'm sure you are already aware that your momma is pregnant again and that you are going to be a big brother. I would've never thought I'd be pregnant again this soon and here I am, scared, nervous, paranoid, and also really excited. It seems since I have been pregnant I have spent most of the time thinking about this pregnancy, but this past weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I cried a lot. At one point watching tv I saw a son sitting by a gravestone talking to his deceased mother and instantly started crying for you and how I can't just go see your grave. Another time I went to the store to get a few things and saw babies and carseats everywhere and broke down again. Babies and carseats haven't really bothered me in awhile, outside of a little jealousy. I guess I'm just really missing you right now.

I also have to tell you this, although this might seem really crazy, but sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is me getting a second chance to be with you. I mean I know you are in heaven and that you're not coming back, no matter how much I pray and wish it would happen, but sometimes I think about that. I know this pregnancy is a new baby, a new life, and not you and I love this baby as much as I love you. I want and hope this baby grows big and strong, is healthy, and will get to come home with us, everything I wanted with you love, but it still hurts knowing that you no longer get that chance. I just want it so badly.

This month also has a couple of remembrance activities going on that I will be participating in. On the 12th I will be going to the Remembering the Light ceremony to remember loved ones who have passed away and then on Oct. 15th at 7pm I will be lighting a candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

There are so many other things I would love to say but for now I am going to go and am going to leave you with a few quotes that a couple of babyloss mommas wrote that I really love. I hope you love them also.

Love, Mom

Today should have been so different.
Just know that I am thinking about you,
Missing you,
Loving you,
Celebrating you,
This side of heaven.
-Franchesca Cox-

The sorrow I have from losing you
 does not overshadow the joy
 I have from being able to love you.
-Laura Richert-

Friday, September 30, 2011

7 Weeks

I found out that picture that I posted the other day on my blog is actually from 12 years ago, a few years before the fetal surgery study for spina bifida had even taken place. I am glad to hear it wasn't too graphic for some and that many of you thought it was as amazing as I do. If only my little guy could've been as lucky as that little boy was, and by that I mean live.

Alright onto pregnancy related news:
I knew that getting pregnant again wasn't going to make everything better. That it wasn't going to magically take away all my grief and pain and that I would instantly be in a constant happy state. I knew that, like grief, being pregnant again after a loss was going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been trying to convince myself that things will be okay and have been searching for that optimism again. I really thought I had found a little and then I had a few days with little things occuring that lead up to Tuesday. I was so fricken emotional I just wanted to cry all afternoon. I would say I had a little bit of a meltdown that day. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without something somehow causing harm to my baby. I know it must seem silly to some but I just couldn't push those thoughts from my mind. Luckily, I have some great friends that still let me whine when I really need to, poor them because its been so much this year.

So other than the paranoia I still have about everything, I have started thinking about the holidays. I looked ahead on the calender and sure enough my husband will be gone for work for Thanksgiving and then from just before Christmas through the second week of January. You got to be kidding me! I can't be alone for the holidays. I mean I have great friends and will most likely be celebrating Thanksgiving with them and usually if I am in town, the same for Christmas. This year is different though and I just want my husband around. How can I handle Christmas, New Years, and then January 3rd without him? Last year I went home for Chistmas, saw family, had a baby shower, and then spent the following week and a half in San Francisco. I spent New Years in San Francisco, played tourist for the week leading up to the surgery in San Francisco, planned how my life would be after the surgery living in San Francisco for 3 months, and then my world got flipped upside down when I lost my son. I have already taken so much time off at work this year with the fetal surgery, recovery, and then going home for the burial, so I don't think I can just take off to go back to Minnesota and see friends and family for 2 weeks to get me through that time. Too early to be spasing about this but I just know its going to be rough and need to find a way to have a little peace for the upcoming holidays.

I am even already counting down the weeks. I just keep thinking, thank god I am going to have a c-section about 3-4 weeks before my due date. Thinking that I will have my baby, granted all things go well, before the end of April makes me way happier than knowing I would have to wait till the middle of May for my due date. That's a lot of days of pregnancy craziness I won't have to endure, but seriously, saying I have 6 1/2 months left sounds way better than 7 1/2 months don't it.

So here I am, 7 weeks today and officially half way through my first trimester:) Yippee! I am still tired and having lots of nausea but still no real morning sickness I'd say. I have however reached that stage in my pregnancy where water tastes disgusting and I am having to force it down. I was like that with Liam also. With him I also hated the taste of vegetables, but haven't gotten to that point yet, if at all. I have my next Ob appt on Tuesday and will be 7 1/2 weeks and so excited to see my little one again. I just can't wait to see that flicker of a heartbeat this time. So excited, yes I did say that!


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Fetal Surgery Picture

My friend found this picture with the article below and posted it on Facebook today. I don't know how I have never seen this one, but it is so amazing. Sorry if its a bit to graphic for some.
A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year,"... or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the U.S. paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."

Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person" Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....and hey, pass it on! The world needs to see this one!
By: Sean Keeling

Monday, September 26, 2011

Wishing I Could Control My Thoughts Better

On Saturday night I met up with some friends at a local bar. I chatted with a friend for awhile about my pregnancy, some of my fears, and also on why I don't want to tell everyone I know quite yet about this pregnancy. My friend then informs me about how a mutual friend is also pregnant right now and is the same number of weeks as I am. I have no good reason for why hearing that brought tears to my eyes, but it did. I know plenty of babyloss moms right now that are pregnant and I am excited for them all, but yet hearing that this girl is pregnant really got to me. All I could think was, oh great, another friend that is pregnant at the same time as me, that last time I was pregnant at the same time as another friend, friends actually, she got to bring her happy, healthy baby home and I didn't. Such a shitty thought. I can't believe that it bothered me in that way. I even had to go to the bathroom and let out a short cry. So pathetic. Of course I am happy for her and want things to turn out. I guess I am just so afraid of things going bad again and having everyone around me keep getting pregnant so easily and have everything work out, while I sit here babyless. Guess I am not as optimistic as I thought.

On a whole other topic though, Dereck and I finished the closets in the nursery. That was the one thing we never touched when we remodeled the nursery this past spring. Now it is finished with tons of shelving and spots for hanging clothes. Now I just need stuff to hang up and place on the shelves and the baby.

Friday, September 23, 2011

6 Weeks

When I made my first appt/ u/s with my Ob dr. I knew I was scheduling it on the early side. The nurse even informed me that there was a chance that we might not even be able to see the heartbeat yet. I really wanted to see my baby though so I took the chance. Well yesterday was that appt and the nurse was correct, we were just a few days too early to detect the heartbeat. I kind of want to kick myself for scheduling so early knowing that chance, but I really needed this appt just to know anything I could about the status of my little one.

Today I am 6 weeks and yesterday at the appt. the yolk sac was measuring at about 5 weeks and a few days. Dr. said everything is growing right on schedule though which I was happy to hear. After the u/s we spent the remainder of the appt with her answering the gazillion and a half questions that I had.

You see I am a little paranoid as hell right now about everything. She has answered the majority of the questions I asked probably 5 times already between last pregnancy and again when I first started ttc again, but I needed to hear it one more time. Let's see, I was already pretty sure I had listeria-yes I am that paranoid. Dr. had to inform on just how low the risk is and that she has never seen anyone at her office get it. I had to once again double check on the safety of my face creams, make sure I am taking all of the proper vitamins, and how long I needed to stay on the prometrium for-which is until at least week 12. I also asked about getting the flu shot. I didn't get it with Liam because normally I never get sick and when I did get the shot 2 years in a row, both times right after I got sick. She said she always get sick when she gets it also but says she would still highly recommend me getting it because if I get the flu then I can't get on any of the meds to help me get better since I'm pregnant. I guess I'll get it then. I also asked about exercise policies again. I was very active with Liam. I jogged, cross country skied, hiked, and lifted weights. I haven't been too active this year but want to stay as active as I can. I know its still early in my pregnancy but the idea of a uterine rupture still scares the shit out of me, not to mention I am also a huge klutz which always worries me. I even once again brought up MTHFR to my dr. because it has been brought to my attention a few times in the past and it was once again brought to my attention by the fetal surgery babyloss mom I recently got in contact with. My Ob doesn't know to much about that but is going to ask one of the perinatologists about it and get back to me.

So I didn't get to hear the heartbeat but was happy to get all my questions answered. I know she knows that I am being super paranoid about everything, I know I am also, but she is really sweet and says she understands my reasoning for asking since I have gone through so much. The next appt. would normally be in 4 weeks but since the heartbeat was not there yet, and I need to hear that heartbeat, I am going back in 2 weeks. And you know for as nervous as I am, I actually feel pretty optimistic. I never thought I could feel that way at all this pregnancy and hear I am.

I had planned on writing all about that appt. as soon as I had gotten home from it. Once I got home though I was so exhausted that I laid around doing nothing all day and then finally gave in and went to bed early. In the past week since I had last wrote about this pregnancy I hadn't been feeling as tired as I did right at the beginning. It kind of worried me. Up until this appt tiredness was all I really had for symptoms and I feel like I needed something to let me know that I was still pregnant. It's not that I want to be nauseated or throwing up, but those are pretty good indicators that your still pregnant.

I also just want to add that:

I hope I don't offend anyone by writing about this pregnancy on my blog. This is part of my story and I want to keep it all together. I will continue to write about Liam also because he is my baby boy and I love and miss him dearly, but I would also like to write about his baby brother/sister, my rainbow, here also. I know I went through phases on and off this past year with reading blogs of babyloss moms that were pregnant again. Many times reading them gave me hope for the future that I would be pregnant again and finally get to bring a baby home. Other times I couldn't look at them at all because I was sad that I wasn't pregnant yet and wanted to be. That being said I also knew that they had once felt the same things that I was feeling, it's just hard.

I have told a select few family members and some of my closest friends about this pregnancy. I also know some other friends and family have read about it on my blog because they have sent me messages pertaining to it. I would appreciate it if anyone reads this they would please not share anything on Facebook or share the news with everyone they see.

I also just want to say how happy I am to see a few other babyloss mommas that got pregnant this month with me. I know of about 7 now. They all deserve this so much and I am so excited to have others to share this crazy, scary next step of the journey with.

Monday, September 19, 2011


The other day we had an AFLAC representative come into our work to talk to us about our plans and see if we want to make any changes. This was someone new as the girl we had worked with moved to Florida last year. When I had the fetal surgery with Liam and he passed away I had lots of paperwork to fill out for AFLAC, so I had to call her and tell her my sad story so I could figure out how to go about filling out all of the paperwork. This new guy, he knows nothing at all about me or Liam.
So I go in and sit down by him and he goes over my policies with me and asks me first about my hospitalization plan. I had taken this out the other year because I was planning on being pregnant and thought it would come in handy. Who knew I would need it to cover me for being in the hospital for the fetal surgery, not the intended use, but glad I had it. Anyway, so I tell him I still want the plan and he asks me if its for pregnancy purposes. I tell him yes and then he ask," do you have kids, want to have more kids, how many kids do you have?" Ugh, totally caught off guard and for the very first time ever without even thinking about it I say no. I felt so bad for Liam saying that after I was done talking to him. Not that I need to fill everyone in on his story, but just for the fact I didn't even pause, just sad no as fast as I could.
I didn't end up changing anything on my plan. I considered dropping my disability because I don't plan on returning to work after my next baby is born, but figured I better hold on to it just in case I get put on bed rest. I had gotten the disability mainly for maternity leave. I did end up using my disability for that reason also, just didn't have the baby to go with it.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

1 Month Or 4 Weeks And 6 Days

This is what is happening right now:

-My doctor called me back with the results of my second blood test today. She said my numbers are really high which makes her believe it is most likely a uterine pregnancy, thank god! She also told me congrats and not to worry because the stress isn't good.(easier said than done) I have my first appt. with her next Thursday. I will be almost 6 weeks then and excited to see my babies heartbeat.

-I'm still taking my prenatal, extra 3g of folic acid, and fish oil daily. I am also on some lovely prometrium pills that I have to insert in a place I never thought I'd have to insert a pill.

-I have been continuing to eat well, no junk food for this girl. I am still on my folic acid kick that I wrote about a few months back when I was first trying again. I am kind of getting sick of spinach and my total cereal but know they are full of folate and other nutrients that baby needs, and I am just really paranoid about that. I am also trying really hard to cut back on my caffeine/coffee addiction. The last month or so I have been only having one cup a day and am trying hard to have a cup only every other day now or go for decaf.

-I still have been pretty tired but that is okay with me as long as that baby is growing good. Never got sick with Liam and hope this baby takes it easy on me also. Although if it happens, I don't care, as long as this baby is healthy.

-Tonight is grief group and I have been considering telling everyone now or if we should just wait for awhile. Dereck wants to share the news tonight though, so I'm guessing we probably will. 

-I know first hand that pregnancy does not always guarantee a live healthy baby. I really want to shout it out to the world that I am pregnant again, but scared to tell everyone only to have to tell them later that my baby died, again. With Liam I waited until after the first trimester, the supposed miscarriage stage, but I know all to well now that you can lose a baby at anytime; 5 months, 9 months, the day after your due date, and many times with no explanation at all as to what happened. Part of me is scared to get to attached to this pregnancy also for the fear of losing it, but I also want to give this baby as much love as I can. I am trying to just breathe and relax because there isn't much I can do about anything right now but know it's going to be a crazy roller coaster of a ride.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It's Official

My Ob called me this morning with the results of my blood work and I am indeed pregnant! The amount of emotions running through my head right now are crazy. I am happy, excited, scared, and nervous all at once. But as nervous and scared as I am, I am just so glad to be starting that next step of the journey. I am also so happy that we tried so hard to get pregnant right away and thankful my doctor was so helpful in upping my Clomid and doing whatever else she felt was needed to help me get pregnant.

My awesome husband must be super excited also because he went out and bought the dresser/changing table combo that I wanted already. I love him!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Scared Of The False Positive

So today is day 16. Day 16 that is from when I took my HCG injection. My Ob Dr told me to wait at least 14 days after the inj. to take a pregnancy test because anytime sooner has a higher chance of giving you a false positive. I was fooled once before because I once took a pregnacy test on day 11, because I was really anxious and couldn't wait, and then got disappointed when it was positive then only to turn negative on day 14 with my period to follow.
So being past day 14 I took a test today. The big fat positive showed up right away and I immediately ran upstairs to go show Dereck. I'm so afraid of the false positive happening again though. I decided to google "when to take a pregnancy test after an HCG inj." to see what was said about it since my Dr.'s office isn't open. Three different websites confirmed that usually you are fine by day 14 but that sometimes it takes up to 20 days for it to be out of your body. Eeeeeek!!!
I also have been really tired the last 4 days. I have been going to bed by 9, which is very rare for me except for when I pregnant last time, and have been sleeping about 10 hours and still tired all day. I have had a few other symptoms also but I feel like it's too early to be getting pregnancy symptoms. Plus, I was just on vacation and could be exhausted from that, or just sick. I just want so badly to be pregnant again, I waited the 14 days, could I actually be pregnant? Guess I just have to wait a few more days and test again, unless my period decides to come first.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Liam's Cross

I love it when I have great things to share like my recent baby loss phone calls and the awesome Facebook comment versus me complaining about whatever has errked me on any given day.

This is what has me smiling right now:

I finally finished Liam's cross. This was the same bamboo cross that was at both Liam's funeral and burial. It had red and white fresh cut flowers placed on it at the funeral and then yellow, orange, white, and purple fresh cut flowers placed on it at the burial. I really liked the spring flowers that were used for the burial so I went with those same colors to create one similar made with silk flowers. It is now hanging at the end of our upstairs hall next to Liam's nursery for all to see.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

8 Months

Sweet Liam,

I am a little behind on writing you since I went on vacation to Reno with some of dad's family; your great-grandma, 2 great-aunts, great uncle, and your uncle(dad's brother). I am back home now and want to tell you all about it. It was a nice getaway and I was so happy to get some sun, although I got a little bit too much. I thought a lot about how if you were here we would have had 4 generations vacationing together. I thought about you so much as always. I still feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without wondering what it would be like if you were here. Would we have even been able to go on this trip?

The weekend started out kind of rocky for me as my eye was in so much pain. I even had to wear a patch on it on the plane so it wouldn't dry out more. Then on the second flight I got on flying into Reno I had the joy of having a father sit next to me on the plane with his baby in his lap. I had to just ask why, why me. The baby was a girl, which is better than if she were a boy, but it just made me wish you were there on my lap also. On the flight home then I had a baby sitting right behind me that would scream on and off the whole flight. I used to be that person that got so annoyed on flights when a baby would scream, not that its the parents or babies fault, but now I am just jealous on how it was my turn to be flying with my baby. I guess the good news is that seeing babies don't tend to cause me to breakdown anymore, its just all about jealousy now.

The first day there we went to Virginia city. We went into this historic church there that had tons of candle holders out where you could buy a candle, place it in the holder, and light it. This was the first time I had been in a church since February. One of your great-aunts asked if I had got one, which I hadn't, and so she gave me one to light. I felt like a bad Catholic girl because I didn't know what the candles were being lit for. She told me and as soon as she gave me the candle my eyes filled with tears for you. I decided to light one for you in the section with St. Anthony for something lost. Then after we left there I told her thank you for giving me the candle and how it made me feel to light that for you. She then told me that she had lit a candle for me also in the Hope section, that also made me tear up.

That first night we went down to the hotel pool. Your other great aunt asked me if you were to have been here if I would have had you in the pool with me. Darn right I would have. It is so nice when people bring you up. I guess that's why I love this side of your dad's family, they are all just so caring and supportive, and have so much love for you also.

On day 2 we went to Lake Tahoe. It was gorgeous there and I fell in love with its beauty instantly. I found a spot on the beach to write your name in the sand, although the waves were coming in so quickly that everything kept getting washed away before I could write your name better and get a good picture. I also wrote a message to dad since he couldn't make it on this trip. I had to include you both somehow.

So it has now been 8 months without you love. Where has the time gone? I just miss you and love you so much, but just know that even though time keeps going by, those are the two things that will never change.

I Love you Liam,

Thursday, September 1, 2011

BLS Recertification Class & Flex 2nd Denial Letter

Last night I had my Basic Life Support re-certification class. I first took this class when I went to school for Radiography because I needed it for my internships. I have gotten recertified every 2 years ever since. My job does not require me to have it but I feel like it is very valuable to know.
So where I was going with this is that my main concern for this class was to keep my cert. up, know what to do in case I am ever faced with a person who is choking or having cardiac arrest, and also to make sure I can save my families lives because I'll be damned if my child dies because I had no idea what to do. I have never actually had to give someone CPR or the Heimlich before and I hope I never have to, especially if it is on a baby, especially my own baby.
Now when I went into class last night all I kept thinking about was how the hell I was going to give rescue breaths to my mannequin when half my mouth doesn't work. Yes, I am going to mention my Bells' Palsy again because it is really getting in the way. I had to explain to my instructor about how I can't do the breaths properly because I have Bell's Palsy, and that is why you can't see the mannequins chest rise, not because I don't know what the hell I am doing. Ridiculous I tell you.
So that was my concern going into class. That was until we got to the point in the class where the instructor brought out the baby mannequins. Now I didn't cry or get super emotional, after all they are just mannequins, but as the instructor talked about performing CPR on babies and then us actually practicing on our babies all I could think about was Liam, that this is what Liam went through. Well sort of, he of course was in a hospital, with surgeons all around, getting intubated and using whatever else it took to try and get his heart started.

Also, today in the mail I finally heard back from my insurance company about my 2nd appeal letter for my flex spending account.  I wrote back in June about how they denied my first appeal letter stating the same thing as they did when they originally denied the claim back in April. Both times they have said that I have 90 days from the start of a new year to get my paperwork submitted on time, and I missed it, and so it is denied. GRRR! I understand that but I have a really good reason that I missed the deadline! It is like they didn't even read my 2nd appeal letter because the denial letter was exactly the same as the last one, stating the exact same thing. GRRRR! I poured my heart and soul into that letter hoping for some sympathy, letting them know that my child died, and they didn't seem to care. It almost makes me more mad though that they even gave me the option to appeal it, because that got my hopes up thinking that there was a chance, when really there wasn't. Damn it!

I am so happy I have grief group tonight, I really need it!
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