Friday, March 30, 2012

33 Weeks, 28 Days To Go!

At my Ob appt. on Wednesday we discussed setting my c-section date, finally. My present Ob Dr. wants to do it at exactly 37 weeks, which is exactly 4 weeks from now. That's less than a month, holy crap! I've been waiting for what seems like forever to get to this point and its finally less than a month away.

So tentatively we now have a date that baby girl will be here, but I guess it could still change. I mentioned this before that we are waiting to see if my normal Ob Dr. will be able to do my surgery or not since she has been out for her own medical leave, so that could cause my c-section date to change, but only by a matter of a few days, and who's counting anyways. Oh that's right, I am, 28 days!!!! I will be able to see her at my next Ob appt in two weeks and find out for sure.

That night after my Ob appt I had a dream about baby girl. First dream I have had about her. Maybe it was hearing the dr. set a c-section date made things seem even more real. Who knows. I have always had pretty vivid dreams, most often bad ones, but the crazy thing about most of them is how in my sleep somehow I can change the endings to my dreams. It's like a book where you can chose your own ending, if I don't like one ending I can go back and change it. It isn't always the case that my dream replays and everything turns out great that time around but it turns out different, sometimes for the better and sometimes worse. I don't really have control over this, it just happens a lot.

The first part of my dream started out with me heading to the hospital for my c-section. I was put in a dark room and was completely put under. I woke up sometime later, the room still pretty dark, no Dr. or anyone else in sight, and I had about 5 different scars across my stomach, and I no longer had a baby bump. Apparently in my dream I had lost the baby. That one really sucked!

Second part to that dream I was back heading to the hospital. Most of the details I don't recall but baby girl was born alive and healthy. I was so excited. She didn't even need the NICU and they let us both go home the next day. Strange part about it is that when we left we had this old, junky, plastic carseat to put her in and the vehicle we had was this old, crappy, little car that somehow we piled like six people in. Why and who they all were, I don't know. Then instead of going home we went to a bar, went shopping, and a few other places I don't recall and I was getting so mad because all I wanted to do was breastfeed my newborn baby. It was then going on like day two of having her and she hadn't eaten yet and I was freaking out because I couldn't figure out how to get her to eat and we wouldn't stop moving for long enough for me to work on it. Might have been a few more details I don't recall but more less then the dream was over.

Better ending because she was alive and healthy but not sure what the rest of all that was about.

Friday, March 23, 2012

32 Weeks or 8 Months

5 Weeks and counting!

I could tell in the past couple weeks that baby girl had to have moved from breech to down facing because of the high kicks near my ribs I was getting. It's all together not that important since I am having a c-section but it was nice knowing that if I wasn't planning that, things were going in the right direction.

31 weeks
 You can see from my 28 week photo compared to my 31 week photo that I have gotten significantly bigger and she's finally sitting higher versus hanging out in my pelvis like she used to always do. Must mean she's growing, right? (I decided not to include todays's 32 week photo, wasn't too fond of it.)   
At my last Perinatologist appt. she was in the 18th percentile and I was worried it was going to go down again. Can't help those thoughts that's just how my blm brain works. At my appt. on Wednesday she actually moved up to the 28th percentile and weighs approx. 3lbs. 13ounces, almost 4 lb.s. Hearing that made me one happy momma.

Even though nothing serious has actually ever came up at any of these appts I have always left feeling worried because of random little things that have been said that could or could not pose a risk, but when I left that appt. on Wednesday I felt great!

She was hiccuping a lot at this appt and I loved that I could see her hiccuping on the u/s. Here are some photos from my Perinatologist appt. on Wednesday. I just love seeing that sweet face. Too bad I have to wait 4 weeks to see it again, but then a week or so after that she will be here. Woohoo!
I had to include this one because I love that she already has so much hair, just like her brother did.
Got Liam's scrapbook stuff back out again, still trying to get it finished before baby girl arrives.
I have been nesting like crazy, actually for the past month or so already.
I have had the car seat in for over a week now. Hoping to get my dogs used to the fact that the entire back of the Jeep is no longer all theirs.
Met with another Pediatrician. A friend referred this dr. to me since she is doing her nurse practitioner intern with him and really likes him. It is a husband and wife run practice and I love the way they run things. I was also able to talk comfortably to them about Liam and how its important for me to find a dr. that understands what I have been through and that I might be a little neurotic at first.

Friday, March 16, 2012

31 Weeks, Only 6 More to Go!

I had my baby shower last Sunday and it went GREAT! I was kind of worried the week prior, just afraid I would start crying and get all emotional in front of everyone I guess, even though I know they would all understand. I was happy that baby girl got so many awesome gifts; books, toys, jumper, bouncer, and clothes that she will look adorable in. Most of all though I was just so happy that so many of my friends were able to make it that have been there for me through everything since losing Liam. It really made for a perfect day.

Met with my Ob on Tuesday for another 2 week check up. Just talked about a few of the things that were discussed at my last perinatologist appt. I really wish we could set my c-section date already, hopefully in two weeks at the next one.

Dereck and I met with a pediatrician on Thursday. Didn't really have any questions for her prepared, wasn't even really sure what to ask. The only thing I really care about is that she is healthy and that she knows that I might be a little crazy if there are problems. It was nice though that she went over how things will work once the c-section is done. I really like knowing that if she is fine she will get to go with Dereck immediately until I am out of surgery and then I get to be with her. I really just want one of us to be with her at all times. We both agree that we like the practice and the Dr. that we met with so not sure if we will go out and visit other practices or not.

I am not complaining here but I swear that once I hit the third trimester, especially this past week, everything seemed to change pregnancy wise. Part of me feels like I am losing my mind a little. I blame hormones. The pregnancy brain has gotten horrible, I can't seem to remember anything lately. I am also normally a cold person but I keep having these random hot flashes that at times have left me sweating, like gross sweating. Driving on bumpy roads seem to make me nauseous and I am not one to get car sick. I never get charlie horses and have had a couple now that have woken me up at night almost screaming in pain. And my emotions are all over the place. I even started having like a mini panic attack yesterday over buying scrub pants. It seems like in the matter of a week and a half I went from being able to wear most of my nonpregnant clothes, especially my work scrub pants to having everything be super tight and uncomfortable. It seemed like a crisis at the time, I even cried for a moment, but I found a pair that fit perfect, then bought a smoothie, and I was fine and dandy again. So like I said not complaining its just that I have heard people talk about so many of these things happening to them throughout there pregnancy and all at once it seems like the hormones have taken me over. But hey as of today there is only 6 weeks left until 37 weeks. It is getting so close. I am so ready to meet you baby girl.

Below are some pics I got at a keepsake u/s I had the other week. Some friends bought me one for my birthday and when I went in to use it at the u/s place they were in the process of training there techs in on a new machine that does all this cool 4D stuff, so that is why the pics are all different shades.

She yawned through the entire u/s and wouldn't cooperate. I think she was trying to tell me that I hadn't had my daily cup of coffee yet and she needed that before anything else could happen.

Monday, March 5, 2012


It started with my counseling appt. last Tuesday. I left upset, again. It's not that she said anything that ticked me off, its just sometimes I go into these appts. in a good mood and hate it when I leave crying and upset. The crying is because we have talked about Liam and I just cry a lot when we talk about him. I just don't think its good to leave feeling worse then before I went in. I called today and cancelled my appt. for tomorrow. I hate to stop going because I feel there is a lot of good that comes out of me going but maybe I just need a break from it for a week or two.

Thursday I had my appt. with the Perinatologist that I mentioned the other day that got me on the worried side.

Friday night I went to my breastfeeding class. I got a lot of good information from it, and glad I went, but felt like such a failure all at the same time. I was a little nervous going into it since I still seem to have a hard time around other pregnant women and wasn't sure how I'd handle it. I was so shaky at the beginning and even started sweating from nervousness.
We went around the room and introduced ourselves, which I guess I did okay with. It was short and sweet and about all I could get out, "My name is Becky and I want to learn some tips on breastfeeding and baby will be here in about 8 weeks."
When that was over the instructor put in a video about how mdicated vs. unmedicated births vs. having a c-section affects newborns and suckling. I could not handle it at all. The tears started running down my face as soon as I saw that little baby being placed on its mommas chest and how quickly he/she started searching for the boob. As the video went on and on the tears came more and more and I just had to turn toward Dereck and not watch. I also didn't want anyone else to see my crying. All I could think about is Liam and all I missed out on with him.
After the video questions were asked about milk coming in and what not and I thought more about Liam and what it felt like to have your milk come in but not having a baby to feed. Instead you suffer with the pain of not only the loss of your baby but also the fact your boobs hurt and are leaking.
About an hour into the class I started calming down a little but I felt like such a failure, glad this is the only class I planned on taking.

We came home Friday night to realize our house is leaking more in a new area in the garage, so on Saturday we had to rip up the rest of the flooring in the nursery and spare bedroom and now everything from those rooms that I didn't put in our bedroom is now in our dining room area. Our house is a disaster and it is all just stressing me out. I am trying to have a good head about things and keep telling myself it could be worse, that the only thing that matters is that baby girl is healthy, but it is really wearing on me. Saturday night I went to a dinner with a friend and then went to the movie The Vow. As I said I have been nonstop emotional and by the time I got to the car after the movie I bawled my eyes out the whole way home.

After this past week I am starting to get nervous about my baby shower now for fear I will just start crying in the middle of it. Granted these people know me and know my story but sometimes I wish I could just shut off my emotions.

Friday, March 2, 2012

29 Weeks

At my Ob appt. on Wednesday I learned that my glucose levels were good and the same goes for not being anemic. I also really want to know the exact day of the c-section but he says maybe by the end of the month we will set that up. Otherwise quick/simple Ob appt.

Yesterday I met with my Perinatologist and I am really starting to think that these extra u/s might end up doing more harm than good. I mean I like getting to see my little girl again but everytime I hear even the slightest thing about something that could or could not pose a problem I go right back into that paranoid/nervous state.
At the last appt., 1 month ago, I was told she had a small head compared to her body and was measuring in the 32nd percentile. I was worried for a few days over that but after a few comments from other moms about there babies being on the lower end of the growth range through out there pregnancies with no issues I felt better.
At this appt. baby girls head is finally meausring on track with the rest of her body but now she moved down to the 18th percentile. I started freaking out, why did she go down?
My Dr. said she is pretty sure there isn't a problem but wants to just keep an eye on it though to make sure she isn't having any growth restriction problems, which she would look into if she falls into the 10th percentile. So instead of going back in 4 weeks she wants to check her growth again in 3 weeks. I of course have to ask what the reasons would be that can cause a growth restriction problem, probably shouldn't have, but I know I would've googled it later anyway if I didn't ask right then. Baby has a virus, placenta isn't supplying proper nutrition, chromosome problem, a few others I can't remember, or it could just be that I have small babies but we can't compare her to Liam because he had a birth defect and also died before he got this far.
So like I said, sometimes I think getting these extra u/s a putting more worry in me than needed. Most people don't get this many u/s and there babies turn out fine. And if the dr. is right and she is just a really small baby then here I just added more unnecessary worry.
Anyway, I am better today but can't wait for that next appt.

Approx. 8 weeks left!

Tonight I also have my breastfeeding class. Holy crap! I have to be in a room full of other expecting moms, happy and excited expecting moms that is. Just a little nervous about this also. Hopefully the questions will be kept to a minimum.

Here are some pictures from the u/s. She sure does love having her hands and feet up by her face. I also can't believe how much she has changed in just a month, and what a cutie!

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