May- Part 4: The Emotional Rollercoaster Continues on

When will it end. Emotionally this is one of the hardest months I have had in a long time. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm emotionless. I'm overly emotional. Life is great. I want to get hit by a bus or jump off a cliff.  I'm grateful. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm tired. I've had enough. I need Xanax, cuz I think I am losing my mind.

Question for all you mommas out there who now have your babies. Does the jealousy ever end? Does it ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle listening to anyone talk about pregnancy stuff? Or will I always just sit there cringing and hoping they stop talking about it sooner than later?

This past weekend was nonstop babies and baby talk and it was killing me. I hate looking like the uncaring jerk who ignores all conversation when baby stuff comes up, but I want no part of it. It sucks. I hate being like this, but it really is all I can do to keep it together.

My triathalon was on Sunday. I finished and I made my goal, but man compared to most people doing it, I got schooled, and did not do well for my age group. But at least I tried, right?

This being a huge event, there was of course tons of families there, and like most large gatherings like this, I really started to lose it. The night before the race we had to drop our bikes off and all of our gear. I could not believe the amount of moms hauling their bikes in with their babies in their carriers. There was also a bunch of other moms with their daughters pushing their bikes in together. Seeing all of this brought tears to my eyes instantly. All I could think about was how if Evelynn or Liam were here they could be at the finish line with their dad cheering me on like all the other families. Then I thought about how in 7 more years, Evelynn would be 8, and if she wanted she could do this triathalon with me, but now I may never get the chance to ever do any of the mother daughter events:(. There are definitely lots of events that Max and I could do together as well, but their are so many women only events that I fear I will never get to share with a daughter. My daughter who is supposed to be here and I am so mad right now.

I went to my car after dropping everything off and I cried, and cried, and cried the whole drive over to the work gathering I needed to go to after.

Then their was race day and all the families and moms and daughters, but there were also women there who were pregnant. I seriously wanted to slap all of those women and yell at them and say, "what the hell is wrong with you?" There was a lady there doing it who was 9 months pregnant, huge. Maybe I am just more concerned because of what I have been through, but all I could think about is how could any doctor approve of her or any of them doing this. I get it, you're in fabulous shape, BUT all it takes is for you to lose your balance and fall and land on that belly. I could picture one of them going down and that uterus rupturing. Maybe its just me, but why would you put your babies life at risk like that. I guess I am just an overparanoid freak now about these things.

It also all just made me wonder if I would have done this had Evelynn lived, even Liam. I had a friend do it with me who had her baby shortly after I had Evelynn, not to mention there were tons of other women there with pretty young babies. I had wanted to do this tri for the past couples years, but having just lost both my children right before, it didn't seem too appealing. I'd like to think I would've done it had any of my babies lived, but I'll never know this since it hasn't happened yet. I really hope that Max and Dereck will be there at the finish line next year if I decide to do it again.

For tonight now I am going to meet up with my grief group lady, again. I have been talking with her a lot this month as my mental health is not doing so well.

May- Part 3: The 16th, A Day I Will Never Forget

May 16th, will forever be a sad day for me. This day, exactly one year apart from one another, we buried Liam and then Evelynn on.

Since I never got around to posting pictures of Evelynn's burial, and the 16th weighed heavy on my heart, I feel that this would be the perfect time to do it.

Evelynn's Burial-May 16, 2012

Here is the wreath that I tried to replicate. So beautiful!

My beautiful little princess.

Right next to her brother.

The flowers I planted at the cemetery for them.

A Perfect Burial For A Perfect Baby Girl.

I sure do miss them both though.

May- Part 2: The day after Mothers Day. A Day Worth Remembering

I wasn't going to write about Mother's Day this year as I really felt I had nothing new to say about that day that was different than what I've said the past 2 years since Liam passed. I hate the day. I am jealous of everyone who has their children in their arms. All the cards and pictures of Mothers day stuff posted all over facebook from happy mothers made me cry.  However, I am forever grateful for all the people that thought about me that day, the ones that remembered and recognized that I am a mom and through that showed me that they remembered my babies, and that really is the greatest gift anyone can give me.

Here's a fun little story about my mothers day 2013.

As many of you know, or have read, I have been having a pretty hard time lately. I woke up that morning and was happy to have seen the comments from people who emailed, texted, messaged, and so forth that let me know I was thought of that day, but for the most part I just tried go about my day as normal. I stayed occupied most of the day with doing a run through of my triathlon that is this coming weekend, went rock climbing, and started to get my garden stuff organzied. I have some serious garden fever going on.

Then that night happened and my dog got super sick, as in projectile diarrhea all over my Jeep and in the house on the floors, stairs, and walls. Cleaning that up was not what I wanted to do. Happy Mothers to me! I decided to just do a quick clean and figured I would do a better job after work on Monday, but I just couldn't handle that right now.

After work on Monday I was dreading what my evening was going to entail. I got the Jeep cleaned, somewhat, but it will be getting detailed next week because it really was everywhere. Then I figured that since I had already been cleaning crap, literally, I might as well finish cleaning the backyard up of the winters worth of dog poo-which needed to be done nonetheless. As I scooped the poop I cussed and bawled my eyes out the whole time about how I hated my stupid life. I was being very over dramatic about it, but it had already not been a good week for me.

Then I went and got the mail. This is the point everything changed for me and made for another very awesome, minus the not having your baby here, just a day belated mothers day.

First, I got this in the mail from Jessica along with all of the u/s pics that had been done so far of Max. I cried some more at how thoughtful that was of her.

Then I decided to rake the front yard, unknowing that my FABULOUS friend Liz and her husband had been circling my neighborhood waiting for me to go inside so they could drop off this beautiful planter for me in memory of Evelynn.

In Loving Memory of Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen. The Sorrow of Losing You Does Not Overshadow the Joy of Being Able to Love you!

Remember this bench? The beautiful bench that my amazing Alaskan family gave me for Mothers 2011 after Liam passed. You can read more about that here if you would like to know about that. 

The doorbell had rang and there was a note on my doorstep that had told me to look in my backyard. I don't have the note on me as I type this, but it pretty much said that they wished I had my baby here instead of a planter, but they just wanted to let me know that they were thinking of me. And of course signed from your Alaskan family.

So I cried, and cried, and cried some more and all my worries and stress just kind of went away as I thought about the amazing people I have in my life. They go above and beyond to let me know they are here for me, remembering my babies, and want more than anything for me to finally bring a baby home.

It was definitely a day worth remembering.

May- Part 1: My Anger

I had started this post quite a few days ago because I had still just been so angry and really needed a place to vent. I feel that their will always be this part of me that will always have a hard time from April 22nd(Evelynn's birthday through about May 16th(The day we buried Liam and Evelynn on, one year apart from one another). May had not started out well for me, although a lot has changed since I first started this post, and it seems to be slowly getting better.

Here a few of the bigger things that I let get to me.

-One of the first things that really got to me were a few comments from people that read my blog and felt the need to criticize me for "what my son is going to think if he ever reads my blog about how I cried and was disappointed when I found out he was a boy."

Let me clarify. Yes, I did want another girl. I have always wanted a daughter, not to mention I just lost my daughter. I also wanted another boy after I lost Liam. Doesn't mean I don't love any of my children any more or less. Plus, you can't honestly tell me I am the first person who has ever felt a little disappointed-the only difference is their children probably all have lived and they have never had to truly no what it's like to grieve that loss. Plus, I beat myself up enough about this already. I don't need more reasons to get angry and down on myself.

-Then their is the people that feel the need to tell me I shouldn't bother with trying to breastfeed my son when he is born. That it is a lot of work and time to bring my milk back and I have enough stressing me out, so why add another thing. That I should just be happy he is alive and quit trying to doing everything.

Well people you all piss me off. I have lost so much already when it comes to having a baby I want at least this one thing. Yes, the important thing is that he is healthy, but if you know anything at all about breastfeeding you would know that breastmilk is one of the healthiest things you can give your baby, and if I can give my baby the best, I want to do it. Then their is that unbelievable bond that grows between you and your child when you breastfeed them. I want to do as much as I can for my children.

-I think my favorite is the people that feel the need to complain to me about being pregnant, some even before they are pregnant!

Okay, seriously think, think, think, think, think about it! Do you really think I am someone who wants to listen to somebody else complain about morning sickness. If that is your only issue, I am beyond jealous. How about hearing your baby has a birth defect and then get fetal surgery only to learn that he died. Or go through a pregnancy grieving one child while fearing the day your uterus will rupture or something else goes wrong, only to have that child die in the end as well. Ugh! I think one of my favorites next to that is people telling me they are scared of labor. I would love to be able to have a baby vaginally. Painful, probably, but I'll never know. You know what I do know though? Pain and lots of lots of sadness. And I'll tell you the emotional is a thousand times worse than the physical. If I am lucky I may be able to deliver a healthy baby via c-section one day, but venturing down that road again, well that is something to be frightened about. And plus, I seriously don't even like hearing happy news. A friend, not a super close one, but a friend, just had her baby the other day. Am I happy for her, yes. Did I bawl my eyes out when I heard the news, yes. Did I still send her a "congrats",  yes. Do I want to go visit her and the baby, no. I am glad I am not hearing more sad news, but I am still super jealous of all these people.

-I get a lot of people that ask how I handle it being so far away from Jessica, which is fine. I don't mind talking about the prengancy and how things are going with it. What gets me though is the people that don't understand why I would want to get back to MN/ND to be closer to Jessica the last weeks of pregnancy versus just waiting until I hear they think the baby will be coming soon.

Honestly I kind of like it that we are so separated by distance. Pregnancy stresses me out and sometimes the not knowing is the best thing. Plus, Jessica is amazing in that she tells me when their is something I need to know and answers my questions when I am worried and need to know things are okay.The whole out of sight, out of mind thing is really good for me right now. Saying that though, you also have to remember that I lost my daughter at 36 weeks and 2 day. I can't say for sure how I am going to feel as time draws closer to that week of pregnancy, but I can tell you I don't think sitting at home and trying to get through my normal day to day activities is going to work for me. Nothing is set yet but right now we are thinking I would go back to the MN/ND about 34 weeks. I don't plan to be all annoying and breathing down her neck every minute of every day in those last weeks, but Alaska isn't a quick or cheap flight if something happens, and I don't want to miss it. I know that many that mention these types of things to me don't understand it because they are the ones that haven't experienced what I have. They don't know babyloss and they surely don't know what it's like to have someone else carry your baby.They are the ones that think pregnancy is so easy and there is nothing to worry about and yaddi yaddi yaddi, but that is not how I see it. No way am I gonna sit around waiting for a call and then try to pick up and leave last minute.

-Here is the BIG ONE, the one that has really bothered me. This one all revolves my anger and blame with how we were treated the night my uterus ruptured.

    
I blamed myself for what happened with Liam for a long time. Slowly overtime I have become more at peace with it. With Evelynn I still struggle with the blame game. I blamed myself for a long time, but lately more so at the hospital. I have been sharing my story more and more with people, and it seems the more I share it, the more I hear people ask me if we went after the hospital for making us wait. I was definitely mad at triage, still am, when I first called when I started having those horrible abdominal pains. I was told to call them first before ever going in, but got told by the person who answered that they were too busy and that they would call me back. I kick myself still that if I should've just left immediately for the hospital verses sitting around waiting for that call, which by the way came sometime after we were already at that hospital. Wouldn't the right thing to have been to have just told me to go straight to the hospital? Then there is when we arrived at the hospital and got to triage. I am in a wheelchair, barely able to sit up, telling them I am in a lot of pain, but get told that they are busy right now and I need to wait. I don't know what it is normally like in triage, as I had never been there before, but assumed if someone came in in horrible pain they would get put ahead. But maybe lots of women come in complaining about horrible pains and it is normally nothing. It wasn't until I thought my water broke, which was actually blood from my uterus rupturing, for them to be like "oh, we better get you back to a room." Things moved fast from their and a lot of it I don't remember, but I do I remember being in so much as they were trying to rip my clothes off me and at the same time get an u/s. They were telling me that they can't find a heartbeat, then finally deciding they better call an Ob dr., and yet still talking about just making me have a vaginal delivery, even after we told them that I am never supposed to go into labor, let alone have a regular delivery. I don't know if this is considered negligence on the staff's behalf but I have been thinking about all of this so much lately and it has only added to my anger. It's the what if's.

I know of numerous people in my uterine rupture group who have filed lawsuits against the hospitals after they had their ruptures. I have never beenthe "sue happy type". I work in the medical field and understand that we are all only human, and humans make mistakes, even doctors sometimes. In my case I think the surgeon did a great job. When the she finally showed up they got Evelynn out immediately, I lost very little blood, and she savedmy uterus. My issues are with the staff though. I guess I just feel that they didn't act as promptly as they should've. Am I wrong to be this stressed and angry at the hospital staff. I don't think they were purposefully trying to ignore my concerns, but I also get super nervous thinking about future pregnancies, if that were to ever happen with me, or even other women that come in(or try to call) and have serious issues going on, and get told to just wait. I looked into lawyers right away, just thinking even talking to someone about what happened to see what they have to say about it, but haven't actually talked to anyone yet. As I said above I am actually started to feel better and my anger has for the most part subsided for now, so I feel like maybe I should jsut leave it alone. I don't know. I am even going in for my yearly with my Ob at the beginning of June and thinking I may bring up my concerns with her.

-Most of all I am annoyed with myself.

Annoyed that I let so much of these comments and my anger run my life. I let everything get to me. I wish I could just learn to let things be, but when it comes to my babies and loss, it doesn't come easy.

Evelynn's Milk

So since I just briefly mentioned in my last post about how much I donated when I was pumping Evelynn's breastmilk and donating it, I thought I would finally finish up the post I started many, many, many months ago and never published.

A little recap

I first decided I wanted to donate Evelynn's breastmilk while I was still in the hospital and knew that Evelynn wasn't going to make it. I knew my milk was going to be coming in, as it did within a day or two of Liam's passing, and felt that it would be a wonderful thing to do in her memory. That if she couldn't have her milk then at least it could go to another baby(s) that were in need.

Through the Nursing Boutique at the hospital I was set up with the Mothers Milk Bank. They were not able to take my milk the first week or two because of the medications I had been on from the c-section, but a lady on Craigslist was in need of breastmilk for her baby, so I was able to donate about 30 ounces to her right away, and then once I stopped donating to the milk bank because of the meds I had needed to get on from this rash that I had developed, she was able to take that milk as well. The Milk Bank was very strict on donated milk if medications had been taken because most of the milk goes to fragile NICU patients that can't handle it like older healthier babies can.

At first I remember it being very painful, but I was determined to do this for my daughter. I got help with it, it took a lot of time and dedication, but eventually I was pumping about 6 times a day, about every 3-4 hours. It was time consuming for sure, but at the same time it was a time in my day that I had to stop and sit and just be in that moment. I would think about Evelynn and all the babies this was helping. At first my daily pumpings would total around 15oz, then up to 20-25oz, and at the end I would get approx. 30-35oz. It would equal about a gallon every 3-4 days. Sometimes I would look down at my boobs and just think "these things are fricken amazing!"

I pumped at home, in the car, at the airport, and in an outhouse and camp shed on a camping trip. I wasn't shy.

I wrote about that stupid rash I got many months ago, last fall now, when I first got it. It was because of that, that I had to stop donating because of the steroids I was on. I needed to stop anyway because I needed my body to get back into pregnancy mode for our IVF cycle, but it was super hard giving it up. I would cry just thinking about giving it up. This was the last real connection I had with my daughter. This was her milk. It was only here because it was meant for her, and when it dried up it would be gone.

There is also other things of course that mad me not want to quit. I almost felt like a pumping junky. I had crazy amounts of energy since I had started pumping, at least I attributed it all to the pumping. I never had that kind of energy after Liam passed. I know it was a different baby, it was a different season, different everything, but I believed it had to be from the hormones producing the milk. Not to mention how much weight I lost. I was afraid that once I stop pumping I would lose that energy and then just get very depressed and not want to do anything. The energy kept me busy doing projects, which kept my mind distracted.

When I did finally stop about mid last September, I was right and I lost that energy and I became very depressed and my anger took over. But we don't need to get into that ugly time in my life again. If you want to know then read my posts from that time.

Here is a copy of the 2 emails from the lady I was working with at the Milk Bank when I was finished donating

Hi Becky,

 

I thought you might want to know where your 16 gallons of milk went:

 

3 different hospitals in Denver, including a children’s hospital

2 hospitals in Portland, OR, including a children’s hospital

2 hospitals in Missouri - one in Kansas City and one in St. Louis

A hospital in Colorado Springs, CO

A hospital in Grand Junction, CO

 

6 outpatient infants, including 2 sets of twins, one adopted baby, and one baby who was born severely prematurely who is now home but has multiple chronic health problems and is still on a ventilator.

 

This is impressive, especially since each hospital on the list takes large volumes of milk to use mostly in NICUs and a little in the healthy baby nurseries.

 

and the other email

 

I agree, it is so important to remember the incredible number of babies your daughter’s milk helped. Your total volume donated is 2,051 oz, or 16 gallons. That is an amazing number! The Milk Bank, the babies you helped, and the families of those babies are all grateful for the effort you put in to donating your precious milk. What a beautiful legacy.

I’m going to hand your chart over to our secretary for retirement. Expect a small gift and letter in the mail within the next few weeks. Thank you so much for being a donor!

They gave me a cookbook called Cookies and Milk and a letter thanking me again for all that I was able to donate.

I am in the process now of working on trying to bring my milk back for Max. I hope it works and I can produce him lots of milk, and also so that we can have that close mother/baby bonding experience that comes with breastfeeding.