Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Where Has March Gone

March seems to be flying by, and we have been so busy. Max is growing like crazy. Can you believe he is 6 months old already? I'll post his 6 months pictures when I get them.

Here's the run down of what's been going on lately.

-We have started solids and he seems to be enjoying them so far. Actually, I can't help but giggle watching him trying to devour the spoon. It's classic!
-We put in his big boy car seat a few weeks back. Best decision ever! He hated that infant car seat, so it was time for a change, and he has never been happier on car rides.
-He still has issues with dairy. I test it on occasion. Sometimes I feel like he handles it okay and other times I pay for it for days with a very unhappy, restless baby. Maybe in another couple months he will be able to tolerate it better. I really miss cheese, but I really want to continue to breastfeed for the first year if possible.
-Since his eye surgery back in February he has been wearing glasses, but now also has contacts. The glasses are big, get in the way, and gives him no peripheral vision. The contacts, on the other hand, will give him better vision, which will better his development. At his 6 month pediatrician appt. yesterday Max still scored lower in his gross motor skills. Our pediatrician thinks he may still be playing catch up from the cataracts.
-Max hasn't started crawling yet, but we are working on getting our house more baby friendly. We have a ways to go.
-Other than all that, Max and I spend our days playing. It definitely isn't easy, but being able to stay home with my kid, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One thing I had been wanting to do for a while, but was so scared about doing, is joining a mommy and baby/kid type meet up group. I was really starting to feel the need to meet other moms that stay at home with their kids and I know that it is good for Max to start interacting with others around his age. We have gone to 2 meet ups so far, and I'd say they've gone pretty well. I still have my own issues I need to work out when it comes to others and pregnancy talk and baby girls. Right now I am trying to find the nerve to respond  to a message from one of the girls in the group who messaged me the other day. She has a baby girl who is a week younger than Max and is wondering if we can get together for a play date. Eeek!

I have so much more to share, but that's all for now.

Haven't figured out the jumping part yet, but he seems to like it.
I bought the chariot when I was pregnant with Liam. I am so excited that I was finally able to use it!
Daddy's been working a lot. He sure does love his daddy!

Upgraded to the big boy carseat and wearing our new glasses!
We started solids and wearing contacts!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Max's Eye Surgery

When Max was born we had about 5 different Dr's look at his eyes. We thought we were in the clear, no sign of cataracts, and he seemed to be seeing fine. Then at his 4 month check the pediatrician wasn't seeing the red reflux like he needed and referred us to an ophthalmologist. To make a long story short we got seen by the ophthalmologist and Max got eye surgery 2 days later. Having lost 2 babies already, 1 during surgery and the other shortly after, we were nervous for him, but as I said, I had the surgery and my dad had the surgery, and we can both see. So, we were definitely nervous but at the same not as much as I thought we'd be. He came out of the surgery fine with no sign of infection or other issues. And as much as I never wanted one of babies to have to deal with the ugly thick glasses, the look on his face when he got them after surgery, letting us know he could see, and see really good, was priceless. I've never seen a more talkative happy baby.

I remember when one of my biggest fears with having kids was that one or all of them would get my congenital cataracts. I had eye surgery to remove the cataracts when I was 22 months old and then again when I was 18 to get lens implants. Growing up I was the kid with the coke bottle glasses and didn't want my kids to get made fun of for something they couldn't control like I did. I now know their are worse things that can happen as I have lived it, for now I am just glad we made it through this.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Catching Up

Here I am finally getting around to writing and saying yet again that I need to write more often, but rarely do. I started a post back in December and now am determined to finish it so I can get my post out about what has been going on these days with our family. Which I will say the reason I am up late writing this is because I can't sleep and am nervous about what's going on with Max right now.

So here goes.

The first months of Max's life were hard. Hard because I was scared he was going to die too. Hard because he was always so upset and looked like he was in pain and we didn't know what to do for him. Hard because though I knew he was my son, I had a hard time bonding with him. It was also hard because I was really thinking of Evelynn all the time.

A lot has changed since then. We of course now know it was the dairy that I was consuming that caused him so much pain. Luckily we figured that out before too long and between 2 and 3 months I had my diet under control and he was so much happier. Overall I'd say he's just a pretty happy baby in general these days.

The fear of him dying is definitely still there, and I don't think its going to go away anytime soon. I still check on him continously to make sure he's breathing. I'm talking all the time. If he falls a sleep in his swing, bouncer, carseat, his carrier on walks, and even in his crib and that has his SIDS monitor under the mattress. Back in December I believe I had my first real scare. It was 2am, I was up pumping, and Max was asleep in his crib. The monitor went off letting me know there was no movement in the crib=baby not crying, holy shit my baby is dead. I fly up as fast as I can to get to him. To make a long story short, I had him in my arms yelling at him, crying, saying is this really fucking happening to me. He wouldn't wake up. I tried searching for my phone to call 911, but of course it went flying when I got up so quickly. With one hand I was looking for that the other I was doing some really sloppy CPR. I am trained to do it, but clearly I now know when I am in a panic state with my own baby, everything I learned went out the window. When I finally found my phone and wanted to dial  I went to move his limp body, at which point I accidentally smacked it on the ground, and he woke up screaming. It hasn't happened since, but I was pretty certain my baby was gone.

I would say that once he reached 3 months the bond I had with him definitely grew. I don't even have the words to describe how I really felt, but it wasn't like the feelings and instant love that I had with Liam and Evelynn. Maybe its because I didn't carry him. Or, maybe its because my heart was worried that he would be gone soon too, and was easier to not get too attached. All I know is that I am so love with that little guy. I love his smile and his laugh. I love how we sleep in in the mornings together, and yes I bring him into bed with me in the mornings even though I always tell myself ot probably isn't the smartest idea. I love watching him grow and how now when I hold him he wrapd his arms on me like he is giving me hugs. He has me wrapped around his cute little finger. I just love him.

Saying all that, I do still miss my daughter and the chance to raise my girl. Not that those feelings ever went away, but they hit me really hard after Max was born thru around Christmas. I know Evelynn isn't coming back but I am determined somehow, someway, I am going to have a girl to raise. I need at least that. I have amazing blm friends, we have what we call our "tribe", they were so much help through Max's pregnancy in keeping me somewhat sane. Many of them are now pregnant again or just gave birth to their second rainbows, many of which are girls. Of all people to be jealous of, it shouldn't be them, but I have been. I should be overjoyed with Max being here, but so much of my thoughts for awhile were filled how my daughter should be here and it isn't fair that all these girls are on their next rainbow, when I just got my first,  and of course their girls. The pain and so much of the blame is still there. Some days it just eats away at me. Some days I have gone as far being determined that at Evelynn's 2 year anniversary we are getting pregnant again because I need to try for my girl. Now thats scary, but then I know getting a gestational carrier again isn't exactly cheap. Although I think if we could afford it again I could possibly make it so that the embryo(s) we transfer is/are a girl(s). I have thought about this all so much and definitely still have a pretty broken heart over my baby girl dying. I am trying to fidn that balance between still grieving her, put those next baby thoughts a little more at ease for now, and just try to enjoy every moment I can with Max. It's not always as easy as one who hasn't lost a child thinks it can be.

Alright well that's a lot off my chest for tonight. I'll try to update the rest about us/him by this weekend.  I promise. Maybe if I say that I'll actually do it then. I leave you all with a few pictures of the cutest little boy ever.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Liam's 3rd Birthday

Liam's 3rd and golden birthday was back on January 3rd. Thank you to everyone who thought of him, sent birthday wishes, and sent cards. The days leading up to his birthday are always a little stressful. Since our time in San Francisco, before the fetal surgery and his birth and passing, was over New Years, I have yet to feel anything remotely close to joyous when we enter the new year. Maybe one day we will do a little bit more for his birthday. One day maybe we will even get a cake and celebrate it like we will for Max's birthdays, but for now, mellow is okay with me. We look at his pictures, we speak of him, and talk about our time with him. I don't think of San Francisco as much as I once did but on occasion, especially around his birthday, I still think about it and about our hopes and dreams we had during our time there. sometimes I wish I could separate the two, but its hard when some of my greatest memories with Liam are in the same place that brought me so much sadness.

We miss you so much and wish you could be here. Your little brother Max is with us now and we are finally able to use all your baby things that you were never able to. It's very bittersweet. I look at your pictures and I think Max looks a lot like you. We are so happy he his here with us, but we will always wonder about the type of baby you would have been and miss being able to see you grow up. It's hard to believe its been 3 years already. Happy 3rd birthday in heaven little buddy. Love you forever. Mom
Made by Keleen- Addison's mom.

On January 4th a dear blm friend of mine, Claudia, finally got her rainbow take home baby. Or in her case, babies. Claudia lost her twin boys a few days after we lost Liam back in 2011. She later lost 2 more boys. Like me, she ended up getting a gestational carrier. She was able to transfer 2 embryos to her carrier, that both took, and now, 9 months later on January 4th, has 2 beautiful baby boys in her arms. Claudia also started taking domperidone like me and is working on being able to breastfeed her babies as well. It has been a long road for her and her husband, but I am so happy she finally has her babies to love on. Forever missing, Benedetto, Vincenzo, Gabriele, and Santino.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Merry Christmas and Hopes for a Good 2014

Max is now 3 months old and I am wondering where the time has gone. I am for the most part a SAHM now and I spend much of my day just cuddling with him. Not getting much else done, but I think that is okay for now. He is growing so fast. He is so long that he is starting to outgrow most of his 3-6 month clothes already. He is smiling all the time now, especially in the mornings. That is also probably my favorite time of day with him because he always wakes up so happy.

Christmas, like the last few years was pretty mellow for us, although it was so wonderful to finally have a baby at home for it. This year we were at a friends cabin with a few of our closest friends who have been there the last couple years for us. They love Max just like they love Liam and Evelynn.

New Years Eve, tonight, is even mellower than Christmas. We are just hanging out at home working on Max's bedtime. Since losing Liam New Years Eve has definitely become one of my least favorite times of the year. It's also hard to believe that at this time last year Jessica was just starting her IVF meds and the whole gestational carrier process was finally underway. 2013 has definitely been a better year than the last couple have been and I can only hope 2014 will be good as well.

Combined birth announcement w/ Christmas card.
finally smiling

from Dereck's mom

more smiles
Max's first Christmas party.

Meeting Santa
all dressed up for another Christmas party.
3 months old already!
We love bath time!

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