Sunday, January 4, 2015

"Move On"

Surprisingly, that was a comment that was left on my last post about Liam and his 4th birthday. Not sure why people feel the need to leave comments like that, and of course they do it anonymously.
Although, sometimes I fear it's family or a friend. The name of my blog says what it's about. If you don't understand or want to understand where I am coming from or are here to remember my children too, then just don't read it, or at least just don't be an ass hole and leave such a shitty remark.

I hate that I feel I have to even write about this, but I wish people would quit using this stupid phrase. It's about as hurtful as people that try to tell you that I am so strong and they don't think they could've ever have lived through what I have. The thing is that I think I have "moved on" as some want to call it, but maybe just not in the same way as they think I should have. I had an option to make, effing twice at that, to live or die. Now dying wouldn't be moving on, well not in the way I'm talking, nor is just becoming a recluse, or even ending up in the nut house. All options that would have been so much easier. I chose to want to move forward and try to find some joy in life again, and I wanted a family with living children. And I have had to fight damn hard for that. Plus, it's not like the world was going to stop moving forward.

So, yes, I have moved on and I think I have came a hell of along way from where I was 4 years ago when my world was flipped upside down, but I will never, ever stop loving and missing my son or daughter. I am not just going to push my love for them aside like they didn't matter for anyone's sake. They mattered. And if some think they weren't important, stop reading this blog. And also I feel sorry for you. I hope you never know what's it's like to love someone so much and to lose them. And if you're someone I know, then please step forward and let me know who you are so I can delete you from my life.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

The Life Of A 4 Year Old Boy

Today 4 years ago is fetal surgery day. More importantly it's Liam's birthday. Four years seems so long ago. So much has happened, seems like a lifetimes worth, not 4 years. So many empty years leaves me with just wondering about the type of boy he'd be today. Having Max now I am getting to see what it's like to watch a child, a son, of mine grow up, but I still wonder how similar or different they'd be from one another. Would he be into cars or superheroes? And school. Would he be in preschool now and by next fall getting ready for kindergarten? Oh and I bet Christmas and birthdays would be just exciting for a 4 year old. Bluhhh......

Today I was looking at old pictures from my childhood. Pictures of me camping with my family, playing with friends, and pictures of me just being silly with the dogs and my sister at home. The common thing in all these pictures I see is how happy I am and how I miss those days of life being so easy. I've always loved these years, that age range from like 3 through about 8-10. I love their imagination. How I miss my imagination and can't wait to see Max fully use it to be anything and do anything he wants. Max isn't fully their yet but Liam would be, and I can only imagine how awesome it'd be. Gahh, do I ever hate that I will never get to see all my kids play together or get any of those happy, at home or camping, goofy, just being kids photos together, ever.

Today and always I am missing you little buddy. I miss all that you would be as crazy little 4 year old boy. Love you forever.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Our Hope For 2015

Surprisingly, after feeling so down, angry, lost, and confused the last couple months, I can say that the last few days I have done an almost complete 180. I still hate my body for completely failing me of course, but whatever, won't get into that today, again. Dereck and I had a good talk a few days ago and we made the decision that we are going to adopt. It is still scary, nerve racking, and far from stress free, but it is still by far the least risky and possibly the least spendy of options. Granted things go smoothly of course. Plus we can choose to only look at profiles for baby girls, which is what I prefer. And I hope beyond hope if we are lucky enough to get picked that the birth mom does not change her mind. 

We have already emailed in the paper work and yesterday I paid for the initial up front consulting fees. We have our consultant picked, who I've spoken to a couple times already, is actually the owner of the company, and seems so perfect and sweet. She is going to be getting back to me as soon as she speaks to the person here in Anchorage in charge of handling the home study. Then we can start looking at all the educational materials and start our profile. So much to work on but glad I have something to stay focused on, when Max will allow it of course. My goal is to get these 3 steps done by January so we can start looking at profiles for expectant mom's soon. Eeeeek!

It is still early on in the process but I am happy I am in a place to say that I feel good and even excited about this decision. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It is definitely is helping me to be a bit happier for the Christmas and something to look forward to in 2015.

For anyone who wants to keep up to date I'll be starting a tab with all things adoption, including the cost, like I'd did with our gestational carrier journey.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Friday, December 19, 2014

This Is All Too Much

I can hardly think these days. The grief is weighing me down again, along with those thoughts of the "next" baby. Christmas is almost here and I am just wanting it to be over and get to January. Of course, January through April aren't exactly my favorites times of year either. So many friends pregnant and having these perfect babies. So much hate for my body for completely f-ing me over. I hate that my thoughts are so wrapped up in all of this that I can't even bring myself to do much of anything lately. Poor Max. I wish I could find it in me to more excited, but I can't, not this year.

I met the MFM Dr a few weeks back. It went about how I expected it to go. She wasn't exactly  supportive in terms of being like "lets get ya pregnant" and "it'll all work out". I wouldn't have exactly wanted to hear that anyway since no one can guarantee things will work out. She, however, did say that if I chose to get pregnant again that she would be 100% invested in my care. I am glad to hear that but I just wish I would've saw her last time then. Not that things wouldn't have worked out the same, but its hard not to wonder. Also, its not like it was my last MFM Drs fault. She was just listening to the Perinatologist from UCSF. My ob Dr on the other hand, I am still just so angry with. Obviously, she didn't want my uterus to rupture or my daughter to die, but I can't help but still be pissed that she kept blowing off my concerns of a rupture, telling to stop worrying I am stressing my baby out, and that things were going to be fine. It just pisses me off that my daughter might still be alive someone taken this more seriously. But why would they assume I'd rupture, afterall, its so rare. Fuuuuck! Oh and the MFM Dr said that they don't refer anyone to UCSF anymore because for some reason they keep losing all the babies. WTF? seriously?

Tomorrow I meet with that new Ob Dr to go over the consult I had with the MFM. I expect he still won't be supportive of another pregnancy, but lately I feel like I am just done with all things pregnancy.

As far as the search for a new carrier, I have spoken to numerous surros through this website called Surro Moms Online. I wanted to find another carrier on our own and be independent again. Granted with Jessica, she found us, and was amazing, I believe there are other wonderful people out there who want to help people like me, without it costing a fortune. I honestly don't know how anyone can afford going through agency, IVF is expensive enough. About a month ago I thought I found the perfect carrier. She had just given birth to a baby for another couple a week prior and wanting to find another couple to help this spring. She seemed perfect and more on our time line. Most surros I was meeting were ready to start the process, like yesterday. She had her first post nantal appt yesterday, but I guess needed to get rechecked in January before the Dr would give her the okay to do this again.

I spoke with my RE's office a couple months back about wanting to do this process again and they had needed me to do some blood work to test my hormone levels once I was done breastfeeding. I was told I would have the results of my blood work the following Monday, the labs were drawn on Friday. Still no call by Wednesday, so I called them on Thursday and left a message. I should have known that if the nurses weren't calling me back with results right away it couldn't be good. Sure enough, I finally got a call on Friday that I needed to speak with the RE regarding my results. We spoke with him over the phone on Wednesday and I was right. My results are showing that my ovaries are failing fast. He said we were so lucky to even have Max since we only had one embryo. He thinks it'd be a huge waste of our time and money to try and go through ivf and preparing a carrier again to only have no eggs or embryos next time. I started crying and wanted to scream. Why? Why? Why? Hasn't the world screwed me over enough in the having a living baby dept? The RE said we can do another blood test next month and see if anything changes, but he doubts it. Dereck thinks we should get a second opinion, but I don't even know if I can handle anymore of this. Like with getting pregnant again, their are just so many risks, money, and time involved that I don't know if I can mentally go through either of it again.

I have thought about doing an egg donor more. It sucks to have to use an egg donor and a carrier, but the baby would at least be biologically Derecks. I have also thought of looking into getting a donated embryo. The baby would not be biologically ours at all, but by using a carrier we trusted we could ensure that she would take good care of the baby and of course not be able to take the baby back. That is still a worry with me in adoption, but saying all this, I am kind of to the point of just being ready to adopt. I want more than one living child, and through adoption I will have a better chances of getting a living daughter. I know its a lot of work, stress, and money too, but also so different from the IVF and gestational carrier side of things. I have spoke to one of my blm friends who ended up adopting about her experience and already am looking into the adoption agency they went through. It doesn't hurt to look and too talk to people and know more about all our options, I just hate that they seem to keep getting more and more limited it seems. Because really a baby with spina bifida, fetal surgery, babyloss, a uterine rupture, another babyloss, IVF, and now learning my ovaries just straight up suck isn't enough to completely screw somebody up.

I also went back to grief group last night. I haven't been there in over a year. I think not since right after Evelynn died. Then I had to stop going because I just couldn't handle, well much of anything. Before the grief group was for anyone who had lost a child of any age, but now a group has been created specifically for people with pregnancy loss or very early infant loss. I think I might try to go again next month. It actually felt good to go and just get everything off my chest to all these women who understood more of what I was going through.

Well I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I can pull myself together a little more so that I can at least be a bit more cheery for Max this Christmas.

I saw this on facebook posted by another blm. How true it is.

Sunday, November 9, 2014


I have participated in the Right Where I am Project the last 3 years and had wanted to this year as well but just never seem to sit long enough to write anything up. Time seems to be flying by and I honestly don't know how I am these days. I am grateful for Max and the chance to raise a son, even though I didn't get the chance with Liam, but yet I dream of my little girl on an almost daily basis again. For awhile I had gotten away from being so set on her or even just girl, girl, girl, but lately it has been so hard to not think about everything I am missing. I feel so selfish and like such a bad mom on those days when Max is being crabby. I get caught up in these thoughts about how I bet Evelynn wouldn't be acting like this or even that Liam would know better. It's like I am comparing my children, and I obviously don't know how Liam or Evelynn would be since my chance to parent them got stolen away from me. I may be a little bitter these days. Or maybe the bitterness and all the jealousy I hold in me never went away and is making a gruesome comeback.

People being pregnant is still rough, especially when its your close friends. I know I've wrote about it already, quite a few months back, but we are finally at that time when my 3 pregnant friends here are finally having their babies, and I am losing my shit. I am trying to keep it together, and for the most part I am. So far there has been a boy, that one was a surprise, and now one of the girls has been born, and next month the 3rd baby, another girl, will be born. I have been cursing the world a lot again at why I got shit on, twice, and everyone else gets perfect pregnancies and deliveries. Not that I want someone's baby to die, but why is it that everyone seems to gets it all?! Seriously, no emergency c-section, no gestational diabetes, no need to see a high risk dr., no bedrest, NOTHING. It. makes. me. crazy! And I'll just stop there with all my negative juju I keep trying to push into the world.

In other news, talk of the next baby is still going on. A few weeks back I met with a brand new ob dr. Actually, the dr. I met with just so happened to be at the hospital when I had my rupture with Evelynn and helped get me prepared for surgery while the dr. on call from my clinic was on her way. He remembered my case right away he said when he read my records that had got sent to his clinic. He, as with most, strongly suggest getting another carrier since I would be so high risk. Like we didn't see that coming. He did say though that he would consider it, but that he would have to talk to his colleagues since they all share patients at this practice. Honestly I wish my old ob office was like that, then maybe it wouldn't have been such a surprise to the ob dr. on call when she cut me open and realized my baby wasn't in the uterus anymore. He is also referring me to a maternal fetal medicine dr. for a consult as well. I saw this mfm when I was pregnant with Liam. It was her office that told me about the fetal surgery. I went to a different mfm when pregnant with Evelynn, but from talking to other blm friends they all said she is the one I need to see, so that is what I am doing. I am sure she too will say I need to forget about another pregnancy, but I just need to hear what she thinks. That appt is in a week. Then, depending on what she says, I'll go back and see the new ob dr and hear what he has to say about everything. I have my days where I think this is the only way and other days I am scared to death. Not so much scared of losing another baby, I'd hate to, but I've lived through it twice, but I am scared of having the baby end up with severe developmental issue or have cerebral palsy because of my stupidity in getting pregnant. I am also so scared for my own life in that I could end up with major issues if I rupture and don't get to the hospital I time. It's all just stressful.

Then there is getting another carrier. I have asked multiple people to either carry for us or at least to tell all their family and friends about us in the hopes that maybe someone will want to help us. So far no such luck there. A month ago I did have a family member tell me that they had a coworker who wanted to be a surro and that she would call me to talk about it. She never called and when I texted her I never even received a message back. I wish people would understand how stressful this is and I can't help but get my hopes up, and god does it suck when they get crushed right away. Its really hard to ask people. I know that not everyone loves being pregnant, feel they could handle giving up a baby they carried for 9 months, or even handle all the stuff that goes along with carrying someone else's baby, but sometimes I get so mad when I hear all the no' and the multitude of reasons why. I want to scream back and ask how the hell they would feel if they were in my shoes. I guess I can't say for certain but I think if my situation were different I could've been a carrier for someone.

I just finished breastfeeding last week, yay I made it a whole year, and need my body and hormones to go back to "normal". Once that happens I'll get some blood work done to see where I stand with doing another round of IVF since we only ended up with one embryo last time. one perfect embryo that is. Hopefully that'll all be done, with good results, by the end of the year. I keep hoping we could have someone lined up by then, so that hopefully by next spring sometime we can start the whole ivf carrier process again. We are still talking about posting something on Facebook, but waiting for those test results first. I have also joined a surro and IP Facebook group to talk with and meet other surros and IPs. That facebook group told me about this website called surromomsonline. It has a classified section for IPs to search for surros or for surros to find some IPs. You can put up your own ad or you can just answer them. So far I have emailed a few of the gestational surrogates. I have emailed one of the ladies multiple times and we even spoke on the phone this weekend. She actually seems pretty perfect. I am going to look into RE's in her area tomorrow to see what those clinics require. It might be easiest for us to go to a new clinic and start fresh and than have her fly to ours. We'll see after I make some phone calls. I'll also be calling a surrogacy lawyer to learn more about the laws in her state. I know its a surro friendly state, but I need to know all the ins and outs before we can go any further. Tomorrow sounds busy. Depending on what comes of these calls, the next big hurdle will need to be how to pay for it all again. No fundraiser this time nor a second income since I am mainly a stay at home mom now. I'd hate to have to wait longer to start a new journey and bring Max a living sibling home, but I guess if the money isn't there, their isn't much we can do.

Suppose that's all for now. I need to get to bed because that adorable little man of mine will have me up early.
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