Sunday, November 9, 2014


I have participated in the Right Where I am Project the last 3 years and had wanted to this year as well but just never seem to sit long enough to write anything up. Time seems to be flying by and I honestly don't know how I am these days. I am grateful for Max and the chance to raise a son, even though I didn't get the chance with Liam, but yet I dream of my little girl on an almost daily basis again. For awhile I had gotten away from being so set on her or even just girl, girl, girl, but lately it has been so hard to not think about everything I am missing. I feel so selfish and like such a bad mom on those days when Max is being crabby. I get caught up in these thoughts about how I bet Evelynn wouldn't be acting like this or even that Liam would know better. It's like I am comparing my children, and I obviously don't know how Liam or Evelynn would be since my chance to parent them got stolen away from me. I may be a little bitter these days. Or maybe the bitterness and all the jealousy I hold in me never went away and is making a gruesome comeback.

People being pregnant is still rough, especially when its your close friends. I know I've wrote about it already, quite a few months back, but we are finally at that time when my 3 pregnant friends here are finally having their babies, and I am losing my shit. I am trying to keep it together, and for the most part I am. So far there has been a boy, that one was a surprise, and now one of the girls has been born, and next month the 3rd baby, another girl, will be born. I have been cursing the world a lot again at why I got shit on, twice, and everyone else gets perfect pregnancies and deliveries. Not that I want someone's baby to die, but why is it that everyone seems to gets it all?! Seriously, no emergency c-section, no gestational diabetes, no need to see a high risk dr., no bedrest, NOTHING. It. makes. me. crazy! And I'll just stop there with all my negative juju I keep trying to push into the world.

In other news, talk of the next baby is still going on. A few weeks back I met with a brand new ob dr. Actually, the dr. I met with just so happened to be at the hospital when I had my rupture with Evelynn and helped get me prepared for surgery while the dr. on call from my clinic was on her way. He remembered my case right away he said when he read my records that had got sent to his clinic. He, as with most, strongly suggest getting another carrier since I would be so high risk. Like we didn't see that coming. He did say though that he would consider it, but that he would have to talk to his colleagues since they all share patients at this practice. Honestly I wish my old ob office was like that, then maybe it wouldn't have been such a surprise to the ob dr. on call when she cut me open and realized my baby wasn't in the uterus anymore. He is also referring me to a maternal fetal medicine dr. for a consult as well. I saw this mfm when I was pregnant with Liam. It was her office that told me about the fetal surgery. I went to a different mfm when pregnant with Evelynn, but from talking to other blm friends they all said she is the one I need to see, so that is what I am doing. I am sure she too will say I need to forget about another pregnancy, but I just need to hear what she thinks. That appt is in a week. Then, depending on what she says, I'll go back and see the new ob dr and hear what he has to say about everything. I have my days where I think this is the only way and other days I am scared to death. Not so much scared of losing another baby, I'd hate to, but I've lived through it twice, but I am scared of having the baby end up with severe developmental issue or have cerebral palsy because of my stupidity in getting pregnant. I am also so scared for my own life in that I could end up with major issues if I rupture and don't get to the hospital I time. It's all just stressful.

Then there is getting another carrier. I have asked multiple people to either carry for us or at least to tell all their family and friends about us in the hopes that maybe someone will want to help us. So far no such luck there. A month ago I did have a family member tell me that they had a coworker who wanted to be a surro and that she would call me to talk about it. She never called and when I texted her I never even received a message back. I wish people would understand how stressful this is and I can't help but get my hopes up, and god does it suck when they get crushed right away. Its really hard to ask people. I know that not everyone loves being pregnant, feel they could handle giving up a baby they carried for 9 months, or even handle all the stuff that goes along with carrying someone else's baby, but sometimes I get so mad when I hear all the no' and the multitude of reasons why. I want to scream back and ask how the hell they would feel if they were in my shoes. I guess I can't say for certain but I think if my situation were different I could've been a carrier for someone.

I just finished breastfeeding last week, yay I made it a whole year, and need my body and hormones to go back to "normal". Once that happens I'll get some blood work done to see where I stand with doing another round of IVF since we only ended up with one embryo last time. one perfect embryo that is. Hopefully that'll all be done, with good results, by the end of the year. I keep hoping we could have someone lined up by then, so that hopefully by next spring sometime we can start the whole ivf carrier process again. We are still talking about posting something on Facebook, but waiting for those test results first. I have also joined a surro and IP Facebook group to talk with and meet other surros and IPs. That facebook group told me about this website called surromomsonline. It has a classified section for IPs to search for surros or for surros to find some IPs. You can put up your own ad or you can just answer them. So far I have emailed a few of the gestational surrogates. I have emailed one of the ladies multiple times and we even spoke on the phone this weekend. She actually seems pretty perfect. I am going to look into RE's in her area tomorrow to see what those clinics require. It might be easiest for us to go to a new clinic and start fresh and than have her fly to ours. We'll see after I make some phone calls. I'll also be calling a surrogacy lawyer to learn more about the laws in her state. I know its a surro friendly state, but I need to know all the ins and outs before we can go any further. Tomorrow sounds busy. Depending on what comes of these calls, the next big hurdle will need to be how to pay for it all again. No fundraiser this time nor a second income since I am mainly a stay at home mom now. I'd hate to have to wait longer to start a new journey and bring Max a living sibling home, but I guess if the money isn't there, their isn't much we can do.

Suppose that's all for now. I need to get to bed because that adorable little man of mine will have me up early.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Uterus Transplant Success

So excited to have learned that one of the women that had a uterus transplant over in Sweden delivered a healthy, living baby. Gives hope to so many women either born without a uterus or who have had serious pregnancy/uterine type problems, like me with my rupture.
Here is the link to the article.

Monday, October 6, 2014

A First Birthday- September 26, 2014

Some days I still can't believe we were lucky enough to enter our lives and help us bring home a healthy, living baby, but how can that little boy already be 1 years old. Where did the time go? It has been a great year. We've had up and we've had downs. Max is so sweet and cuddly and I love that I get to spend my days with him watching him grow. Saying all this though, I am still uber paranoid about something happening to him, like the big D, death that is. He still sleeps with his angelcare or snuza monitor and I get crazy nervous about feeding him certain solids for fear of choking to death. Not sure that worry will ever go away.

We celebrated his first birthday in MN and ND with family. He's had 4 cakes already and will have another party soon with our Alaskan family. Making it to a first birthday is kind of big deal. We also took some time out to visit some of my old friends as well as a few of our blm friends and their rainbows. We even got to meet up with Jessica and her family. I am glad that we are able to have the relationship we do. Her and her family are as wonderful as the day we first met them. We also visited Liam and Evelynn. I sure wish we could visit them more, but did leave them some birthday party favors.

Here is the link to his 1 year pics for anyone who wants to see.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Walk to Remember 2014

This morning Max and I did the Walk to Remember. I am so grateful to have Max with me this year walking in memory of Liam and Evelynn. Not grateful for having to be in this boat in the first place.
Love you forever little buddy and baby girl.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

In Regards To The Last Post

There were numerous comments on my last post and I wanted to follow up with some of the questions that were asked and clarify a few things. It is nice to hear other points of view, well with the exception of one of the comments. Also, I had a comment from a reader who I thought was going to be another Jessica. Here goes...

-First question that was asked.
"I know you specifically want a baby girl who is genetically yours. You deserve that. If it just can't be done safely, would you at all be open to traditional surrogacy? Where it's your husband's sperm and the surrogate's egg? Then the baby would at least still be a half sibling to Max.... just throwing it out there since I didn't see you mention it specifically. I hope you are able to find peace and a solution. It's all just unfair :("
-I did comment back with this response, "I haven't looked into traditional surrogacy closely but I am not sure if it is even legal anywhere in the U.S. I guess when it comes down to it we'd still have to find someone to be pregnant for us and give us the baby in the end."
-The above commenter wrote this in response, "Maybe a donor egg vs traditional surrogacy? And in theory you may be able to find a female embryo looking for a home..." 
-I don't know too much about the process of getting a donor egg or even getting an embryo. I do think you're right about the possibility of being able to get a female if we decided to get an embryo though. The thing with both of these options for us, as well with traditional surrogacy, is the big issue in finding someone to carry the baby for us. If we can find a carrier then we'd obviously want the baby to be both of ours. If our issue was just me being infertile, but could carry the baby, then I think a donor egg or donor embryo would be right up our alley. Surrogacy, no matter what form is costly, and if we do it the baby would need to be both of ours, or we'd just assume adopt at that point. I hope that answers that question well enough.

-2nd question.
"What happens if you do get pregnant and it's a boy? It sounds like you've got your heart set on a bio baby girl and unless you're paying for IVF with gender selection and that's expensive, I'm not sure how you'd ensure that it's a girl. If you get a 2nd bio boy would that be enough or would you still be upset because he's not a girl?"
-Okay, Dereck and I have talked about this very thing. Whether we were to get pregnant again or get another carrier (which is more likely), I can tell you right out that I will be a to an extent sad if the baby is a boy. Will I love that baby boy? Absolutely. Of course I would. Ask anyone who has lost a child and not been able to get the same sex child again after a loss. It's hard and as crappy as knowing you can't or should never get pregnant again. Just the thought of getting rid of Evelynn's never worn things makes me want to cry right now. And I already hate so much that I don't get to see that brother sister relationship grow as is. I also know that no girl we have will be Evelynn, just as Max is not Liam. I want my chance at raising a daughter, and whether I get to or not, I'm pretty sure my heart will always ache for the chance, just like it will always ache for Liam and Evelynn.
- Now, if we do IVF again, which we have to do if we go with a carrier, doing the PGD testing for gender selection is out of the question for Dereck. I am all for it, and yes it is quite expensive, but it won't be happening for us. Honestly, I don't even think it'd be something worth hoping to try for anyways. I say this because we talked to our RE already about the possibility of trying to do a cycle and freeze the embryos until we get a carrier and he said that wasn't a good idea since we only ended up with 1 embryo last time. Not to mention he had us do a 2 day transfer, versus a 5 day, to hopefully up our chances of it taking. Embryos need to make it to day 5 for freezing and also to get sent out to do the PGD testing, I believe, but don't quote me. So I guess for us there is no way to ensure its a girl without adopting.
-Also, in regards to the part about it being expensive, well, it is, it all is. The way I see it is that I have known a lot of people that have gone broke or whine about money all the time over less, a lot less. 

Then there was this comment.
-"I am so sorry you are having to face all of this. There is no easy answer. I'm trying to understand why Max can't be enough. You are sooooo lucky to have a living baby after all you have gone through. So many people are still waiting on their truly is such a miracle that you have Max. As you well know, life is not fair. Why not just focus on Baby Max and enjoy every minute of life with him instead of chasing after what you have lost? You really want a biological baby girl but even she won't replace Evelynn. Many people just want a baby....any baby....and you have that. Just be content in what you have and be happy and thankful for what you have after all you have lost. You are so lucky!!!!"
-Everyone is entitled to their opinion but this comment really upset me. Dereck and I went back and forth on the type of commenter this came from. Was it someone who came across my blog and has had multiple perfect pregnancies, healthy babies, and got to say when they were finished having kids? Or was it someone who has had years of infertility and most likely still waiting for their take home baby, as stated above in the comment? If it is, I am so sorry that you are still struggling, but I honestly can't believe you would judge me when you should understand more than most what it's like to have to work so hard to get a baby. If its been easy for you, then I am pretty certain you would have been beyond annoyed if someone told you to stop at one. A struggle or not, doesn't seem like any good reason for me or anyone to give up on the dream of having more than one living child. In all reality there is a lot of people out there who shouldn't be allowed to have kids or should be forced to stop after one, but they just keep on having them. Sorry for the rant. And lucky, hahahahaha, okay whatever you say, lucky is the person who hasn't had to bury their children. I suppose its easy to say this when you're "anonymous." And to add, yes, we are thinking about future baby plans already, but that little boy couldn't be more loved.
-This commenter gets it and I appreciated reading the comment, so I included it here. "With regard to other commenters, I understand that many who follow your blog have been through years of infertility with zero hope for a bio - or possibly any - child. However, I think it's insensitive for anyone, regardless of their own pain, to come here and call you "lucky" when they see Liam and Evelynn at the top of the page... Max is an amazing and precious blessing but you guys are as entitled as anyone else to pursue the dream you had for your family. I'm sure if a time comes that you need to let that go and just "focus on Max" you and Dereck will be the first to know that. Without suffering anything like your losses, I went through 8 years of secondary infertility, all the while questioning our choices as we had two healthy kids. The fact is, we'd always wanted and planned for at least two more - not unlike you and Dereck. I think your love for Max answers the question of how you would feel about another boy, as well. I will always wish we could have more kids, and have them years ago, but that doesn't take away my appreciation for what and who I've been given."

And finally the comment that I didn't publish but made my day.
-"I've been reading your blog for a really long time & my heart has broken for you. My sister is a BLM. She lost one of her twins. I've wanted to be a surrogate for someone for a really long time so if you do go that route, I'd be very happy to talk with you."
-I could not believe what I was reading when I saw this come through. We have since emailed back and forth, spoken on the phone, and texted one another. She actually lives in Illinois, which is a surrogate friendly state, and one that allows you to buy insurance to cover the pregnancy. It seemed to good to be true once again, but the way its looking it most likely will not work out for us after all.

For now, outside of this blog, Dereck and I have decided to wait until we go back to MN and ND this fall before we engross ourselves anymore in the world of IVF and gestational carriers again. We have decided at that point we will try and talk more one on one with family and friends to see if they would be willing to help us, know of anyone who would, or at least spread the word. If nothing comes of that then I guess there's always posting it on Facebook.
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