Surprisingly, after feeling so down, angry, lost, and confused the last couple months, I can say that the last few days I have done an almost complete 180. I still hate my body for completely failing me of course, but whatever, won't get into that today, again. Dereck and I had a good talk a few days ago and we made the decision that we are going to adopt. It is still scary, nerve racking, and far from stress free, but it is still by far the least risky and possibly the least spendy of options. Granted things go smoothly of course. Plus we can choose to only look at profiles for baby girls, which is what I prefer. And I hope beyond hope if we are lucky enough to get picked that the birth mom does not change her mind.
We have already emailed in the paper work and yesterday I paid for the initial up front consulting fees. We have our consultant picked, who I've spoken to a couple times already, is actually the owner of the company, and seems so perfect and sweet. She is going to be getting back to me as soon as she speaks to the person here in Anchorage in charge of handling the home study. Then we can start looking at all the educational materials and start our profile. So much to work on but glad I have something to stay focused on, when Max will allow it of course. My goal is to get these 3 steps done by January so we can start looking at profiles for expectant mom's soon. Eeeeek!
It is still early on in the process but I am happy I am in a place to say that I feel good and even excited about this decision. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It is definitely is helping me to be a bit happier for the Christmas and something to look forward to in 2015.
For anyone who wants to keep up to date I'll be starting a tab with all things adoption, including the cost, like I'd did with our gestational carrier journey.
Merry Christmas everyone.