If it wasn't for the fact that the "good days" allow me to feel for the most part "good" I almost want to say I hate them. I say that because I hate this constant going back and forth between this feeling like there is hope and feeling as if things will never get better. I say this because the other day was an incredibly bad day with yesterday being a pretty good day. It was one of those days where I thought maybe I can get through this, but now today and I am up crying already and feeling incredibly depressed. I want hope, I need hope, but it is just so hard grasp.
Why am I going through this again?!
So many people keep telling me how strong I am. Am I strong? Because I feel so incredibly weak. I hurt, it hurts, and I just want this pain to stop already. I want to be with all my friends who have never had to feel this pain or I just want to be with all my baby loss mom friends enjoying their rainbows but always remembering their big brother or sister in heaven. Why couldn't I have either of those?
After Liam died I remember how so many people told me how they didn't think that they would be able to live if one of there babies had died. That continued on through my whole pregnancy with Evelynn. I remember thinking the same thing after Liam died. How I was ever going to make it through this dark time in my life? I knew I had only two options; live or die. Dying clearly wasn't an option. Although there were definitely times I had wished I would've just died with my son or that I could've taken his place, but I made it through. The hope that I had for my rainbow baby is gone and I find myself asking that same question. Do I want to let this tragedy take over my life? Do I want to let it consume me? Do I want to live or die? To continue to try and live the best you can after not one, but now two major tragedies is definitely not the easy option. I am not saying that I want to die but I am once again having the same thoughts as I had after Liam died. Part of me wishes that I would've never woke up that night after the c-section with Evelynn so that I could be with both of my babies again. Part of me also wishes that I would've never woke up from the c-section but that Evelynn would've survived and could be with her daddy. She could be with her dad and I could be with Liam. Thoughts like this clearly get me nowhere and aren't fair to Dereck neither but sometimes it seems that either of those would be better than what I am living with.
I know life is difficult for so many and for all sorts of reasons, but I am so tired of having to put so much effort into just trying to get through a day. I want to feel carefree and joyous. I want back the feeling I had when I thought my daughter was going to be coming home with me. Will I ever feel that way again?
There are a couple of things I wanted to do outside of the house today but I find myself already getting anxious over having to go to a public place by myself again. I hate feeling this way, like I can't go anywhere. I feel trapped inside my house, and my head, and yet too scared to be anywhere else, alone, near people, activity, life. I am not sure if anyone has ever seen the movie The Fear Inside. It was a movie back in the early 90's about this woman who had agoraphobia. She could not leave her house. The way I have been feeling lately made me think about this movie. Am I turning into that lady? Am I going to become agoraphobic?
I don't even want to go downstairs in our house. I have been more less staying upstairs if at all possible. Our bedroom is downstairs and I have only slept in our bed twice since we have been home, so twice in the past 9 days because I just can't handle being down there. I fall asleep on the couch every night watching tv and even when Dereck goes down to bed I prefer to just stay on the couch. I don't know why I can't handle being in my own bed, but I can't.
I hate this feeling, its as if I am losing all control.
I haven't mentioned this before because it makes feel like I am losing my mind but I swear I am having phantom kicks. I awoke to that feeling again this morning. When I feel, what to me feels just like a baby kicking, it stops me in my tracks. It makes me think of Evelynn and I try to remember what it was like when she was with me kicking away. But then at the same time I feel like I don't even remember what it was like being pregnant anymore and that was less than 2 months ago. How can I not remember what it was like to be pregnant anymore since I more less have been for the past 2 years. I really think my mind is trying to cover Evelynn up. Like she never existed. I have pictures of me pregnant with her, pictures of us at the hospital together, etc., but yet I feel like I don't remember anything. I don't even remember being in the hospital with her and what it felt like to hold her for the very first or last time. Other than the physical items I can see of hers, her life, and the pain I feel in my heart, it seems just like last year and the rest never happened.
I feel my posts are just repeats of last year. So much of what I am saying is all the same like I could just copy and paste an old post from this same time a year ago.
I just hate this and am so scared of this person I am becoming.