14 Days to go!
Next week will be a busy one for us. Tuesday we will see the Perinatologist one last time and get a look at baby girl and my incision once more before she is delivered. Wednesday I go to my Ob's office for my first steroid injection. Then on Thursday, 24 hours later, I go back into there office and get my second injection and then also see my Ob for a checkup. Then its Friday and the one week countdown begins!
Last night we went to our last grief group meeting for awhile. The first one that Dereck and I went to was about 3 weeks after we lost Liam. In the past year+ since that first meeting I have gone to every twice monthly meeting, except one a few weeks ago because I was sick. The next meeting will be the night before my c-section so we told everyone that this was our last meeting for awhile and didn't know if and when we would be back.
I brought Liam's scrapbook along to share with everyone because I have talked about it quite a few times there and the importance of getting it done before baby girl arrived. I love that I was able to share that with them and the same with all of you. Everyone is so sweet and caring there and I am so glad that I have had there support through both the loss of Liam and through my entire pregnancy with baby girl.
I also talked about a few things that have really been eating away at me lately. I won't go into too much detail. I may have even already mentioned this before, I don't remember. One of the big things that still very much so affects me is my feelings toward people and there excitement towards baby girl. I want people to be excited for her arrival because I am and well it's exciting, but there is this part of me that holds a lot of grudges and anger toward some people. These people I talk about are the ones that made me feel like my grief and sadness was unnecessary and that I should get over it. These people are excited to meet baby girl and part of me doesn't want to allow them to be able to share in that excitement. Part of me wants to tell them that if they couldn't be there for me through the sad times then no way in hell should they be allowed to be there for the happy times. I know I need to say something to them about this and soon, for my own sake, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
In other news I am in the process of my own little freak out right now. And here I have been doing so good. I know its crazy to think this way but baby girl has barely moved since last night after I had a milkshake around 8:30pm and all I can think about is my last night with Liam. Why would I assume they are related you may ask? Well the night before Liam's surgery the doctors told me to have a really good meal because I wouldn't feel like eating for a few days after surgery and I just couldn't decide on what to have. It was getting late and we needed to check into the hospital so we stopped at this diner and all I could decide on was this espresso chocolate milkshake, because you know that's a healthy and perfect thing to have when you want to go to bed within a few hours. So as silly as it seems at one point I did blame that milkshake for what happened to Liam. So all last night, I couldn't sleep because I was wired from the shake, and all day at work so far I've been freaking out about how baby girl has barely moved and all I can think about is that I ate that milkshake last night for dinner. I wish I could just get this thought out of my head but I am afraid that until she starts kicking the crap out of me its here to stay. Come on baby girl wake up, move, do something please!
I have already told Dereck that the night before our c-section we are eating a nice little home cooked meal that we have eaten numerous times. Sound crazy or irrational, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.