For the Love of baby Liam

Sweet Liam,

Hey little buddy, it's been awhile hasn't it? I was good for so long about writing to you on the third of every month and now I think its been a few months. It seems like these last few months my mind has been elsewhere. Actually it has been on your sister. I still think about you all the time though, not that I need to tell you that. I am sure you know how much I still miss you and that your picture is one of the last things I see when I look at it and tell you I love before I turn off the light to go to sleep each night.

Speaking of your sister though, can you believe how far we have come and how close we are to having her here with us? It's hard to imagine it has been more than a year since we last saw you and held you and now here we are just weeks away from meeting your baby sister. Time definitely has been flying by.

I have also been a scrapbooking machine lately. Last week I finally finished yours, well at least as finished as it can be for now. I wanted so badly to have it done before your sister arrived and am happy I did, although at the same time it makes me sad also. When I finished up the last page and looked the entire book over from the start when we first found out we were pregnant with you, through the surgery, your funeral, and the pages filled with all of the ways we've tried to remember you and honor you this past year it was a very bittersweet moment. Working on your scrapbook gave me this sense of being with you and also being able to do something for you. When I was finished I had this sense of like "what now", what do I do know to remember and honor you and to keep your memory alive. I am still not quite sure how exactly I feel about it. Although I think that is why your gravestone still isn't finished. I feel horrible that its been this long but I just can't seem to bring myself to work on it. Maybe its just the finality of it all once it's done and set in place.

In trying to keep busy and since the scrapbook stuff is out though I am finally catching up on the piles upon piles of pictures I have had since before you were even conceived. It is weird in a way to look back at those times and think about the person I was then compared to who I am now. Things have definitely changed a lot these past few years.

At a recent counseling appt. my counselor brought up that she senses that I feel like people are judging me for what happened to you. She is right I guess. I am sure no one is but there is this part of me that still feels that since you were sick and died that I failed you as a parent somehow. That maybe there is something wrong with me. We've talked a little about this at the last couple of appt.'s since she first brought it up and it is definitely a touchy subject with me. I really have a hard time talking about it. Your sister seems to be doing really well though which helps me to believe that maybe I am capable of having a healthy child. Then again, it might take until she is actually born alive and healthy for me to truly accept that.

I got this quote from another blm that posted it on Facebook a week or so ago. It seems very fitting, especially right now.

"When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect the baby. 

When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect their memory."

-unknown-

Love you forever little buddy.

Love always, Mom