Fast forward to after she passed away and even still today. I am so in love with pink. All these spring colors, especially the pinks I am seeing everywhere lately, are not helping. It's almost kind of depressing, for it makes me think of her and all that I have lost, again.
I wrote about doing pinterest/house remodeling projects to keep me busy. I can't handle sitting still right now. I literally go crazy. So instead I just don't stop moving. I paint, I tile, I organize. I did a lot in the 3 weeks Dereck was gone last. The crazy part is that I do it all alone and in silence. It is weird how I like the silence still. I have never really gotten over that since Liam passed away. I will also try to maybe post pictures one day of everything I have accomplished around our house.
|How fitting is this?|
Anyways..... I have wanted to write for awhile now about how I have been feeling. I keep going back and forth between being so happy about our new baby and the hope of things continuing to go well and trying to distract myself from worrying and keeping my anger and sadness from creeping back in. I feel like I can't keep it in anymore and want to scream and cry. Today at work I think I feel like a patient of mine was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I have gotten used to having to ask patients about whether or not they are pregnant and listening to them be like, "hell no!" or "oh I am done with that, I have 5 already". Today though, I had the patient that we haven't seen in over a year who was finally coming in to finish where she started a year ago with us because, "oh I found out I was pregnant and so now I have had the baby and need to finally get my knee fixed." She says all this with the hugest smile and look of happiness and excitement. I glared back at her and I am pretty sure she could see that I looked annoyed. I try to put my issues aside with patients because I am there for them, but ever since then I have been in the pissiest mood, and now I work extra hours today and tomorrow at my other job and I just want to go home and cry.
I just hate this.
Evelynn's first birthday is coming up in just a month and half. I am finally starting to work on some of her stuff as well. Would you believe I still don't have pictures on my wall of her. I had some of Liam's up right away, but I have had such anger issues that looking at her pictures just made me too angry too look at. I found the most perfect frames and blew up a bunch of her NILMDTS pics. I also got a bunch of fake flowers to try and replicate her basket from her funeral and her wreath from her burial, just like I did with Liam's cross. I'm hoping to start on her scrapbook as well, but I just don't know when I will be mentally ready for that one. I have to work on her first birthday and her passing day as well. That's going to suck :( Hopefully what Dereck and I have planned will make things a little less crappy though. We have decided to take a short trip to Hawaii. Now I know I have complained about money with all this carrier stuff, but its not like that. If there is anything good that has came out of paying so many medical bills, it's the thousands of airline miles we have racked up. I mean seriously, who wouldn't go to Hawaii if you and your husbands airfare was $10rt, and we are going to camp to save on lodging. The trade off though is that I will not be able to go home for the new babies anatomy scan, which I really wanted to do. This trip is something that we need though, as we are both super stressed out and need a vacation that is not baby related, and some sunshine couldn't hurt.