Saturday, August 17, 2013

Right Where I AM 2013: 2 years, 7 months, and 2 weeks & 1 year, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days

I am just a little behind on Angie's Right Where I am Project, but here I am exactly 2 years, 7 months, and 2 weeks out with my son Liam and 1 year, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days out with my daughter Evelynn.

I love my son. I miss my son. He is my little buddy. He will always have a special place in my heart being my first born. It has been a long time since I have sat and thought about what life would be like had he lived. I also rarely get saddened by the sight of a 2 1/2 year old little boy. Since my rainbow died as well I don't know if I would be in this same place or not. My life would obviously be a lot different right now if I had my toddler aged daughter keeping me on my toes. But as of right now I am still stuck in this spot of trying to be happy and hopeful for my second son, who will be born in about 6 weeks with the help of my gestational carrier, and heavy grief with a whole lot of anger for my daughter, with a big ole pile of scared to death that this baby will die as well on top.

I go through periods still, in one right now, where I lay in bed at night and can't sleep because my thoughts are filled with anger for the little girl that should be here. I lay there and can't think of anything else but how mad I am. No one is around to hear me if I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but instead I just lay there and scream in silence. Sometimes I even make fists and punch the bed a few times. I look at my Liam and Evelynn Molly Bears and a few tears form. Rarely do I ever full on bawl my eyes out anymore. Eventually I fall asleep. I can still hardly look at her pictures without some form of anger coming with it. She is so beautiful, perfect, loved, and missed. I love Liam and I already have so much love for my coming son, but I am so still so MAD. I have always wanted a daughter and she DIED and I. am. PISSED!

I had a lot of regret after Liam died about the fetal surgery and what a huge mistake it was. To this day I still regret getting that surgery, I just don't beat myself up about it as much as I once did. What is here is still a whole lot of anger, and maybe its just that my regret turned to anger, is that because of the fetal surgery my daughter died too. I suppose the biggest difference in my grief between my daughter and my son, and of course my being scared to death about my coming son and the future, is that I didn't just lose my daughter, I lost all chance of having any joy in pregnancy and possibly the chance of having anymore biological children, especially carried by myself.

My son, who we have already named Max is on his way, as I said in about 6 weeks, and almost daily I think about getting pregnant again or how we can ever come up with the money to do IVF and get another gestational carrier. I contemplate the costs of me being on hospital bed rest for numerous weeks to a couple months versus the total cost of another carrier pregnancy. I think about the kind of grief, regret, and anger I would have against myself if I lost another baby. What kind of mother would I be to purposely put my life at risk? What if died too? But what if it all worked out, for once. I want more than one living child. I wish these thoughts could rest and I could put my energy into getting everything finished for Max and just being happy for him arriving alive and healthy, but I guess that's the reality of my screwed up baby loss mind of mine. Plus, sometimes its just easier to think about something else. If I think to hard I catch myself in an ugly spiral of all the ways the world could decide to take Max from me as well. You know the show a 1000 ways to die. I feel like know to much about the 1000 ways that babies can die.

I wouldn't say I hate pregnant women or loathe the sight of babies anymore, but I am stuck in this place where I often catch myself just staring at them in jealousy for what I don't have and many never be again.

I still try to do things that help me feel closer to them. It comes in the form of adding butterflies to Max's nursery to represent them, hanging their pictures up, and even seeing a Medium. It's about bringing me comfort. So what I am saying is that I am okay. There is still a lot things in life that bring me joy. I have lived with grief for long enough. It is a part of my life. It has changed me. I accept it for what it is, whether I like it or not. It is here with me always. When the sun is shining, when I am working in my garden, when I am laying in bed at night, when I am out on a hike. It is with me and it is all because I had the chance to know and love these 2 amazing little people. It is here with me because of them. They are my babies and I love them. I don't wish it was gone but I sure with they were both here. If that even makes sense.


  1. It makes perfect sense. We grieve because we love.

    Wishing you continued bits and pieces of peace - however they make their way to you.

  2. I think it all makes sense, too. Horrible, logical sense.

    I feel like you missing Evelynn specifically has to be tied to even more grief other than losing two children in 2 years-- it's more than that. Like you said, it's the obvious of losing on all of those memories, dreams, wishes, that girl you always wanted, but it's knowing that losing her meant losing your potential ability to ever endure pregnancy maybe or to endure it with ease.

    If I'm still angry about Andrew dying, I definitely can see why you would (and should!) be angry about Liam and Evelynn dying. I'm impressed you don't cringe at the sight of pregnant women or little kids... I still do.

    Of course I wish you peace in these next 6 weeks and seriously hope with everything in me that Max will come home happy and healthy. Got your back, friend. Not that there's a lot of weight in that, but I seriously think it's time things turned a corner... even if it means missing your sweet babies forever. That's expected. :/

  3. It's good to see that you're in an okay place right now.... I'm the same way, I live with grief, it's a part of me, but it doesn't consume me (most of the time!) It's great that you can still find the joy in things!
    I come back every so often to see how you're doing, and still think about you and your sweet angels lots! I love the Max updates, and will be so happy for you when you get to bring him home! That baby doesn't know the magnitude of love that is felt for him... all over the continent!
    Sending hugs as always!


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