It started with my counseling appt. last Tuesday. I left upset, again. It's not that she said anything that ticked me off, its just sometimes I go into these appts. in a good mood and hate it when I leave crying and upset. The crying is because we have talked about Liam and I just cry a lot when we talk about him. I just don't think its good to leave feeling worse then before I went in. I called today and cancelled my appt. for tomorrow. I hate to stop going because I feel there is a lot of good that comes out of me going but maybe I just need a break from it for a week or two.
Thursday I had my appt. with the Perinatologist that I mentioned the other day that got me on the worried side.
Friday night I went to my breastfeeding class. I got a lot of good information from it, and glad I went, but felt like such a failure all at the same time. I was a little nervous going into it since I still seem to have a hard time around other pregnant women and wasn't sure how I'd handle it. I was so shaky at the beginning and even started sweating from nervousness.
We went around the room and introduced ourselves, which I guess I did okay with. It was short and sweet and about all I could get out, "My name is Becky and I want to learn some tips on breastfeeding and baby will be here in about 8 weeks."
When that was over the instructor put in a video about how mdicated vs. unmedicated births vs. having a c-section affects newborns and suckling. I could not handle it at all. The tears started running down my face as soon as I saw that little baby being placed on its mommas chest and how quickly he/she started searching for the boob. As the video went on and on the tears came more and more and I just had to turn toward Dereck and not watch. I also didn't want anyone else to see my crying. All I could think about is Liam and all I missed out on with him.
After the video questions were asked about milk coming in and what not and I thought more about Liam and what it felt like to have your milk come in but not having a baby to feed. Instead you suffer with the pain of not only the loss of your baby but also the fact your boobs hurt and are leaking.
About an hour into the class I started calming down a little but I felt like such a failure, glad this is the only class I planned on taking.
We came home Friday night to realize our house is leaking more in a new area in the garage, so on Saturday we had to rip up the rest of the flooring in the nursery and spare bedroom and now everything from those rooms that I didn't put in our bedroom is now in our dining room area. Our house is a disaster and it is all just stressing me out. I am trying to have a good head about things and keep telling myself it could be worse, that the only thing that matters is that baby girl is healthy, but it is really wearing on me. Saturday night I went to a dinner with a friend and then went to the movie The Vow. As I said I have been nonstop emotional and by the time I got to the car after the movie I bawled my eyes out the whole way home.
After this past week I am starting to get nervous about my baby shower now for fear I will just start crying in the middle of it. Granted these people know me and know my story but sometimes I wish I could just shut off my emotions.