Monday, March 5, 2012


It started with my counseling appt. last Tuesday. I left upset, again. It's not that she said anything that ticked me off, its just sometimes I go into these appts. in a good mood and hate it when I leave crying and upset. The crying is because we have talked about Liam and I just cry a lot when we talk about him. I just don't think its good to leave feeling worse then before I went in. I called today and cancelled my appt. for tomorrow. I hate to stop going because I feel there is a lot of good that comes out of me going but maybe I just need a break from it for a week or two.

Thursday I had my appt. with the Perinatologist that I mentioned the other day that got me on the worried side.

Friday night I went to my breastfeeding class. I got a lot of good information from it, and glad I went, but felt like such a failure all at the same time. I was a little nervous going into it since I still seem to have a hard time around other pregnant women and wasn't sure how I'd handle it. I was so shaky at the beginning and even started sweating from nervousness.
We went around the room and introduced ourselves, which I guess I did okay with. It was short and sweet and about all I could get out, "My name is Becky and I want to learn some tips on breastfeeding and baby will be here in about 8 weeks."
When that was over the instructor put in a video about how mdicated vs. unmedicated births vs. having a c-section affects newborns and suckling. I could not handle it at all. The tears started running down my face as soon as I saw that little baby being placed on its mommas chest and how quickly he/she started searching for the boob. As the video went on and on the tears came more and more and I just had to turn toward Dereck and not watch. I also didn't want anyone else to see my crying. All I could think about is Liam and all I missed out on with him.
After the video questions were asked about milk coming in and what not and I thought more about Liam and what it felt like to have your milk come in but not having a baby to feed. Instead you suffer with the pain of not only the loss of your baby but also the fact your boobs hurt and are leaking.
About an hour into the class I started calming down a little but I felt like such a failure, glad this is the only class I planned on taking.

We came home Friday night to realize our house is leaking more in a new area in the garage, so on Saturday we had to rip up the rest of the flooring in the nursery and spare bedroom and now everything from those rooms that I didn't put in our bedroom is now in our dining room area. Our house is a disaster and it is all just stressing me out. I am trying to have a good head about things and keep telling myself it could be worse, that the only thing that matters is that baby girl is healthy, but it is really wearing on me. Saturday night I went to a dinner with a friend and then went to the movie The Vow. As I said I have been nonstop emotional and by the time I got to the car after the movie I bawled my eyes out the whole way home.

After this past week I am starting to get nervous about my baby shower now for fear I will just start crying in the middle of it. Granted these people know me and know my story but sometimes I wish I could just shut off my emotions.


  1. Not that I'm necessarily right, but I don't think you should leave a counseling appt. feeling worse than when you got there-- even if you were talking about Liam. I feel like you should be leaving with renewed strength and maybe re-hashing your emotions about Liam at this point in your pregnancy is not conducive to your emotional growth? I have no idea, but I know that it would be hard for me to want to return if I left feeling sad and defeated.

    As for the b-feeding class... omg. I'm so sorry. We all know that feeling of milk coming in but not having a baby to feed. It's one of the worst physical/emotional connections we all experienced after the death of our children. It's so, so hard.

  2. I def. agree with Brandy! The breastfeeding class video sounds tough to watch, especially with what you've been through.

    One of the most traumatizing things on Earth was when my milk came in and I had no baby. It felt horrible and shameful even though there is obviously nothing to be ashamed of.

    I know what you mean about feeling like you might cry during your baby shower-- luckily mine was a cyber shower but still. If you do start to cry, at least you are with the loving and supportive friends and family that can make you feel better. Hoping for the best for you, as always. :)

  3. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. This is all so darn emotional, I know! How brave of you to go to that class!! And take a little break from counseling if needed. It may be a lot to handle while pg... I still talk to my counselor but I'm talking ore about anxiety with new baby and how it relates to my grief.

    Thank u for your insight about the steroid shot... Gives me good questions to ask my MFM tomorrow. Will let y'all know what he says.

  4. Oh my...I remember that video from the breastfeeding class I took while pregnant with Addison. I can totally see how hard it would be to watch it after what we have been through. I think not being able to breastfeed was one of the hardest things to work through. I wanted to so badly. Another insult to injury type of scenario!

    I think taking a break from therapy is a good idea, you go when YOU need it and not when it is just part of the routine AND makes you sad. Don't need anything extra to drag us down!

    Such a bummer about the leak. It's always something, isn't it?!?

  5. Becky, I've taken a break the past few months from counseling sessions. I would leave them feeling better but it was an emotional drive to the appointment and an hour of crying. Do what feels right for you. I will likely go more the end of April/May as I anticipate some anxiety at the end of my pregnancy. I applaud you for being able to go to the BF class. I went to one when pregnant with Leia so not going this time. I just can't bare the thought of sitting in a room with other pregnant ladies. I am not taking any classes. My hubs and I have discussed taking a few after our LO gets here but that is a maybe. Sorry about the leak and hoping things get better for you. Hugs, Shelly

  6. ((hugs)) i've learned that in grief something that brings me comfort one moment may feel like a weight pulling me under the next. so i think it's perfectly normal to feel like you need a break from counseling. during my pg i felt like i needed a big break from fb. every time i was on there i got triggered. so i deactivated my acct. i think the increase in hormones during pg leaves us a bit more susceptible to triggers. and that's ok, but we just have to make adjustments to what we are doing to make sure we don't keep being triggered.

    i'm sorry about the bf class. i understand your feelings though. i'm glad i took it when i was pg with Julius, because i would not have been able to go during this pg. i too have a hard time being around pg people (still). and i remember vividly being so engorged when he passed away, and all of those memories we shared while bf-ing. i too think i would have cried during that class. so i think you are totally normal for being emotional.

    just a few more weeks! i'm so excited for you.

  7. I remember sobbing my way through our baptism class for Claudia...she was already born, but the instructor was telling us baptism had gotten a "bad rap" as a "way to get into heaven" which isn't what it truly is. He went on to explain we can get our baby baptized whenever we want, that if something happened to that little baby before he/she was baptized OF COURSE the baby would go to heaven... I just lost it and tears were running down my face. The priest local to the hospital where we had Curtis (we didn't have a "home" church) had refused to come to the hospital to baptize Curtis because he was already dead (we did find someone else, hospital chaplin for a little service). The poor instructor didn't know what to do, he saw me, but was leading this class... afterwards we spoke to him and explained. He was so great, reassuring me that the priests at this church WOULD have come, WOULD have baptized Curtis... I don't know. Sitting in those classes can be such a nightmare.

  8. That class must have been so hard... I tear up whenever I see a newborn anywhere and I've only been through a fraction of what you've been through. It's amazing that you have 8 weeks to go and I hope time flies in a pleasant way. Your friends and family will surely understand if you get a little teary at your baby shower... happy and sad tears are so understandable. Love to you always xoxo

  9. You need to do what is best for you. I know that we do not always know what that is, but you are the only one that can protect your heart. That is one thing I have learned through all of this. Sending you lots of love.

  10. I think you've received a lot of really great feedback and advice from the other mums up above. I think it's most important that you do what makes you feel good.. So if you taking a few weeks off from counseling to sort your emotions out, then do that.. If you find you miss it or need it urgently, I'm sure you can book a last-minute session.

    I'm sorry that video was so hard. I took a class during my pregnancy with Jack and won't be repeating it. I plan to rely hard on the lactation consultant at my hospital for support and direction since it's one thing to "learn" about it and another to apply it practically with a baby wiggling (please?) in your arms.


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