New Years- Last year New Years was a sad, yet hopeful time. I had thought a lot about how just a year earlier we were in San Francisco awaiting the New Year in which Liam would be getting fetal surgery. We were so full of hope. 2011 definitely wasn't how we envisioned it. Then I got pregnant with my daughter, hope was returning, but I wished more than anything that my son could be here. Last year I had made a different sort of New Years resolution. It wasn't about trying to lose weight or eat healthier. Instead it was just that even though I was intensely grieving my son that I was going to try to be the best mom that I could be to my little girl. Ugh! Here we are again. Another year has ended with 2012 proving to not be what I expected it to be either. I don't know what to think of 2013. Right now I would say I am hopeful, but I am also incredibly scared to be too optimistic for the fear of getting my heart stomped on again, especially right at the end. 2013 please be better to us than the last couple years have been. Actually, maybe I should make a New Year's resolution to get caught up on my old blog posts and be more consistent with blogging. Also to finish all of the projects I want to do for Liam and Evelynn. That sounds pretty good.
I Believe Contest- We did not win the "I Believe" video contest for free IVF. I want to thank all of you that voted for us though. We did make it into the top 10, but the judges from the Sher Institute and the winners of last years contest did not pick ours. That is okay though, the winners well deserved to win. Free IVF would have been nice, but the Sher Institute is not the fertility clinic we have been working with, and so if we would have won, we would've had to switch clinics and start over. Or use them as a back up clinic if our cycle fails.
Getting Pregnant Again- I wrote in my last post that we ended up going to my work Christmas party. After the party ended Dereck and I stayed up for another couple of hours and talked. We rarely talk about me ever getting pregnant again, but that night we did. As much as I want to get pregnant again and finally get the ending that I want, I keep holding out this hope that our carrier will have twins for us. Boy and girl twins that is, and then we will have at least two living children, and if we want more we could always try again or adopt. I am asking for a lot I know. He voiced his concerns that he doesn't ever want me to get pregnant again, ever! I have tried to think about how he must have felt both times I went into surgery with our babies, but all I really know is how I felt. He told me how scared he was both times and how horrible it is just to sit in a room wondering what's going on and if he will lose me and the baby. Even worse is the fact that he was alone both times. He was alone during the fetal surgery and then again when I went in for the emergency c-section. Then after everything had happened he tried to be strong for me. To this day I still feel like he did all the fighting for Evelynn. I was so upset and mad and exhausted from everything. Dereck was too, and yet he fought for her. He argued with the doctors to give her more time. He made so many of the decisions. I still wish I could've been their more for him. I know how scary it would be for me to go through another pregnancy, but now I know more of his feelings toward just how scared he would be as well.
New Job- I finally got around to getting another job. I love my main job and have been there for a little over 5 years now, but it is only part time. In the past I was always able to pick up a good amount of fill in shifts at other clinics so it was never much of an issue that I wasn't working full time. The plan was also that when we had kids I would most likely end up staying at home with them for a few years, and if I needed to work then my part time job was perfect to have. After Liam passed away I was kind of grateful that I wasn't working more hours than I was. I remember reading so many blog posts from other blm's talking about how they were heading back to their full time job and I wondered how the heck they were able to handle full time when I cried the majority of my first weeks back, and I was only working around 24-30 hours. On top of the crying, grieving is just exhausting, and so between that and working I was so tired. As time went on I considered trying to get more fill in work again, but was so scared of starting a new job with new people, new equipment, and new work protocols. What if people asked if I had kids? What if there were tons of pregnant people there? What if I had a bad day and couldn't stop crying? What would people say? What would I say? I had enough of these questions at my present job and those people new me and my situation. I then got pregnant with Evelynn and we all know what happened from their. I was scared again about getting another job, but I knew I eventually needed to because as I've said before, getting a gestational carrier isn't cheap. I have been working at this job for about a month and a half now and things are going fairly well. It is not a lot of hours, but every little bit helps. Only one person there really knows my story and that is the guy that helped me get the job there. People have asked if I have kids and so far I just say no. I still hate saying no, but it is what it is. Hopefully in the months ahead I will be able to share with everyone the birth(s) of our baby(s). Then we can get into it, as I suppose people will be curious about how I didn't look pregnant nor did I adopt, but yet I have a newborn.