May- Part 1: My Anger

I had started this post quite a few days ago because I had still just been so angry and really needed a place to vent. I feel that their will always be this part of me that will always have a hard time from April 22nd(Evelynn's birthday through about May 16th(The day we buried Liam and Evelynn on, one year apart from one another). May had not started out well for me, although a lot has changed since I first started this post, and it seems to be slowly getting better.

Here a few of the bigger things that I let get to me.

-One of the first things that really got to me were a few comments from people that read my blog and felt the need to criticize me for "what my son is going to think if he ever reads my blog about how I cried and was disappointed when I found out he was a boy."

Let me clarify. Yes, I did want another girl. I have always wanted a daughter, not to mention I just lost my daughter. I also wanted another boy after I lost Liam. Doesn't mean I don't love any of my children any more or less. Plus, you can't honestly tell me I am the first person who has ever felt a little disappointed-the only difference is their children probably all have lived and they have never had to truly no what it's like to grieve that loss. Plus, I beat myself up enough about this already. I don't need more reasons to get angry and down on myself.

-Then their is the people that feel the need to tell me I shouldn't bother with trying to breastfeed my son when he is born. That it is a lot of work and time to bring my milk back and I have enough stressing me out, so why add another thing. That I should just be happy he is alive and quit trying to doing everything.

Well people you all piss me off. I have lost so much already when it comes to having a baby I want at least this one thing. Yes, the important thing is that he is healthy, but if you know anything at all about breastfeeding you would know that breastmilk is one of the healthiest things you can give your baby, and if I can give my baby the best, I want to do it. Then their is that unbelievable bond that grows between you and your child when you breastfeed them. I want to do as much as I can for my children.

-I think my favorite is the people that feel the need to complain to me about being pregnant, some even before they are pregnant!

Okay, seriously think, think, think, think, think about it! Do you really think I am someone who wants to listen to somebody else complain about morning sickness. If that is your only issue, I am beyond jealous. How about hearing your baby has a birth defect and then get fetal surgery only to learn that he died. Or go through a pregnancy grieving one child while fearing the day your uterus will rupture or something else goes wrong, only to have that child die in the end as well. Ugh! I think one of my favorites next to that is people telling me they are scared of labor. I would love to be able to have a baby vaginally. Painful, probably, but I'll never know. You know what I do know though? Pain and lots of lots of sadness. And I'll tell you the emotional is a thousand times worse than the physical. If I am lucky I may be able to deliver a healthy baby via c-section one day, but venturing down that road again, well that is something to be frightened about. And plus, I seriously don't even like hearing happy news. A friend, not a super close one, but a friend, just had her baby the other day. Am I happy for her, yes. Did I bawl my eyes out when I heard the news, yes. Did I still send her a "congrats",  yes. Do I want to go visit her and the baby, no. I am glad I am not hearing more sad news, but I am still super jealous of all these people.

-I get a lot of people that ask how I handle it being so far away from Jessica, which is fine. I don't mind talking about the prengancy and how things are going with it. What gets me though is the people that don't understand why I would want to get back to MN/ND to be closer to Jessica the last weeks of pregnancy versus just waiting until I hear they think the baby will be coming soon.

Honestly I kind of like it that we are so separated by distance. Pregnancy stresses me out and sometimes the not knowing is the best thing. Plus, Jessica is amazing in that she tells me when their is something I need to know and answers my questions when I am worried and need to know things are okay.The whole out of sight, out of mind thing is really good for me right now. Saying that though, you also have to remember that I lost my daughter at 36 weeks and 2 day. I can't say for sure how I am going to feel as time draws closer to that week of pregnancy, but I can tell you I don't think sitting at home and trying to get through my normal day to day activities is going to work for me. Nothing is set yet but right now we are thinking I would go back to the MN/ND about 34 weeks. I don't plan to be all annoying and breathing down her neck every minute of every day in those last weeks, but Alaska isn't a quick or cheap flight if something happens, and I don't want to miss it. I know that many that mention these types of things to me don't understand it because they are the ones that haven't experienced what I have. They don't know babyloss and they surely don't know what it's like to have someone else carry your baby.They are the ones that think pregnancy is so easy and there is nothing to worry about and yaddi yaddi yaddi, but that is not how I see it. No way am I gonna sit around waiting for a call and then try to pick up and leave last minute.

-Here is the BIG ONE, the one that has really bothered me. This one all revolves my anger and blame with how we were treated the night my uterus ruptured.

    
I blamed myself for what happened with Liam for a long time. Slowly overtime I have become more at peace with it. With Evelynn I still struggle with the blame game. I blamed myself for a long time, but lately more so at the hospital. I have been sharing my story more and more with people, and it seems the more I share it, the more I hear people ask me if we went after the hospital for making us wait. I was definitely mad at triage, still am, when I first called when I started having those horrible abdominal pains. I was told to call them first before ever going in, but got told by the person who answered that they were too busy and that they would call me back. I kick myself still that if I should've just left immediately for the hospital verses sitting around waiting for that call, which by the way came sometime after we were already at that hospital. Wouldn't the right thing to have been to have just told me to go straight to the hospital? Then there is when we arrived at the hospital and got to triage. I am in a wheelchair, barely able to sit up, telling them I am in a lot of pain, but get told that they are busy right now and I need to wait. I don't know what it is normally like in triage, as I had never been there before, but assumed if someone came in in horrible pain they would get put ahead. But maybe lots of women come in complaining about horrible pains and it is normally nothing. It wasn't until I thought my water broke, which was actually blood from my uterus rupturing, for them to be like "oh, we better get you back to a room." Things moved fast from their and a lot of it I don't remember, but I do I remember being in so much as they were trying to rip my clothes off me and at the same time get an u/s. They were telling me that they can't find a heartbeat, then finally deciding they better call an Ob dr., and yet still talking about just making me have a vaginal delivery, even after we told them that I am never supposed to go into labor, let alone have a regular delivery. I don't know if this is considered negligence on the staff's behalf but I have been thinking about all of this so much lately and it has only added to my anger. It's the what if's.

I know of numerous people in my uterine rupture group who have filed lawsuits against the hospitals after they had their ruptures. I have never beenthe "sue happy type". I work in the medical field and understand that we are all only human, and humans make mistakes, even doctors sometimes. In my case I think the surgeon did a great job. When the she finally showed up they got Evelynn out immediately, I lost very little blood, and she savedmy uterus. My issues are with the staff though. I guess I just feel that they didn't act as promptly as they should've. Am I wrong to be this stressed and angry at the hospital staff. I don't think they were purposefully trying to ignore my concerns, but I also get super nervous thinking about future pregnancies, if that were to ever happen with me, or even other women that come in(or try to call) and have serious issues going on, and get told to just wait. I looked into lawyers right away, just thinking even talking to someone about what happened to see what they have to say about it, but haven't actually talked to anyone yet. As I said above I am actually started to feel better and my anger has for the most part subsided for now, so I feel like maybe I should jsut leave it alone. I don't know. I am even going in for my yearly with my Ob at the beginning of June and thinking I may bring up my concerns with her.

-Most of all I am annoyed with myself.

Annoyed that I let so much of these comments and my anger run my life. I let everything get to me. I wish I could just learn to let things be, but when it comes to my babies and loss, it doesn't come easy.