Wednesday, May 15, 2013

May- Part 1: My Anger

I had started this post quite a few days ago because I had still just been so angry and really needed a place to vent. I feel that their will always be this part of me that will always have a hard time from April 22nd(Evelynn's birthday through about May 16th(The day we buried Liam and Evelynn on, one year apart from one another). May had not started out well for me, although a lot has changed since I first started this post, and it seems to be slowly getting better.

Here a few of the bigger things that I let get to me.

-One of the first things that really got to me were a few comments from people that read my blog and felt the need to criticize me for "what my son is going to think if he ever reads my blog about how I cried and was disappointed when I found out he was a boy."

Let me clarify. Yes, I did want another girl. I have always wanted a daughter, not to mention I just lost my daughter. I also wanted another boy after I lost Liam. Doesn't mean I don't love any of my children any more or less. Plus, you can't honestly tell me I am the first person who has ever felt a little disappointed-the only difference is their children probably all have lived and they have never had to truly no what it's like to grieve that loss. Plus, I beat myself up enough about this already. I don't need more reasons to get angry and down on myself.
-Then their is the people that feel the need to tell me I shouldn't bother with trying to breastfeed my son when he is born. That it is a lot of work and time to bring my milk back and I have enough stressing me out, so why add another thing. That I should just be happy he is alive and quit trying to doing everything.

Well people you all piss me off. I have lost so much already when it comes to having a baby I want at least this one thing. Yes, the important thing is that he is healthy, but if you know anything at all about breastfeeding you would know that breastmilk is one of the healthiest things you can give your baby, and if I can give my baby the best, I want to do it. Then their is that unbelievable bond that grows between you and your child when you breastfeed them. I want to do as much as I can for my children.

-I think my favorite is the people that feel the need to complain to me about being pregnant, some even before they are pregnant!

Okay, seriously think, think, think, think, think about it! Do you really think I am someone who wants to listen to somebody else complain about morning sickness. If that is your only issue, I am beyond jealous. How about hearing your baby has a birth defect and then get fetal surgery only to learn that he died. Or go through a pregnancy grieving one child while fearing the day your uterus will rupture or something else goes wrong, only to have that child die in the end as well. Ugh! I think one of my favorites next to that is people telling me they are scared of labor. I would love to be able to have a baby vaginally. Painful, probably, but I'll never know. You know what I do know though? Pain and lots of lots of sadness. And I'll tell you the emotional is a thousand times worse than the physical. If I am lucky I may be able to deliver a healthy baby via c-section one day, but venturing down that road again, well that is something to be frightened about. And plus, I seriously don't even like hearing happy news. A friend, not a super close one, but a friend, just had her baby the other day. Am I happy for her, yes. Did I bawl my eyes out when I heard the news, yes. Did I still send her a "congrats",  yes. Do I want to go visit her and the baby, no. I am glad I am not hearing more sad news, but I am still super jealous of all these people.

-I get a lot of people that ask how I handle it being so far away from Jessica, which is fine. I don't mind talking about the prengancy and how things are going with it. What gets me though is the people that don't understand why I would want to get back to MN/ND to be closer to Jessica the last weeks of pregnancy versus just waiting until I hear they think the baby will be coming soon.

Honestly I kind of like it that we are so separated by distance. Pregnancy stresses me out and sometimes the not knowing is the best thing. Plus, Jessica is amazing in that she tells me when their is something I need to know and answers my questions when I am worried and need to know things are okay.The whole out of sight, out of mind thing is really good for me right now. Saying that though, you also have to remember that I lost my daughter at 36 weeks and 2 day. I can't say for sure how I am going to feel as time draws closer to that week of pregnancy, but I can tell you I don't think sitting at home and trying to get through my normal day to day activities is going to work for me. Nothing is set yet but right now we are thinking I would go back to the MN/ND about 34 weeks. I don't plan to be all annoying and breathing down her neck every minute of every day in those last weeks, but Alaska isn't a quick or cheap flight if something happens, and I don't want to miss it. I know that many that mention these types of things to me don't understand it because they are the ones that haven't experienced what I have. They don't know babyloss and they surely don't know what it's like to have someone else carry your baby.They are the ones that think pregnancy is so easy and there is nothing to worry about and yaddi yaddi yaddi, but that is not how I see it. No way am I gonna sit around waiting for a call and then try to pick up and leave last minute.

-Here is the BIG ONE, the one that has really bothered me. This one all revolves my anger and blame with how we were treated the night my uterus ruptured.
I blamed myself for what happened with Liam for a long time. Slowly overtime I have become more at peace with it. With Evelynn I still struggle with the blame game. I blamed myself for a long time, but lately more so at the hospital. I have been sharing my story more and more with people, and it seems the more I share it, the more I hear people ask me if we went after the hospital for making us wait. I was definitely mad at triage, still am, when I first called when I started having those horrible abdominal pains. I was told to call them first before ever going in, but got told by the person who answered that they were too busy and that they would call me back. I kick myself still that if I should've just left immediately for the hospital verses sitting around waiting for that call, which by the way came sometime after we were already at that hospital. Wouldn't the right thing to have been to have just told me to go straight to the hospital? Then there is when we arrived at the hospital and got to triage. I am in a wheelchair, barely able to sit up, telling them I am in a lot of pain, but get told that they are busy right now and I need to wait. I don't know what it is normally like in triage, as I had never been there before, but assumed if someone came in in horrible pain they would get put ahead. But maybe lots of women come in complaining about horrible pains and it is normally nothing. It wasn't until I thought my water broke, which was actually blood from my uterus rupturing, for them to be like "oh, we better get you back to a room." Things moved fast from their and a lot of it I don't remember, but I do I remember being in so much as they were trying to rip my clothes off me and at the same time get an u/s. They were telling me that they can't find a heartbeat, then finally deciding they better call an Ob dr., and yet still talking about just making me have a vaginal delivery, even after we told them that I am never supposed to go into labor, let alone have a regular delivery. I don't know if this is considered negligence on the staff's behalf but I have been thinking about all of this so much lately and it has only added to my anger. It's the what if's.

I know of numerous people in my uterine rupture group who have filed lawsuits against the hospitals after they had their ruptures. I have never beenthe "sue happy type". I work in the medical field and understand that we are all only human, and humans make mistakes, even doctors sometimes. In my case I think the surgeon did a great job. When the she finally showed up they got Evelynn out immediately, I lost very little blood, and she savedmy uterus. My issues are with the staff though. I guess I just feel that they didn't act as promptly as they should've. Am I wrong to be this stressed and angry at the hospital staff. I don't think they were purposefully trying to ignore my concerns, but I also get super nervous thinking about future pregnancies, if that were to ever happen with me, or even other women that come in(or try to call) and have serious issues going on, and get told to just wait. I looked into lawyers right away, just thinking even talking to someone about what happened to see what they have to say about it, but haven't actually talked to anyone yet. As I said above I am actually started to feel better and my anger has for the most part subsided for now, so I feel like maybe I should jsut leave it alone. I don't know. I am even going in for my yearly with my Ob at the beginning of June and thinking I may bring up my concerns with her.

-Most of all I am annoyed with myself.

Annoyed that I let so much of these comments and my anger run my life. I let everything get to me. I wish I could just learn to let things be, but when it comes to my babies and loss, it doesn't come easy.


  1. Wow! Although I would like to say the heartless and thoughtless comments you've received from some people surprises me, unfortunately I cannot say I'm surprised.

    I actually didn't know it was possible to bring milk back! I think that's an amazing gift to give Max, and if you're up for blogging about the process I'd be fascinated to read about it.

    Comments about the whole gender thing are just ignorant. I completely agree with you about everybody thinking at some point or another "Oh I wish the gender was this or that," even if the thought was just fleeting. Seriously, who has not daydreamed about having a child of a specific gender? How could somebody doubt for a second your love for little Max? I know Max won't doubt it.

    And in other news, I sadly don't have any updates to share. :(

    1. I induced lactation for my son that was born via surrogacy and it IS an amazing experience! I got to nurse him as soon as he was born and checked out just as if I had delivered him.. It's definitely worth it and don't let anyone dissuade you! I blogged about it too in hopes that it would help someone else! Best of luck!

  2. I am sorry about the insensitive thoughts and comments you have been subjected to. Your anger and frustration is something I can more than relate to. From my perspective you are an amazing mother for all that you have done for your children and will continue to do ...

  3. I think it would be totally appropriate to ask your OB about your care in triage. As a nurse, I too understand that the medical system is not always perfect and that mistakes happen. BUT, that doesn't mean you don't deserve to have your questions answered or your concerns validated.

    I think one of the problems was that your primary complaint was pain. Pain is very non-specific and probably the MOST common complaint in OB triage. I don't know if this is standard practice at your OBs but what I did for my pregnancy with Kaia was have my OB put a chart together that described my heart condition and my pregnancy with Kaia and have it available in triage. That way, if something terrible had happened and I had to be brought in my ambulance then at least they had some info on me already. Perhaps your OB could consider doing that for patients who have high risk pregnancies.

  4. When I read your post about donating your breast milk after you lost your daughter, I was in awe of you. I could never have done that after I lost my son. I just wanted the milk to go away, as it was one more cruel reminder of all that I lost. I was in awe of your courage and strength during a time so difficult that I can't even imagine. When I read about you trying to get your milk back so that you can breastfeed this baby, I was in awe again. I can't believe people have been negative about this. You deserve nothing but support.

  5. My heart aches for you, Becky. I honestly don't understand how others can voice criticism to you, after all you have been though. It is truly maddening that people think hurtful things and feel the need to share. Furthermore, this blog is your place to vent, let it all out, and work through your emotions. It is for YOU! Those of us reading should be thankful you are sharing your deepest thoughts with us. The last thing you should have to think about is how others will react to what you say. I commend you for telling us how you felt. It was your initial raw emotion. And that probably wasn't easy to write about. But it was how you felt... And that is what this blog is for.

    Also, I so so so so so admire your desire to be able to breast feed Max! What a selfless act! You know it's best for him and want to do whatever you can, regardless of how difficult it could be to get it started. I support you one thousand percent. You will NEVER regret making that effort. It is such a bonding experience. You will love it more than you could ever expect.

  6. Oops... Submitted my comment before I was "done".

    Long story short, what you have been through sucks beyond description. No one else can judge you or your feelings unless they have been in your exact shoes... And I'm guessing no two stories are alike. Keep using your blog as you originally intended... For YOU! Keep up with your plan to breastfeed. And keep looking forward to the day you get to take your beautiful baby boy home. It's been a long stormy journey, and I can't wait to see your rainbow in the end.

    Love you!


  7. I can't believe people. I'm often surprised what kind of crap people have the nerve to say.

    I would be mad about all the things you listed as well. The ignorance of others shocks me. It really does.

  8. Oh Becky. There are lots of people I want to smack for you. Seriously, people are just idiots. WE ALL have gender issues after loss (hell, people have them regardless of having experienced a loss). What will Max think? I think he will think "holy shit, my parents went through hell to get me - I'm damn lucky" - and the breastmilk? I think it's AMAZING you are trying to do that - it's no cake walk when you don't have to stress about bringing it back, so just shows how much you are willing to do for you babies. You are amazing.

    I'm so sorry for the guilt and the stress of the what if's. They are maddening.

    Wishing you so much peace and love.

  9. Well, I will be in the same boat as you. After my son died and I got pregnant again, the day they told me it was a girl, I cried...I cried for the space in my heart that was for a little boy. I cried for the baby boy that I wouldn't have. And as time passed, I got used to the idea, I even bought some pink stuff. Do I feel guilty? NOPE...why? Because it's NORMAL.

    Also in regards to the breast milk, I don't know what wack jobs are commenting about not getting your supply up, but I for one was SO hoping that you would take this route. Given that you have a surrogate, it will be doubly important to be able to have this bond with Max (btw that is my middle sons name and I LOVE it!)- I believe you can do it, and I don't think it will be a waste of time at all!

    take care

  10. Don't listen to the haters, I don't understand why people feel they have to always be telling others what to do. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your baby. Seriously just ignor all those people, even the well meaning ones who are telling you not to breast feed, it's not their place, that is between you, your husband, your doctor and God, everyone else can keep their opinions to themselves and honestly you should start telling them too.
    I have never been pregnant, I have six adopted children, and I went through a hard time for awhile really being sad about not being able to get pregnant. Someone who I love dearly sent me a long message about who after having her third child it took them 3 1/2 years to get pregnant with their fourth, so she can understand how I feel about not being able to get pregnant. Well I lost it, cried for a week and then replied to her and just flat out told her she had no idea how I felt. I also went on to tell her that when she does get pregnant she needs to not complain to me or in front of me. I have also told others that as well. Unless someone has been where you are they don't understand what you are feeling or how their words are affecting you in an already difficult time so you have to tell them. Is it easy, no, but when you do I promise you will feel so much better, and at least in my case my relationships with these women have improved because I know longer grumble behind their backs about how insensitive they are when honestly they had no idea how upset it made me.
    You are so strong and anyone who knows your story has to see that. Keep being strong, doing what is best for your family, and know that there are so many people out there praying for you and your family, even people like me who have never met you, but I have come to love you through your blog and reading about your trials. Keep taking it one day at a time and just delete the negative and forget it, you don't need it.

  11. I read your blog regularly, and it is so heartbreaking. Just wanted to give you some support. I cannot wait for you to bring home your new baby boy, and you will be terrific parents. Don't let those comments bring you down - you have lost 2 babies and this new baby is so loved and so, so wanted. Way to go for doing all you can to give him the best start!

  12. Screw the insensitive people, Becky. They obviously don't understand. Was I disappointed when I found out Josh was a boy and not a girl? Yes...because I wanted a girl sooo badly, especially after Addie died. But, deep down, we all just wish for a healthy baby to take home, doesn't matter the sex.

    On the breast milk thing...I think you are awesome for even trying to induce lactation, but I'm sure the stress isn't helping. Take this with a grain of salt as I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice on the what you can, but if it doesn't happen don't feel as though you've failed Max. You're an awesome mom already, and if he doesn't get breast milk, it's okay. Today's formulas are so much better than they used to be. And, who's to say you wouldn't qualify to get breast milk from a milk bank.

    From the standpoint of someone who has been through and won a lawsuit, it's a long drawn out and expensive process. I think you should speak to your OB about the treatment you got that night. We all know that hindsight is 20/20 and as a previous commenter said, the OB triage nurses are used to dealing with typical pain complaints. However, your case should have been treated differently. I wonder if having a document signed by your OB stating all the complications, etc that you were at risk for would have made the situation better. Something that you could whip out when needed. Still, someone in severe pain who is pregnant should not have been treated so slowly as far as I'm concerned. Just remember, there may be a statute of limitations on when you can file a law suit, so if you think you're going to do it, you may want to do it soon.

    One last thing...remember you are an adult, you make your own decisions. Ignore the comments from the nasty people. This is YOUR space to write, vent, reflect and remember. Stay strong momma!

  13. If you ever get pregnant again, I would advise finding a doctor who totally understands what you have been through and your fears in your new pregnancy. Someone who is totally supportive of you and understands the kind of care you need, both physically and emotionally. But, most importantly, find a doctor who will give you his/her cell phone number so that if you are in pain you can call them directly and they can tell triage what to do with you. The people in triage were total bitches to me, too. They have a tendancy to underplay your condition. They sent me home when I was in active labor, saying, "it's your first, we'll see you next week. you don't know what pain is." When I came back two hours later, they were like, "you again." She grudgingly checked me and I was at 9 centimeters. Luckily for me, everything was fine for me. But those ladies have attitude. Tell your doctor and say you don't feel comfortable depending on their assessment of the situation. If I was your doctor, I would rush to you. You need someone like that. Good luck.

  14. I don't know you but I've followed your blog at least since you became pregnant with your little girl. I am sorry people are rude. Feelings are feelings rather people agree or not. You really can't control how you feel. You have been through a lot and I admire your ability to try again. Anger is normal let it happen. I hope you get your live baby this time.I hope you can breastfeed him. Do whats right for you and your child and ignore the haters out there. My daughter had a baby 19 months ago. Her good friend had a stillbirth that same day and has lost another full term baby since. She lived for a week and died of birth defects. I cannot imagine what you go through. Please know that people are thinking of you without judgment. Life is tough and you have suffered more than your share. Don't let them get you down. This is your blog for your heeling, writing is therapeutic keep it up. I enjoy your honesty even if its painful. Some people cant deal with honesty.

  15. Just wanted to add I haven't even once thought you were crazy, silly, or overreacting with anything you've shared here. You seem, on the contrary, incredibly sane, unbelievably together with all you've gone through. And I was so excited for you, that you're working to get your own milk in for little Max. It's a great idea, and a gift for both of you to share. I think all the pumping you did for Evelynn's milk will really help with that - another gift she gave you. I wish you so much love and happiness with Max, and continued love in the memories of Liam and Evelynn. To hell with the insensitive, clueless clowns!

  16. Becky, you have been through the worst of it all and I am shocked and upset that someone would come to your blog and criticize. It's just disgusting and that's exactly why I have so little faith in humanity oftentimes.

    Aside from that, there is so much I want to say about your post. I also get annoyed when people complain about being pregnant and morning sickness. I had terrible sickness but you are right, if that is someones WORST problem, then they are lucky.

    And finally the blame. It is horrible and it is one of those things I wish could go away for you (and me too). I always wonder about how life would be if I had just gone into the hospital at my first contraction instead of resting and hoping it would go away. I stupidly went to the ER and not L&D and they didn't send me to L&D for hours and hours and it was too late. Those things haunt me sometimes and while we do not have the same experience at all, I struggle with guilt too. I wish I had more advice but I mainly just try to push it out of my head when it gets tough.

    PS. I've heard many many stories of women being able to bring back lactation and breastfeed either months after baby is born or with a baby from a surrogate. I've heard it starts slow but it totally CAN be done! Whether you do it, or not, you're still a great mama and Max is lucky to have you already wanting the best for him :)

  17. I really do not understand why people feel the need to write on YOUR blog and criticize! It is so clear what a loving and wonderful Mama you are to all of your babies. xoxo

  18. you have every right to be upset/annoyed. grief is so personal. i'm still amazed when i hear people trying to tell me how i should think/feel about losing my son.

    we love you, and we are here for you. praying for baby boy's safe arrival.


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