When will it end. Emotionally this is one of the hardest months I have had in a long time. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm emotionless. I'm overly emotional. Life is great. I want to get hit by a bus or jump off a cliff. I'm grateful. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm tired. I've had enough. I need Xanax, cuz I think I am losing my mind.
Question for all you mommas out there who now have your babies. Does the jealousy ever end? Does it ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle listening to anyone talk about pregnancy stuff? Or will I always just sit there cringing and hoping they stop talking about it sooner than later?
This past weekend was nonstop babies and baby talk and it was killing me. I hate looking like the uncaring jerk who ignores all conversation when baby stuff comes up, but I want no part of it. It sucks. I hate being like this, but it really is all I can do to keep it together.
My triathalon was on Sunday. I finished and I made my goal, but man compared to most people doing it, I got schooled, and did not do well for my age group. But at least I tried, right?
This being a huge event, there was of course tons of families there, and like most large gatherings like this, I really started to lose it. The night before the race we had to drop our bikes off and all of our gear. I could not believe the amount of moms hauling their bikes in with their babies in their carriers. There was also a bunch of other moms with their daughters pushing their bikes in together. Seeing all of this brought tears to my eyes instantly. All I could think about was how if Evelynn or Liam were here they could be at the finish line with their dad cheering me on like all the other families. Then I thought about how in 7 more years, Evelynn would be 8, and if she wanted she could do this triathalon with me, but now I may never get the chance to ever do any of the mother daughter events:(. There are definitely lots of events that Max and I could do together as well, but their are so many women only events that I fear I will never get to share with a daughter. My daughter who is supposed to be here and I am so mad right now.
I went to my car after dropping everything off and I cried, and cried, and cried the whole drive over to the work gathering I needed to go to after.
Then their was race day and all the families and moms and daughters, but there were also women there who were pregnant. I seriously wanted to slap all of those women and yell at them and say, "what the hell is wrong with you?" There was a lady there doing it who was 9 months pregnant, huge. Maybe I am just more concerned because of what I have been through, but all I could think about is how could any doctor approve of her or any of them doing this. I get it, you're in fabulous shape, BUT all it takes is for you to lose your balance and fall and land on that belly. I could picture one of them going down and that uterus rupturing. Maybe its just me, but why would you put your babies life at risk like that. I guess I am just an overparanoid freak now about these things.
It also all just made me wonder if I would have done this had Evelynn lived, even Liam. I had a friend do it with me who had her baby shortly after I had Evelynn, not to mention there were tons of other women there with pretty young babies. I had wanted to do this tri for the past couples years, but having just lost both my children right before, it didn't seem too appealing. I'd like to think I would've done it had any of my babies lived, but I'll never know this since it hasn't happened yet. I really hope that Max and Dereck will be there at the finish line next year if I decide to do it again.
For tonight now I am going to meet up with my grief group lady, again. I have been talking with her a lot this month as my mental health is not doing so well.