Sunday, April 19, 2015

April

My baby girls 3rd birthday is in just a few days. Today I am feeling it; the sadness, the grief, my anger toward the world. Today it was set off by the fact that I went to a babies brunch. When will things like this not bring on so much pain? A bunch of our friends got together with all of our kids, well, except their were two missing. There is always going to be two missing, and I'm sure I am the only one who noticed. I hate that Liam should've been one of the oldest and Evelynn would be the same age as my friends boy, since we were pregnant together. Max is just in the middle since my other friends all have their little babies within a month of age from one another. I am feeling a lot of jealousy right now. If all goes well with the adoption, that baby will be just a month or two younger than another friend of mine who is due in June. I guess that's something, but I don't want to think about that since I know nothing is guaranteed in pregnancy.
On April 14th Dereck got a vasectomy. This might have been the wrong month to consider getting that done, but then all I can think about is, what if we accidentally did get pregnant? That would kind of suck since we are in the process of adopting. Although after seeing all the babies today it made me just want to cry that I'll never be pregnant again and never get the chance to see another one of my biological babies grow, especially not a daughter. Even though our chances are slim, it makes me want to just try anyway. The Dr. told Dereck there is a couple month window in which it could still be possible. I guess their is always the sperm we have cryopreserved too, but then it just goes back to just wanting to be out of that trying to conceive stage and be done already.
I guess, not much else to say. I just want to make it through this week as sane as possible.

8 comments:

  1. Thinking of you.

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  2. Wishing you peace and comfort this week. I remember the moment I read about sweet Evelynn's birth and death. I think of how terrible it is that she isn't here and get angry at the world alongside you. I understand the frustration of the vasectomy too. It's like, the choice to get pregnant was taken from you. Most people get a vasectomy under different circumstances (had plenty of healthy kids) at the END of the child-bearing journey. You're right in the middle of yours and your dh had to get it anyway. So unfair. Hoping the adoption process goes smoothely, of course.

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  3. I've been thinking a lot about Evelynn. I so wish she was here to be celebrated this week and always!

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  4. Oh friend. What a month. :/ I've been thinking a lot about Evelynn this month, knowing her birthday is coming quickly. Sending you so much love.

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  5. Sending you love. Holding Evelynn close to heart.

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  6. Thinking of you and sending love. And I saw a brunch photo on FB that you were tagged in and my very first thought was that there were two children missing in that picture. You're not alone in thinking and knowing that. xo

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  7. It's hard to believe that it's been three years since Evelynn was born. I can't imagine how hard this month is on you. Thinking of you <3

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  8. Thinking of you. I'm sorry that Liam and Evelynn aren't here with you. love ya.

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