Another First Gone By... Just A Few Firsts Remaining

Don't know what to say about Christmas really. I could talk forever about how I wish Liam could have been here celebrating another first, and how much I miss him, but that's what I wish for and feel everyday.

I was and am happy to be pregnant with Liam's little sister but was still for the most part just numb on Christmas. Christmas eve was better than Christmas day for sure, but we all know it could've been better. Did a little skiing, Dereck and I cooked our own little Christmas dinner for ourselves, opened our presents for each other, and went searching the town for Christmas lights. Christmas day I just felt tired and on the cranky side, my lack of sleep lately probably had more to do with that though. Sat around most of the day and that evening went to a friends Christmas dinner. Ate and talked a little with friends but for the most part didn't feel much like socializing. Normally I would have gone home to Minnesota to see family for Christmas but I wouldn't have been much fun, so a mellow Christmas with just Dereck is really all I needed and probably could have handled. And honestly I would love it if no one else felt the need to ask me about how my Christmas was.

However, I was so grateful for the ones that remembered him; blm's Sarita, Deanna, and Shauna "thank you." Also, a big thank you to Dereck's sister who sent me a picture of the ornament she added to her tree this year for Liam, it brought tears to my eyes and was the best gift ever. She also told me she had a talk with her little boy about Liam and how he was in heaven with the stars and angels. She said that he wished his baby cousin were here to play with but  since he is in heaven he gets to meet Superman's mom and dad. So sweet knowing that she thinks and talks about him:)

It is now the week leading up to the fetal surgery that took place just one year ago. A few weeks ago the anticipation for this time was eating away at me causing unnecessary panic of how I will get through this time. As with Christmas, right now I am just numb about the whole thing. I haven't been crying or dwelling on this time last year and where we were at like I thought I'd be, not that I have forgotten because I know exactly where we were each and every day; Christmas, baby shower, and then off to San Francisco for testing, meeting doctors, January 3rd, and so on. I am just lost in my own little world about it. Feel like I can't cry but don't really want to talk about it either. If that makes any sense at all. I still don't even know what to do for the big one year, his birthday, just 6 days away.