It is amazing how much my attitude and anxiety changes from one week to the next. Pregnancy after babyloss has as many ups and downs as the roller coaster that is grief. Since I have received those wonderful Quad screen results the other week I have definitely enjoyed being on the up. I have been feeling like Christmas might not be as bad as I imagined, still sad since my little guy isn't here to celebrate, but don't think I'll be curled up crying in a depressed state all day either.
In memory of Liam I decided to chose some names off the Salvation army tree this year. I can't believe I have never done that before, it felt good, really good. I really wanted to find one for an infant to 1 year old boy preferably named William or Liam. Couldn't find that so I got one tag that was for a little 1 year old boy named Harry and another for a 3 year old boy named William, and no I wasn't trying to chose the prince's names, it just happened that way. When I dropped off those gifts I noticed there were so many names still left on the tree at my work so I decided I had to get a few more gifts, and like I said it felt really, really good knowing I could at least put a smile on another child's face this holiday season.
I had another Ob visit yesterday and my little babe's heartbeat is still trucking along at a perfect 160 bpm. My Dr. even mentioned how much happier I have seemed these past few appts. compared to the nervousness/anxiety I brought to the first few appts. Getting good test results does that to you I guess. My only concern is that Dereck asked her about when we would be setting up the c-section date and she responded with telling us its too early for that but that she would like to try and wait until 39 weeks. That freaks me out considering the fetal surgery docs told me never to go into labor or past 38 weeks, ever. I understand my docs concern about making sure my baby is big and healthy but the idea of a uterine rupture (I know statistically the chances are on the lower end and she said I would be monitored closely, but I've heard all that before) or stillbirth (I know too many mommas who lost there babies around that 38-39 week mark) scares the crap out me. No need to worry about that now though.
Next Wednesday is my anatomy scan/level 2 u/s with the Perinatologist. Hoping and praying that these tests have been right and baby will be perfect. Also will find out if all my friends and Dereck are right and we are having a girl. I am definitely starting to feel like this has got to be a girl, but what do I know. Baby just be healthy please.
I thought I would share an awkward situation I had the other week in regards to my concern about getting asked the question of this pregnancy being my first.
Since I was so overjoyed about my Quad screen results. I bought my very first pair of maternity jeans. When I was trying the pants on I had asked the lady working there a few questions about how they should fit in regards to gaining weight in other areas besides the belly region because they fit perfectly now and was afraid if my thighs or butt got any bigger they would no longer fit. The lady asks me if this is my first child and I hated to do it but just wanted to avoid getting into the story that it was my second but didn't get to the point last pregnancy that I felt the need to buy maternity jeans, so I told her no. As I am checking out she starts asking me questions telling me that once she gets my info into their system I'll get all this enfamil and other baby related stuff in the mail. I kind of wanted to tell her that I didn't want that crap since I have kind of been down that road of receiving baby stuff before for a child that never got the chance to utilize any of it, but didn't. So I gave her my info and low be hold she says that I am already in there system and then asks me this stupid question, "Are you sure this isn't your first baby because I have a due date set for April 12th, 2011?" Oh fuck me I thought, I completely forgot I had bought one of those pant button extender things last winter. Plus, if I already told her it's my first why would she ask me if I'm sure. Hello lady put two and two together and realize I just don't want to talk about it right now. Felt ridiculous for lying to her and then getting caught in said lie. Maybe it really is just best to be honest about everything upfront to avoid situations like these.
Oh my goodness that sucks and I'm sorry you had to deal with the questions and awkwardness. Honestly that lady should have seen that you were in the system and kept her mouth shut, could that have been the first time in her career that someone has lost a baby? "Are you sure this isn't your first baby?" as if you would ever forget a baby. I do not blame you for not getting into Liam's story with a stranger and I'm sorry that the lady sort of backed you into a corner after finding out your info.
ReplyDeleteBUT! Congrats on the wonderful 18 week heartbeat!
I wish sometimes people would mind their own business...THAT would avoid situations like this! So sorry you had to go through that. Lots of love to you, I have been hoping that things have been feeling a little bit better. It's so hard to find ways to be truly blissful in pregnancy after loss.
ReplyDeleteYay for 18 weeks! :) I'm glad you've been feeling better since the quad results and hope each appointment keeps giving you good news. I definitely understand your concern on going past 38 weeks...I would just talk to the doctor in a month or so and tell her what you're more comfortable with. After all you've been through, she should try to accommodate you a bit. I'm sorry about that lady creating an awkward situation :(
ReplyDeleteThat's exciting about the anatomy scan! I hope it goes well. I can't wait to hear what the gender is; I know you guys must be excited to find out! Good luck next Wednesday :)
Looking forward to finding out whether Liam has a brother or a sister on the way. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate that you had the run-in with the lady at the store. That's brutal and I would have started crying instantly. :( I hate that she asked you whether you're sure ("well, I'm sure I don't want to talk about it). BAH. Even the dates she should have put 2 and 2 together. BAH.
Glad to hear baby is doing well. xox
Oh geez at that lady! Come on people! Ugh! Had a similar conversation at my maternity boutique but I dropped the bomb after a while and there was silence. So weird. You would think someone who has her job would have heard that a few times before. Can't wait to hear about ur anatomy scan!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. I'm pretty convinced that some people are completely oblivious to the fact that getting out of the first trimester doesn't guarantee a baby in 6 more months. Ugh! I'm sorry that happened.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad to hear you've been so chipper lately, and that baby is doing well! Yay!
Yes alot of people are naive and just dont think. I am glad your doing better and I cant wait to find out if it's a boy or girl. xo
ReplyDeleteGads, what a sucky situation. I understand that late miscarriages and stillbirths are "rare," but why does our society have to be so unaware that even medical people still say stupid things like that? Grrr.
ReplyDeleteI got two mailings of the same stuff from Motherhood Maternity - one while pregnant and one a couple of months after my loss - and nothing since. I wonder if the mailing will start again? I've heard others say they receive crap around the one year mark. Great. :|
I'll be thinking of all of you next week and pray for excellent news at the anatomy scan!
Very happy to know all is well. Wishing the best for you. Waiting for the news on whether it's a he or she :
ReplyDeleteLovely to hear that you're feeling less anxious about this pregnancy... those situations with sales assistants are so hard. I wish they wouldn't ask so many questions sometimes. Thinking of you for your anatomy scan :)) xoxo
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