It is amazing how much my attitude and anxiety changes from one week to the next. Pregnancy after babyloss has as many ups and downs as the roller coaster that is grief. Since I have received those wonderful Quad screen results the other week I have definitely enjoyed being on the up. I have been feeling like Christmas might not be as bad as I imagined, still sad since my little guy isn't here to celebrate, but don't think I'll be curled up crying in a depressed state all day either.
In memory of Liam I decided to chose some names off the Salvation army tree this year. I can't believe I have never done that before, it felt good, really good. I really wanted to find one for an infant to 1 year old boy preferably named William or Liam. Couldn't find that so I got one tag that was for a little 1 year old boy named Harry and another for a 3 year old boy named William, and no I wasn't trying to chose the prince's names, it just happened that way. When I dropped off those gifts I noticed there were so many names still left on the tree at my work so I decided I had to get a few more gifts, and like I said it felt really, really good knowing I could at least put a smile on another child's face this holiday season.
I had another Ob visit yesterday and my little babe's heartbeat is still trucking along at a perfect 160 bpm. My Dr. even mentioned how much happier I have seemed these past few appts. compared to the nervousness/anxiety I brought to the first few appts. Getting good test results does that to you I guess. My only concern is that Dereck asked her about when we would be setting up the c-section date and she responded with telling us its too early for that but that she would like to try and wait until 39 weeks. That freaks me out considering the fetal surgery docs told me never to go into labor or past 38 weeks, ever. I understand my docs concern about making sure my baby is big and healthy but the idea of a uterine rupture (I know statistically the chances are on the lower end and she said I would be monitored closely, but I've heard all that before) or stillbirth (I know too many mommas who lost there babies around that 38-39 week mark) scares the crap out me. No need to worry about that now though.
Next Wednesday is my anatomy scan/level 2 u/s with the Perinatologist. Hoping and praying that these tests have been right and baby will be perfect. Also will find out if all my friends and Dereck are right and we are having a girl. I am definitely starting to feel like this has got to be a girl, but what do I know. Baby just be healthy please.
I thought I would share an awkward situation I had the other week in regards to my concern about getting asked the question of this pregnancy being my first.
Since I was so overjoyed about my Quad screen results. I bought my very first pair of maternity jeans. When I was trying the pants on I had asked the lady working there a few questions about how they should fit in regards to gaining weight in other areas besides the belly region because they fit perfectly now and was afraid if my thighs or butt got any bigger they would no longer fit. The lady asks me if this is my first child and I hated to do it but just wanted to avoid getting into the story that it was my second but didn't get to the point last pregnancy that I felt the need to buy maternity jeans, so I told her no. As I am checking out she starts asking me questions telling me that once she gets my info into their system I'll get all this enfamil and other baby related stuff in the mail. I kind of wanted to tell her that I didn't want that crap since I have kind of been down that road of receiving baby stuff before for a child that never got the chance to utilize any of it, but didn't. So I gave her my info and low be hold she says that I am already in there system and then asks me this stupid question, "Are you sure this isn't your first baby because I have a due date set for April 12th, 2011?" Oh fuck me I thought, I completely forgot I had bought one of those pant button extender things last winter. Plus, if I already told her it's my first why would she ask me if I'm sure. Hello lady put two and two together and realize I just don't want to talk about it right now. Felt ridiculous for lying to her and then getting caught in said lie. Maybe it really is just best to be honest about everything upfront to avoid situations like these.