I always try to write a letter to Liam or even write a post on the third of every month, but I am a little late this month. The third of January was the one year anniversary of his birth and passing and I just couldn't bring myself to write anything about it until now. Although, I maybe didn't write anything on my blog but I did have many talks with Liam this past week so he knows he wasn't forgotten.
The anticipation for this time was definitely worse than the actual day. Sunday night January first, as I wrote in my post from that evening, was definitely the hardest night on me this past week. Monday (2nd) and Tuesday (3rd) were not so bad, not great, but not as heartwrenching as I figured they would be either.
For the longest time I couldn't figure out how to spend his birthday. Dereck had to go back to work on the Tuesday after Christmas and I didn't know if I wanted anyone else around or if I wanted to just be alone. I didn't feel much like talking to anyone that day but I also felt like being alone probably wasn't the healthiest thing for me to do either. Even though Dereck was working we talked on the phone as often as possible about Liam and his time with us both before and after the surgery and how we feel about everything now being a year later.
Sunday night I had came to the conclusion that for me cake, balloons, or going out and doing something wasn't right for me. I had wanted to do something that made me feel as close to Liam as possible and the thing that I figured would help me do that was to finally start scrapbooking his stuff.
By Monday afternoon I had everything from pictures of him and San Francisco to baby shower and sympathy cards to various items from babyloss moms and friends spread all over the living room. I even got out his memory box from the hospital. That brought up a lot of emotions looking through it though since I had not opened it for at least the past 6-8 months. Some of my greatest possessions, besides his pictures, are in that memory box; his layette from the hospital, his adorable little blue hat they had on him when they first handed him to me, and then there is the blanket that he was wrapped in after the surgery with spots of blood stains on it that will never be washed.
So that is how I spent my sweet little guys first birthday and the days surrounding it. It felt so good to finally make progress on his book. I can't believe it took me a whole year to start it. I am about five pages into it right now which includes "Yeah we're pregnant" through the start of "Our journey to San Francisco Begins". The hard part is next, and will be the biggest part of the scrapbook, for it will include everything from his passing through now. I figure I have another few weeks of working on it before it will be done, but really it'll never be truly finished as I am sure I'll always be finding things to add to it.
As far as my wish for him to be remembered on his birthday, I know that he was not forgetten about. I love each and everyone one of you who thought about him that day. I liked that people had asked me how I was managing that day but loved the people that posted on facebook, sent me text messages, and even called to say "Happy first birthday Liam". To see and hear others writing and saying his name followed by a happy birthday were the best parts of the day.
A good friend did come over for an hour that night just to sit with me and see how I was doing. I ended up talking a lot more than I figured I would, but she said something in that time she was there that really made my night and showed me that there really are others out there that really do love Liam even though they never got to see him, hold him, or feel his sweet kicks like I did. She told me that she loves him, not just because I love him, but because she felt like she really knew him from me speaking about him and seeing his pictures. She also told me that she talks to him and that night in particular on her way over she asked him why on his birthday it had to be so cold outside. Love it, love it, love it!
Happy first birthday Liam! Mommy misses you and loves you so much.