I have been thinking a lot these past few days on how much my life has changed since Liam came into it. Until I was pregnant with him I never new it was possible to love someone so much that you never met, but feeling those kicks for the first time letting me know he was in there, well it was instant love.
I miss that. I miss him.
As I sit here and try to type this while doing the ugly cry I can picture exactly where we were last year on this first Sunday night of the new year. I was so full of optimism before heading to the hospital to check-in for the fetal surgery first thing Monday morning.
There is so much I hate about 2011 and what it took away from me but at the same time that little boy, in the time I knew him and the months since his passing, taught me so much. I feel like I learned more about what real love, real pain, and real life are all about. But why did my son have to die?????
I have seen the many stages of grief and know that everyone goes through them at different times, but I can say that for me I am still working on the acceptance and anger stages. The blame stage took me quite awhile to get through but I think I can honestly say I don't blame myself anymore, but accept his death and not be angry about it, I'm still working on that. I know I have to get past the anger before I can finally move onto acceptance, but I don't know if I can. I just hate this so much, I hate it, hate it, hate it.
Many people tend to start the new year off with a New Years resolution. I don't know if I have stuck with one ever and last year I don't think I even made one. For 2012 I don't want to make one neither. All I want this year is two things: I want Liam to be remembered(always actually) and I want his baby sister to be born healthy(and hopefully outlive me).