Last night I woke abruptly around 5am after having a bad dream. The dream started out with me running through the hospital. Although I didn't look it, I was pregnant. As I was running I was questioning if my baby was still alive. I didn't have much of a belly but could feel this small ball like spot that stuck out that I assumed was my baby. As I was running around I would glance down and see more and more little blood stains appearing on my pants and new I needed help fast. There were so many people there and I couldn't seem to figure out where to go for help. Finally it occurred to me that I needed to go to Ob Triage. I found it and went straight up to the front desk, butting in front of a few people, and started telling the guy behind the counter that I needed to get seen immediately. I said that my uterus was rupturing and I needed a Dr. to deliver my baby right now. The guy told me to settle down, stop yelling, and that someone would be with me shortly. I was getting so angry and said that I was going to call my Ob be directly then because my baby was going to die if they didn't help me. Then I woke up.
I had a huge talk with my counselor yesterday about "this month". I write about this a lot, but since the first the what-ifs and anger toward myself are only getting stronger. It is consuming me more and more. My counselor keeps trying different types of trauma work with me and usually we never get far. She tried another new exercise with me at my appt yesterday. I told her about all these angry feelings building up within me. Again we had to stop doing it within minutes of starting. That's seems to be how every exercise goes as I usually start bawling right away. She obviously wants me to stop playing the what-ifs game and stop blaming myself. I say that I wish the what-ifs would quit as well. The truth is though, that I don't think they are going to stop nor are the exercises going to truly help. At least not until I can deep down honestly stop blaming myself for my daughters death. I don't know if I ever will though.
It is 4 months today since my daughter was born and I still can't look at her pictures and not have some form of angry feelings come up. I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, but even that makes me angry. I look at those pictures and that weekend starts playing over and over in my head. Lately I have even been getting flashbacks of being in the hospital. I see her in her little NICU bed, her little arms are moving back and forth but she can't control them because she is having a seizure. I think about all the pain she must be in and wish that me as her mom could hold her, give her a hug and kiss, and tell her it'll be okay, and doing so would make everything better. How this is happening to my baby? Why are these the only memories I have of my time with my daughter?
I feel so traumatized by this all.
I never thought I would say that I hate life this much.....
but I do.
I know I need to get help before this really gets out of control, but I don't know what to do all at the same time. I feel like the only thing that will make this better is having my daughter here, but I know that's not exactly an option.
Tomorrow is Jessica's appt. with our RE. She could get cleared. Hopefully she'll get cleared. If she don't though, I don't how I will handle the news.
My love. My little beauty. My baby girl. I miss you more than words could say. I cry a million tears for you almost daily.
I love you, Mom
I'm so sorry Becky... I'll be praying SO HARD that Jessica's RE appt goes well and she's cleared to get pregnant.ReplyDelete
((HUGS)) I hope everything with Jessica's RE appt goes as it should and she gets cleared!ReplyDelete
I am sorry that you have to go through this twice unbearable . I hope and prey for you that something good comes your way soon.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you and your beautiful girl. You're right, she is gorgeous. I wish she were with you. I'm sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. I hope Jessica's appointment goes well tomorrow so you can have something to look forward to once again. xoxReplyDelete
Sending light and love to you, today, tomorrow, everyday.ReplyDelete
I wish I knew how to get rid of the what if's :(ReplyDelete
Fx Jessica is cleared.
Sending my support.
I wish you weren't so sad, upset and angry. I wish Evelynn was here. I wish your life was easier than it has been. I wish Jessica a good appointment tomorrow. I wish you peace and healing, because that's all I'm able to do. I think of you often, and hope something good happens soon.ReplyDelete
Your love for your beautiful children shines through every word you type here. There can be no second guessing of your love, that is clear.ReplyDelete
They are such beautiful children, Evelynn with her dark hair and gorgeous cheeks.., I am sorry that they are not here with you now, so very sorry. You are a good and strong mother and I hope soon a living child will be lucky enough to feel your love.
I know there is nothing I can say that could possibly take the pain away but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you can find some way to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I know it is a difficult journey and there are so many times when it feels impossible to feel anything but hopeless, helpless, guilty, and angry. Just know that we are out here, thinking of you, wishing you could have been able to spend more time with your amazing children, and hoping things turn around so you have more reason to enjoy your life.ReplyDelete
Evelynn is absolutely beautiful, you are SO right. Thinking of you and Jessica today and hoping she will be cleared so you can get started on this next phase.ReplyDelete
I am crying for you and Evelynn right now. I would be reliving everything all the time too. I can't imagine the horror of standing by her bed and knowing there is nothing you can do to save her. I have been thinking of you so often. I hope that Jessica gets cleared, you deserve some good news. Sending you love and peace and hugs.ReplyDelete
I pray for you every day. I can;t imagine the anger you're feeling, but ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! I hope Jessica is cleared. Tghinking about you and sending lots of love.ReplyDelete
It makes my heart break so much. I am thinking of you and your beautiful children.xoxoxoxReplyDelete
You love your little girl - that's so, so clear. The bottom line is that if you had really thought there was something wrong, you would have reacted. It's like the person who walks around with a broken bone because it doesn't feel painful enough to be broken, or the person who dies of a heart attack because they think the warning signs are indigestion. It's not their fault - they just didn't know. It is NOT your fault either - you didn't know. I'm hoping you have good news about Jessica soon and that things start to ease for you.ReplyDelete
What Silver said, times a million: it's so very obvious that you loved your sweet little Liam & precious little Evelynn. If you had known anything was wrong, you would've done everything and anything to fix it and save her. This was not your fault! I am so sorry your gorgeous children aren't in your arms where they belong. You've been through extraordinary trauma - four months is both a blink of an eye and a long time in terms of how long it's been since you held your dear girl but I think in terms of recovering from that trauma it's nothing. And obviously you'll never fully heal from the devastation, I don't mean to suggest that you would ever "get over" this heartbreak, but the PTSD effects - the flashbacks and nightmares and such - will eventually begin to fade away. I hope thats not a hurtful thing to say. I hope you get good news from the RE, and I hope and pray that you find moments of peace daily with loving memories of your children to sustain you on this journey through the grief, and that it leads you to another precious child safely in your arms.ReplyDelete
I wish there were some way to take away all of your pain. I know the "what-if" all too well. Our situation was different, but I always think the chain of events could have been different and River would still be alive. I think it has lessened with time, knowing that there is nothing that I can do about it now. It still lingers and I wonder. I quickly remember that if things hadn't happened when they did, it could have happened another time or place. I am thinking of you and hope that there is something that will allow you peace from the "what ifs"ReplyDelete
It wasn't your fault. Everyone knows that. That doesn't change the way you feel though.ReplyDelete
I think everyone who experiences the loss of a child feels guilty. I feel guilty that I let my son down. I feel like I let him die. A while ago someone told me that I have to forgive myself for what I did and did not do. She did not argue with me whether I did something wrong or not. She just said I should try to forgive. That helped a bit. I knwo I will never completely shake the feeling that I did something wrong, but maybe I will eventually be able to forgive myself.
Evelynn is absolutely beautiful. It breaks my heart to see her beautiful face and know that she is not with you and that you must be in so much pain.
I so hope that from now on only good things wil happen to you.