Last night I woke abruptly around 5am after having a bad dream. The dream started out with me running through the hospital. Although I didn't look it, I was pregnant. As I was running I was questioning if my baby was still alive. I didn't have much of a belly but could feel this small ball like spot that stuck out that I assumed was my baby. As I was running around I would glance down and see more and more little blood stains appearing on my pants and new I needed help fast. There were so many people there and I couldn't seem to figure out where to go for help. Finally it occurred to me that I needed to go to Ob Triage. I found it and went straight up to the front desk, butting in front of a few people, and started telling the guy behind the counter that I needed to get seen immediately. I said that my uterus was rupturing and I needed a Dr. to deliver my baby right now. The guy told me to settle down, stop yelling, and that someone would be with me shortly. I was getting so angry and said that I was going to call my Ob be directly then because my baby was going to die if they didn't help me. Then I woke up.
I had a huge talk with my counselor yesterday about "this month". I write about this a lot, but since the first the what-ifs and anger toward myself are only getting stronger. It is consuming me more and more. My counselor keeps trying different types of trauma work with me and usually we never get far. She tried another new exercise with me at my appt yesterday. I told her about all these angry feelings building up within me. Again we had to stop doing it within minutes of starting. That's seems to be how every exercise goes as I usually start bawling right away. She obviously wants me to stop playing the what-ifs game and stop blaming myself. I say that I wish the what-ifs would quit as well. The truth is though, that I don't think they are going to stop nor are the exercises going to truly help. At least not until I can deep down honestly stop blaming myself for my daughters death. I don't know if I ever will though.
It is 4 months today since my daughter was born and I still can't look at her pictures and not have some form of angry feelings come up. I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, but even that makes me angry. I look at those pictures and that weekend starts playing over and over in my head. Lately I have even been getting flashbacks of being in the hospital. I see her in her little NICU bed, her little arms are moving back and forth but she can't control them because she is having a seizure. I think about all the pain she must be in and wish that me as her mom could hold her, give her a hug and kiss, and tell her it'll be okay, and doing so would make everything better. How this is happening to my baby? Why are these the only memories I have of my time with my daughter?
I feel so traumatized by this all.
I never thought I would say that I hate life this much.....
but I do.
I know I need to get help before this really gets out of control, but I don't know what to do all at the same time. I feel like the only thing that will make this better is having my daughter here, but I know that's not exactly an option.
Tomorrow is Jessica's appt. with our RE. She could get cleared. Hopefully she'll get cleared. If she don't though, I don't how I will handle the news.
My love. My little beauty. My baby girl. I miss you more than words could say. I cry a million tears for you almost daily.
I love you, Mom