.............and this is going to be long as well because that's how I roll these days.
I haven't done much for distraction projects lately. Hell I can barely bring myself to even clean my house these days. Seriously, what happened to all that energy I had the last couple of months? I have been playing around a lot on Pinterest though. So many projects that I would love to make in memory of my babies and even more I want to make for my future babies and the house. I have a few projects that I want to start on but I think it would be good to get the house cleaned and organized before I add more clutter to the disaster I feel my house is presently in. I had decided to go to Jo-Ann Fabrics last week though, just to get a few things for one of the projects I really want to do. As I was walking around the store I started thinking about the last time I had went there, which was about a month before Evelynn was born. I had a whole basket full of scrapbooking stuff so that I could start working on her scrapbook. The lady behind the counter had asked me if I was making a scrapbook for a friend or relatives new baby. I had told her no and that I was making one for my baby who was going to be here in around a month. I remember the lady saying how she didn't even think I looked pregnant, but congrats! That thought played in my head over and over again. The tears started forming so I had to go check out quickly and before I hit the car I was bawling.
Last Monday I went into work and heard that the Dr. I work for daughter was in town. She had her baby about a month before Evelynn was born. It was our Dr.'s birthday and we were going to have a potluck for him. I heard that his daughter and baby might be coming in. I like his daughter but there was no way I could be there if she came in. Last Wednesday morning was the day of the potluck and birthday and there I was at home bawling my eyes out and having an anxiety attack before work fearing that I was going to be stuck at work and have to see and hear about the baby. She never came in thankfully, but holy anxiety attack thinking about it.
That same day a friend of mine, whose baby was born a month and half or so after Evelynn was born, set up a birthday get together for another friend. She said her baby would have to be there though. I have wanted to meet up with this friend first before I was ever around a room full of people ooooing and awwwwwing over a baby in front of me. I considered trying to force myself to go since I am trying really hard to move forward and put myself out there even if it hurts. Then I read a comment for the event on how excited someone was to see the baby and I knew right then that there was no way I could go when my daughter should be here too. Tonight is the birthday party. I hate saying I hate being left out because surely I could go, but in all reality I couldn't handle it. So instead I am sitting here inside typing away and cursing at the world and the stupid sunshine.
I really hate how another year is going by where I still can't handle going to certain gatherings with friends or even coworkers for fear of a baby. It's such BS and makes me feel so left out.
Counseling and Wildflowers
My counselor has been working with me on doing some EMDR work to help me with the trauma side of things. This past week she had me envision a place that I really like, I guess to be like a safe place. I pictured this hike that I love called Lost Lake. There is an area there that I love that is filled with beautiful wild flowers. We didn't get very far with what she was trying to have me do though as I broke out bawling. Thinking about that place made me think of my babies. That poem that I read at Evelynn's funeral about Heaven that I fell in love with after Liam passed away talks about "your child running through wildflowers" and I like to imagine that area to be like in heaven with my babies running through it laughing and smiling. My counselor decided after that, that maybe I wasn't ready to do that kind of work yet.
On Saturday I went to Lost Lake hiking. The whole hike is beautiful but this one wildflower area I am in love with. I am not the best photographer, but come on, that is beautiful.
Give Forward Fundraiser
The Fundraiser through GiveForward that my friend had started a few months back ended last week. Thank you so much to everyone that donated to it or spread the word by putting the link on your blog. I am so happy that we were able to raise $6,500, bringing home $6,184.50 after the website took there cut. That's half the cost for the prepayment of the egg retrieval. Now if only I can get my butt in gear to work more on my silent auction chili feed fundraiser.
It has now been two works since my coworker who was out on pregnancy leave has been back. It really has been great to have her back, although I still wish I wasn't there. I love how she is not afraid to talk to me about my loss and also that she can mention her son around me as well. Although she has mentioned that she is worried she will say the wrong thing and make me feel bad. I am glad that she is mindful of it but love that she doesn't ignore me. I could talk all day about why I am angry at the world and miss my daughter and so on but I also understand that she does have a son now and she has the right to talk about him on occasion as well. I wish more people would realize that even though I am angry and sad that I am also lonely and when you ignore me it makes me feel like you don't care. Maybe some people don't care, maybe some people don't know what to say, and its true that there are some things that can be said that truly will make me more upset, but to not talk to me at all makes me feel like I am contagious or something. I hate having to be there when I know I should be with my babies but at least my work days have been a little more bearable with her around.
Today was the day that I had set up with my boss to go back to work after Evelynn was born, Mind you that I wasn't planning on going back but wanted this set up just in case. Fuck that I was right to have to set this up versus just quitting my job. I guess this date doesn't mean much since I have been back at work for a couple months already, just saw that I had it programmed in my phone, and it sucks.
What else...... Oh yesterday was one of those days. You the ones where you wake up and you can just tell it isn't going to be good. The crying came and went all day long. I also had a talk with Dereck about thinking that we need to find a very reputable medium and then get an appt. with them. Anyone know a good, reputable one? I searched Google for quite awhile in search of one. I wouldn't say I fully believe in psychics or people that say they can communicate with the dead but there's a part of me that thinks maybe, somehow or another, one could help me. I don't even really no what I would ask or what I would truly hope to get from meeting with one. Maybe just hearing one tell me that Liam and Evelynn are okay and that they love me is all I would need. Maybe I could get some kind of answers for the zillions of seemingly unanswerable questions that I have. Maybe I would need more.
So much more I could write about but I guess enough for now. I am surprised I got this much out since I really can't think straight most days anymore, So much going on in my head. I keep wondering how the days keep going by at the speed they are as I feel most days I am getting nothing accomplished and yet the day is over. I guess it doesn't matter physically how busy you are because when your mind is all over the place time somehow can go by just as fast, maybe even faster.
Many, many hugs to you ...ReplyDelete
I love reading your updates. You've had a lot going on.ReplyDelete
I'm glad that your friend at work lets you be you and is herself around you. I wish everyone could be this way. It would make things so much easier. I hate being avoided or discounted for whatever reason people imagine in their minds. They don't want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable or they don't know what to say. I'd rather someone do the wrong thing than nothing at all.
Sending lots of love,
I think about you and your babies everyday. Sending you love and hugs.ReplyDelete
i think about you, Liam and Evelynn daily. You are never far from my heart and mind.ReplyDelete
My moms mom died when she was fairly young, and because of that my mom always struggled with it. She saw this really great psychic once and it cost about $100 but she said it was the most intense thing she's ever done. The lady somehow knew details that ONLY my moms mom would know. My mom told her NOTHING about me and my brother and the psychic said all of this stuff about us and even what we used to leave on our grandmothers grave (pennies and small toys when we were just little kids). The psychic said it was easier to 'channel' loved ones if you bring at item of theirs.ReplyDelete
Anyways, I think there is DEFINITELY something to psychics if you can find the right person. The woman my mom saw was located in Michigan but I know you sometimes travel to the Mid-West so I'll leave her info just in case. I've heard her waiting list can be up to a year (but that was YEARS ago). I'm 99% sure her name is Carrie Carter and her website is yourangelchannel.com. Obviously if you have any questions about it you can always email me email@example.com
Good luck and just wanted to add I understand and do not think it'd weird AT ALL that you're still pumping. The thing you said about the last physical connection to Evelynn makes a lot of sense to me. I don't blame you for pumping still and I don't think that I could stop either, in your shoes.
You don't know me but I happened upon your blog from somewhere... I also read another blogReplyDelete
http://missingmaxie.blogspot.com She lost her baby boy about a year ago. Yesterday she had a post about a couple of mediums she had been in contact with. I'm sure if you got in contact with her, she would be happy to pass along their information.
I have a couple of medium recommendations for you as I have seen many over the past year. The very best one is named Kim Russo - www.kimthehappymedium.com. She isn't booking phone appointments right now I noticed but check back. It was an amazing reading I had with her. She knew things about us that nobody could know. It gave me a lot of peace. Another good medium was Jamie Clark- you'd hbe to google him. Very accurate reason but not a super sympathetic soul. Lastly, moriah Rhame gave me two really wonderful readings. www.moriahthemedium.com. I would say if the medium hasn't "connected" with your family by ten minutes in or so, you should ask for a refund. Be open to them connecting to a grandmother or deceased aunt or something too. Your babies might be with an elder. And, honesty, I don't knownwhat to make of it all either. It hasn't erase my grief but has helped me think I will see my baby again. You deserve that.ReplyDelete
I also think about you daily. I want you to know that you are not contagious, but I can't say I haven't felt that way myself.ReplyDelete
But you are not contagious and what has happened to you and your babies is absolutely unfair. You are a beautiful mother and person. You are. You just need to know that although life has seriously given you hell, you are still a wonderful person, woman, and mother. You are no less better than any woman with or without living children.
Loving you all.
I have been reading and following, and sharing your giving forward, and trying to think how I could offer some help or some solace - and I don't think I can. I did think of one thing in response to your dual post though. In a time when I was facing great loneliness something which helped was quilting in a quilting group. It provides a random group of (mainly) women who meet weekly to sew and talk, and it results in a project of real beauty. Perhaps something you could make for Liam, for Evelynn and for your future children. It also seems to draw women who like to sit and talk and chat for hours, and the quilting itself takes hours. In my mind it replicates the old ways we used to help each other in tough times and might offer a way to cushion you in times when the loneliness is too much.ReplyDelete
Always thinking of you, Evelynn and Liam. xoxoxReplyDelete