"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."
I love it and I need to remember it always.
But for now I need to get a lot off my chest. Are you ready for the longest rant ever?
I am frustrated and I am angry. That is nothing new I suppose. Am I frustrated because I am always angry or maybe its that I'm always so angry because everything seems to frustrate me. Either way, I wish I could get get rid of it. Stop it somehow. It's always something lately and I feel like I'm getting that "I'm going crazy" feeling back.
The holidays definitely aren't helping. I hate the fact that once again I don't have my baby here. I'm not even pregnant. At least when I was pregnant I had hope that the next year would be different.
I did the Halloween thing. I didn't really want to, but a friend dragged me out. It turned out to be pretty fun, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about Evelynn all night and how she would have looked so adorable in her owl outfit we had for her. It really is the cutest thing ever.
As far as holiday gatherings go, well, Thanksgiving Dereck and I spent together. Just the two of us, and I am glad it was that way. We spent our afternoon cooking together. It wasn't your average thanksgiving dinner though. We made some amazing filet mignon and then some random side dishes that I wouldn't call amazing, but it was fun cooking things I normally wouldn't make. We thought about Evelynn. It would have been her first Thanksgiving and it also marked 7 months since she was born. My perfect little girl. I love you baby girl:)
At the beginning of November my work was already discussing our Christmas party. I had already decided months ago I wasn't participating in anything Christmas related. When I heard the details about our work one, I pretty much through a tantrum. My babies should be here. I should be adding there names and what they want to the gift list. Actually I shouldn't have even been invited because I should've been able to quit months ago because I should be at home with my daughter. Whatever. I am over it now. I am pretty certain Dereck and I are going to go now. Will I make it through dinner while everyone sits and talks about how cute my coworkers baby is? I guess we will see.
A couple of our friends are having there yearly Christmas parties as well, both of which I will not be attending. First because I want to be an unsociable grump and second because I refuse to watch all my friends ooo and aaah over a friends baby. At the one party last year this friend and I announced our pregnancies together to our friends that didn't already know. I just can't go. I can't do it.
Call me a grinch. I don't care. I am not happy. I want to be, and sometimes I try really hard to be. I try to be optimistic, to look on the bright side, to have some hope for the coming year, but I can only fake it for so long before I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. In the last couple of weeks I have learned about 3 new pregnancies, Derecks sister just had her baby last week, another friend just had her baby at the beginning of the month, and my sister is due in less than a week. I just want to run away.
I don't even no what to do about any of this. I am really happy that my one friend is pregnant. When I was pregnant with Evelynn I talked to her a lot about seeing an ob about some issues she was having because it was sounding similar to the issues I had. I am sad for me and I am sorry but I don't want to hear about your pregnancy at all:(
My other friend, if you want to call her that I guess, who had her baby at the beginning of the month, well she hasn't spoke to me since Evelynn's funeral. I got a text sometime after saying she pregnant. A text. No call. No ever checking in to see how I'm doing. I didn't even realize her baby was born until a friend pointed it out on Facebook.
Then there's Derecks sister. Yes, I'm happy for her, but sucks so much also. This probably sounds, I don't even know the word for it, rude maybe, but we planned on staying at her house when we did our fertility stuff because they live so close to the clinic. I hate to pay for a hotel when we have family that lives right there, but I can't be in a house for a couple weeks with a newborn baby. And I don't think the RE is going to approve of me consistently popping Xanax before my egg retrieval.
Now what to do about my sister. My sister hasn't talked to me since just after Evelynn's burial. It was very briefly when her and her husband and kids actually stopped by and saw Liam and Evelynn's graves. I guess I should be happy at least someone from my side of the family has finally saw where my babies are buried. But seriously no "how are you holding up" or "what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff". Nothing. I know I could be the bigger person and call first, but I don't. In all honesty I am just tired of my family as a whole. I don't even call my parents anymore. My mom calls maybe once a week. I see the call and have to force myself to answer it. I feel like I have nothing to say. They ask how I am doing. Which I don't quite understand why since when I tell them the honest truth about being sad I get ignored or told to be happy for once. If I mention anything related to my babies somehow the subject is always changed almost instantly. She tells me what's going on with them and talks about my nephews and now talks about my sister and how the baby will be here any day, because you know how much I want to hear about how the baby dropped 2cm at the last appt. I can't wait to hear the news when the baby is born so that they can all rub it in my face and not think twice about how it makes me feel. Ugh! To add to all of this, they no little to nothing about what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff. No one asks and I don't really tell, but I think its a good thing. When we go back to Minnesota for our egg retrieval I am considering not even telling them I am back in the state. The last thing I need before my egg retrieval is more stress.
Yup I am still going. I must sound like the most pathetic whiner ever!!!!
I am so frustrated with my fertility clinic right now. We have been talking to them about doing this since May and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished. I am to the point I am regretting using this clinic. I hated the fact that we had to wait at least 6 months to do a transfer, which is actually turning into 9 months, but when I found out that I could get some of the stuff done up her at my clinic in Alaska versus flying back to MN I thought they'd be perfect. That saves a lot of money in plane tickets. The other clinic, the one we were originally going to use, we wouldn't have even had to wait 6 months. Hell, there is a chance our carrier could even already be pregnant if we went with them. I feel like I made another bad decision. I hope it all works out though because I would hate to have to start over with a new clinic, but I feel like everything seems so unorganized there. I am seriously getting scared that we won't even make the January cycle anymore. GRRRR!
I am still trying to force myself to get out on a few runs each week with a friend and I've even gone to the gym a few times with her. I wish I could be doing more but my energy levels are ridiculously low. Although I will say after Dereck left for work this past week I went on 3 day cleaning spree in my house and it looks awesome. I finally have our dining room cleared out from all the crap we threw in it from the bedrooms from the water damage we had in them. I even got the nursery put back together. I sure do love that nursery. Anyways back to what I was saying about for the most part having very little energy or drive to do anything. I had another appt. with my Psychiatrist and talked to her about this. I think this is almost making me more frustrated, but she added another medication for me to take to help give me a little boost. I am trying to be good and listen to my doctors and believe they are doing whats best for me. A boost would be great. Feeling good feels great. What I don't like to hear is that if I were going to be the one who was pregnant she wouldn't prescribe me it because it isn't safe in pregnancy, but I should be fine since its just my eggs. I was worried about the Zoloft affecting my eggs and am told it is for the most part safe in pregnancy. I always tried to avoid being on meds and now the list keeps growing. I asked my Ob her thoughts and she thinks I need to take them and still says my mental state is going to have more of an effect on my eggs than the meds. So I just give in and do what I am told.
And lastly I am angry for my dear friend Claudia who had to say goodbye for now to another one of her beautiful babies. I am so sorry my friend.
Okay I am done now. I swear the next post will be better because it's going to be about the fundraiser. And it was awesome!
Oh and I will share my one bit of happy news for the day. I finally got my period! Are you all as excited as I am.
That was a rant and a half! But I completely understand, not that it helps! I do believe that the clinic needs to move things along though. I agree with you, if you could get somewhere with them then you would at least feel like there was progress! Instead of the maddening 'no man's land' that is the festive season xxxxReplyDelete
I can imagine how you are feeling about holidays, about others's babies. It was not long before i was trying to hide from people and run at from anything that remotely looked like a baby. i couldn't fake even.ReplyDelete
No where I felt that you are venting. Pls come here and vent as much you'd like to.
I just hope this Jan cycle works.
Vent away friend.ReplyDelete
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your January cycle. And yay for a period! :)
I'm angry for you that your family is so unsupportive, and of course you don't want to hear about how close to labour your sister is... The fact they're so excited and not at all nervous is painful, huh? :(
Thinking of you guys as Christmas approaches. xox
Oh hun, bless your heart. And congrats on the period - that IS super exciting .... Only in the baby loss world do we get so happy about that huh?ReplyDelete
I'm sorry for all the other nonsense facing you these next few weeks. I hope they are gentle.
Big, big hugs, Becky. You know you neve have to apologize for venting. We've all had our moments, and I can only imagine what our insides would look like if we didn't let it out.ReplyDelete
I think I've mentioned this before, but my deep, seething, soul-eating anger is what finally led me to being diagnosed with mild to moderate PPD six months after I lost my twins. That diagnosis, and the weekly counseling since with a woman who truly, totally gets it, has made all the difference for me. That doesn't mean I'll forgive some of the people in my life who hurt me during my grief, or that I miss my babies less or am healed or ok, but life is so much less of a struggle now. I no longer wish I could just die and be over it all.
It frustrates me that your family isn't more supportive. I just don't know how someone can tell you to "be happy for once", as if they've been in your shoes. Unreal and unfair.ReplyDelete
You don't need to be celebratory. Frankly, I think you're doing more than I would! I would not be attending any parties. Luckily, we don't have to because my husband's job doesn't have parties for holidays. Amen to that.
Looking forward to hopefully something happening very soon with the egg retrieval. Anxious to hear.
Becky, please don't feel bad for your feelings. And you never have to apologize to us for venting. You have every right to feel how you feel and every right to vent it out. We love you and will be here to listen. Always. Sending much loveReplyDelete
Vent all you want. Sending light and love always.ReplyDelete
you have a right to rant, this media is where you can help get it all out , I have been reding your blog for a while and my heart goes out to you , sending you lots of hugs and like others have said when you need to rant we will all be here to listenReplyDelete
It makes me sad and upset for you that your family isn't more supportive.ReplyDelete
I too have problems with other people being pregnant. I do have two older children but after losing our last baby I also lost my ability to carry more children.
I've had people tell me I don't have a right to be sad or jealous of people who are pregnant because I have older children. But me having older children doesn't take away the fact that I can't have more and I wanted more. My angel was it for us. It's heart breaking. My husband's immature sister is pregnant and keeps rubbing my face inn it and I'm so HURT and JEALOUS! :(
Sorry for ranting on your post. I just can understand some of how you feel
You deserve to rant all you want! And I'm so sorry your family is disappointing. I don't blame you one but for avoiding pregnant people, babies, and the holidays. I would do the exact same thing. Just do whatever it takes to get through.ReplyDelete
I hope so much that January is the month for you.
Good for you and your venting! You need to get that stuff off your chest. You will go crazy if you just bottle it up! And that's why you created this blog. To clear your mind and get things off your chest. Thank you for sharing your feelings. You do not sound like a whiner at all, Becky. You have literally been through hell. The fact that you can process your thoughts and feelings and turn them into words amazing. I continue to think of you often and am sending you virtual hugs. <3ReplyDelete
You definitely should be venting and feel free to vent some more! I am usually the one who throws the Christmas parties for my friends and last year we were the only ones without babies (it was like everyone got pregnant in one year - of course no one had any issues) and I just cancelled it. Could not handle it. I knew I probably sounded like a brat but I would rather than than have to sit in my own house surrounded by babies and everyone discussing them when I was so miserable.ReplyDelete
I am glad you are trusting your doctors. I definitely think mental state can affect just as much as physical state (if not more). I notice it is very true for me.
I can't believe you are still also keeping up with exercising. On top of everything else you are also an inspiration to me for that.
Always thinking of you. Sorry your family and certain friends are so thoughtless. It's so sad since they're supposed to be the ones there for you the most. :(
my brother in law sounds very much like your family. we almost skipped Thanksgiving because of him. it's horrible how he treats my husband and never once in over three years asked how he was doing, offered any help or attended any of our fundraisers. makes me mad so I understand that and you have every reason to be upset with them. rant all you want my dear, I will always read and send you a billion hugs!ReplyDelete
Ditto what everyone else said. Boo to your family for not trying harder to get it and fingers crossed for January!ReplyDelete
You deserve to vent as much as you need to.....definitely here to listen and support you. I'm so sorry this is all going on- so unfair. And I'm so sorry your family is not more supportive. I hope that January is the month for you- will be praying ♥ReplyDelete
My heart just breaks for you. I want to give you a giant hug.ReplyDelete