The day you passed away was a Monday and for a long time I would count the weeks go by as another Monday would come and go. It's been a long time since I looked at Mondays as another dreaded week gone by without you. Instead when the third of every month comes around I am fully aware that another month has gone by. Well today baby boy it is both the third of October and it is also a Monday. I really can't believe we are at 9 months, I'm sure I say that at that the start of every month though. You have now been gone for three-quarters of a year and as long as most people get to be pregnant for. Ugh!
I'm sure you are already aware that your momma is pregnant again and that you are going to be a big brother. I would've never thought I'd be pregnant again this soon and here I am, scared, nervous, paranoid, and also really excited. It seems since I have been pregnant I have spent most of the time thinking about this pregnancy, but this past weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I cried a lot. At one point watching tv I saw a son sitting by a gravestone talking to his deceased mother and instantly started crying for you and how I can't just go see your grave. Another time I went to the store to get a few things and saw babies and carseats everywhere and broke down again. Babies and carseats haven't really bothered me in awhile, outside of a little jealousy. I guess I'm just really missing you right now.
I also have to tell you this, although this might seem really crazy, but sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is me getting a second chance to be with you. I mean I know you are in heaven and that you're not coming back, no matter how much I pray and wish it would happen, but sometimes I think about that. I know this pregnancy is a new baby, a new life, and not you and I love this baby as much as I love you. I want and hope this baby grows big and strong, is healthy, and will get to come home with us, everything I wanted with you love, but it still hurts knowing that you no longer get that chance. I just want it so badly.
This month also has a couple of remembrance activities going on that I will be participating in. On the 12th I will be going to the Remembering the Light ceremony to remember loved ones who have passed away and then on Oct. 15th at 7pm I will be lighting a candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
There are so many other things I would love to say but for now I am going to go and am going to leave you with a few quotes that a couple of babyloss mommas wrote that I really love. I hope you love them also.
Today should have been so different.
Just know that I am thinking about you,
This side of heaven.
The sorrow I have from losing you
does not overshadow the joy
I have from being able to love you.