I found out that picture that I posted the other day on my blog is actually from 12 years ago, a few years before the fetal surgery study for spina bifida had even taken place. I am glad to hear it wasn't too graphic for some and that many of you thought it was as amazing as I do. If only my little guy could've been as lucky as that little boy was, and by that I mean live.
Alright onto pregnancy related news:
I knew that getting pregnant again wasn't going to make everything better. That it wasn't going to magically take away all my grief and pain and that I would instantly be in a constant happy state. I knew that, like grief, being pregnant again after a loss was going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been trying to convince myself that things will be okay and have been searching for that optimism again. I really thought I had found a little and then I had a few days with little things occuring that lead up to Tuesday. I was so fricken emotional I just wanted to cry all afternoon. I would say I had a little bit of a meltdown that day. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without something somehow causing harm to my baby. I know it must seem silly to some but I just couldn't push those thoughts from my mind. Luckily, I have some great friends that still let me whine when I really need to, poor them because its been so much this year.
So other than the paranoia I still have about everything, I have started thinking about the holidays. I looked ahead on the calender and sure enough my husband will be gone for work for Thanksgiving and then from just before Christmas through the second week of January. You got to be kidding me! I can't be alone for the holidays. I mean I have great friends and will most likely be celebrating Thanksgiving with them and usually if I am in town, the same for Christmas. This year is different though and I just want my husband around. How can I handle Christmas, New Years, and then January 3rd without him? Last year I went home for Chistmas, saw family, had a baby shower, and then spent the following week and a half in San Francisco. I spent New Years in San Francisco, played tourist for the week leading up to the surgery in San Francisco, planned how my life would be after the surgery living in San Francisco for 3 months, and then my world got flipped upside down when I lost my son. I have already taken so much time off at work this year with the fetal surgery, recovery, and then going home for the burial, so I don't think I can just take off to go back to Minnesota and see friends and family for 2 weeks to get me through that time. Too early to be spasing about this but I just know its going to be rough and need to find a way to have a little peace for the upcoming holidays.
I am even already counting down the weeks. I just keep thinking, thank god I am going to have a c-section about 3-4 weeks before my due date. Thinking that I will have my baby, granted all things go well, before the end of April makes me way happier than knowing I would have to wait till the middle of May for my due date. That's a lot of days of pregnancy craziness I won't have to endure, but seriously, saying I have 6 1/2 months left sounds way better than 7 1/2 months don't it.
So here I am, 7 weeks today and officially half way through my first trimester:) Yippee! I am still tired and having lots of nausea but still no real morning sickness I'd say. I have however reached that stage in my pregnancy where water tastes disgusting and I am having to force it down. I was like that with Liam also. With him I also hated the taste of vegetables, but haven't gotten to that point yet, if at all. I have my next Ob appt on Tuesday and will be 7 1/2 weeks and so excited to see my little one again. I just can't wait to see that flicker of a heartbeat this time. So excited, yes I did say that!