I wish I could say that I am still on the "up" side of things since the great news from Jessica, but unfortunately that was short lived, and I am back to my previous state. Maybe even worse, definitely worse.
I thought June was horrible, but in terms of sucking, August is winning. I hate this month and I want it over. But is September just magically going to be any better?
After I got the news from Jessica I felt that that was the news I needed to get me working on my fundraiser. I have been having an incredibly hard time working on it and have little to nothing accomplished so far. Thank god it got moved to November because it would not have been ready by October, not even close. Novemeber is starting to seem too soon even. A friend helped me work on it on Monday night. I got a little anxious, but overall was feeling good about our game plan.
Wednesday night I decided I was going to try and work on a few of the pages for the binder I am putting together for it. This binder will include info about Liam, Evelynn, Dereck and I, where we are going from here, and the costs for using a carrier. From the point I sat down at the computer the anxiety set in. It was like I went from calm to major panic attack in minutes. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't write anything. I got to the point that I decided to take a half of one of my Xanax. If you know me at all you know that I have had this Xanax since my Dr. prescribed it to me after I lost Evelynn. I only used it a few times to sleep that first week after she passed away, but not since then.
Half a pill seemed to do nothing, so I took the other half. That not only took my anxiety away it made me so tired that I slept for approximately the next 14 hours. I woke up yesterday thinking after all that sleep maybe I could try and tackle the fundraiser stuff again. Like Wednesday the anxiety hit me instantly. I got in such a panic state. I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was pace-something I often do when I am really stressed. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop crying, I wanted to just scream at myself to just calm the F down, but I couldn't. I decided to go ahead and take a half a Xanax again. The half did nothing again, so I took the other half. Like yesterday, I got so tired from it, I fell asleep. I only slept a short time but when I awoke I was incredibly depressed feeling. So now nothing has gotten accomplished.
Dereck left for work today. He has only been gone 2 weeks for work, which was in June, since the beginning of April. Now he will be back to working his normal 3 week shifts. Normally 3 weeks isn't too bad. The alone time, to an extent, can be really nice. Yesterday we got into an argument and haven't really spoke since.
I know that everyone grieves differently and I shouldn't try to compare myself to others, but I am seriously losing it! I am losing it to the point I feel like I am scared to tell people how I truly feel for fear I will be emitted. Although maybe that would be good thing. How do others do it that have had multiple traumatic or later term/newborn losses? I feel I have come to that point that maybe I am not strong enough to get through this on my own that maybe I do need more help. I know I can't just keep popping the Xanax and sleep my worries away.
I have mentioned before that grief group doesn't help anymore. Too jealous. Too angry. I haven't gone to that now for almost 2 months. But I also don't feel like I fit into the uterine rupture group I joined a few months ago anymore neither. At first I thought it was helpful to talk with others who have had ruptures, especially the ones who have went onto have successful pregnancies after or have used gestational carriers. Lately I have felt it is doing more harm than good for me. I find myelf getting jealous even at many of them. I know we have all had ruptures, some even hysterectomies, but so many of them have had at least one living child already or there baby survived. And almost everytime I post something about how down I am feeling I get responses about how its only been 4 months and everything is still so new, blah, blah, blah. Call me a bitch for feeling this way but it may only be 4 months since Evelynn died, but I am also still grieving her brother.
I just want my pain to go away. Sometimes I just wish I never new Evelynn, that she never existed. Most days I still can't even look at her pictures. I love her, I miss her, but I wish this whole nightmare never happened.
On my lunch break today at work I decided it was time to finally do it. I called my counselor and told her that maybe I need to get on some form of anti- depressent/anxiety medication. I hate to be on anything. I know they really help some people but I have always had this "mind over matter" attitude feeling that I could get through this without taking anything. I am clearly depressed and the anxiety that I felt these last 2 days was like nothing I have ever felt before. I'll admit it. There are far too many days lately that I find myself saying I hate myself and that I hate life. I am depressed. I need help. My counselor is going to meet with me tomorrow, go over some referrals with me, and try to get me in with a psyhiatrist as soon as possible.
On top of being depressed, angry, and anxious, I am so incredibly scared. In the next month or so here I need to do my counseling session for our gestational carrier stuff. I am so worried they are going deny me and Dereck. On one hand they might see that I am trying. They will see that I am doing lots of counseling and have even gave medication a try to help me be in the best state of mind possible. On the other hand they might say that despite everything I am doing that I am to mentally unstable to proceed, that my recent loss is still too fresh, and they prefer we wait even longer before we go ahead with all this.
In other news:
One year ago on August 26th Evelynn was conceived. I remember it oh so well and so does one of my good friends. I was suppose to go to her wedding that weekend, but it just so happened that ovulation day was not only on her wedding day, but the 26th was also when Dereck had to leave to go back to work. I had really wanted to go to her wedding but figured if I ended up pregnant, it would be worth missing it. On my friends one year anniversary it was just another painful reminder of what should be right now.
That same day I helped a friend with a fundraiser of hers. This friend I met through my loss group. She started a charity after her son died to help mothers get breastpumps who otherwise couldn't afford one. I think it is a great thing she is doing. Through her help and the Nursing Boutique I was able to get a few of the supplies I needed to help me with donating Evelynn's milk while we were traveling. Anyway, she did a fun run to raise money and it was a huge success. It was hard seeing so many babies-especially the girls, boys that would be Liam's age, the chariots, and ergo baby carriers, but I made it through it. Since donating Evelynn's breastmilk I have learned so much about the importance of it. I have become such a huge advocate and glad I could help such a great cause.
The rash that I had, which is for the most part gone now, I am told is Polymorphic light eruption-PMLE. Apparently I have developed an allergy to the sun. Part of me wants to get a second opinion. The other part of me says just where the extra sun protection like I am told to do and hope the rash never comes back. If the rash does ever come back, then get it checked out by another provider. Plus, I am told if it comes back or if I a plan to go somewhere sunny I need to take this super potent steroid. I don't think so! I'm sorry buddy but I am in the process of wanting to do an IVF procedure here in the next couple of months and then if my carrier gets pregnant start pumping again for that baby. Steroids are out of the question. Plus, I am still annoyed that they screwed with my donating of Evelynn's milk. The steroid I was put on, I only took for one week, but apparently it was so strong that I can't donate again for a couple months. I still have been pumping twice daily but throw it all away. I still just can't let it go completely.
|I might have to make this my new motto!|