Halloween And 10 Months

Hey little buddy,

Tomorrow will mark 10 months since you were born and passed. That dreaded one whole year mark is really coming up quickly. The holiday season is upon us also, with Halloween being just a couple days ago. What I would I have dressed you in, I haven't a clue. Would it have been something scary like a little monster or something cute like a little pumpkin? I guess I never thought that far ahead.

Your father and I went out Saturday night to a friends Halloween party. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you. I think I was about 3 1/2 months along and barely showing, but everyone there new I was pregnant. This year I am pregnant again with your little bro or sis but very few people there new I was pregnant this time. Although I think I might have been showing a little more even though I was a week shy of 3 months along.

Last year there was another girl who was at the party and she and her husband were at the party this year also. I felt kind of rude that I didn't say more to her, actually I barely said anything beyond a simple hello to her. She was about 3 months farther along than me last year and was due in January. She now has a happy, healthy, little girl who was at the sitters that night so that they could go out. I overheard her talking to people about it and how they got her a costume and were going to be going out with her on Halloween. Jealousy set in a little bit there. I guess that's why I couldn't talk to her.

All in all though it was a good party. We had no plans for Halloween night, which was fine, and enjoyed laying around and watching movies instead. I will say how happy I am though that it finally decided to snow. I know snowing means its getting closer to winter and I've already been freezing for like the past couple of months, but snow means skiing which gives me something fun to look forward to. And when I say skiing I mean cross country skiing on flat trails, there will be no hills for this girl this winter. I was probably a little bit too daring with you buddy, but not anymore. Too nervous about falling these days.

Happy Halloween in heaven. I love you little buddy,
Love, Mom

11 Weeks

My full Ob check appt was originally scheduled for Thursday but I had to get it rescheduled to Monday. I was told that I wouldn't be able to get an u/s that day though because the room was booked already, but I refused to wait another week and a half to get in and see my dr., so Monday it was. It must have been my lucky day though because the room ended up being open. I had blood work, a pap, some other stuff done, and then Dereck and I got to see our little babe. He/she was hopping around, upside down like crazy, with its arms and legs moving all over making it hard for my dr. to get accurate measurements. What an incredible feeling it was to see so much movement going on from a baby that is only 3cm long. That still amazes me. My little babe has been measuring about a day behind but after Monday my dr. says it looks like he/she is measuring about 5 days ahead now. Woohoo!

I will be going in on November 8th to get the first screening, the nuchal scan, done. I am not too nervous at the moment about it but I know as time draws closer to it, especially right after it until I get the results, I will most likely be a nervous wreck. I got this done with Liam even though it was not recommended. Most people I knew never had it done and thought it was weird of me to have got it done. I was glad I got it though because it is was first told me that Liam had a 1 in 30 chance of having a neural tube defect. Even after hearing that though people told me not to panic because of false positives, etc, but 1 in 30 seemed like a pretty high chance to me. And I was right. Just crossing my fingers everything will come back perfect this time around.

I like to hang out upside down and kick my legs around.

It has been so nice to not feel all stressed out and panicky, so I hope this optimism and excitement I have had this past couple of weeks will continue. My next ob/ u/s appt with my dr will be on 17th. I will then be at about 14 weeks and starting my second trimester. I know its still early but time really does seem likes its moving along pretty quickly.

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

A friend shared this article with me and I thought I'd share it with you all.

By Laura Schubert

Oct. 6, 2011

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.


How true that last line is...

10 Weeks

And I am getting super excited!

I know we still have a long way to go but this past week I have felt more and more optimistic. I have even been looking at some of the items that I wanted so badly to get for Liam and how I still want many of those same things for this baby, like a particular stroller carseat combo I had wanted. Also, last year many of my friends and I talked about how we were going to take Liam everywhere with us and just this past week I found myself discussing with a friend all of the things we were going to do once this baby is here.

I did have one freak out moment this past week though. It was on Monday night and occurred after reading a message from a friend. This friend, who I haven't talked to in awhile which I had heard a few weeks back was also pregnant. I wrote a post about that here. She told me that she was planning on going to a prenatal yoga class every Tuesday throughout her pregnancy and was wondering if I wanted to join her and then we could also catch up. I went into an instant panic state. I would love to catch up with her but the idea of being in a room filled with pregnant women scares the crap out of me. Some will be very pregnant, more pregnant than I have ever been, and I still a little envious of them. Some, if not all will ask how far along I am and I most likely will get asked the dreaded "is this your first baby" question. I know I am going to have to get used to that question especially once I show enough that its clearly obvious that I am pregnant, but not quite sure how to answer that yet. Talked to my counselor about it the other day and working on a solution.

My doppler arrived yesterday. Yes, I broke down and bought one. Hopefully I won't drive myself too crazy with it. Tried it out but either I just suck at finding the heartbeat or it is still too early.

My next dr. appt is on Monday to get my full Ob check. My appt was originally scheduled for Thursday in the u/s room, but my dr. decided to take that day off now. My options were Monday or wait until November, but choosing Monday meant no u/s because that room was already booked by the other providers. Crossing my fingers she will be able to pick up the heartbeat with her doppler. I haven't seen or heard my babies heartbeat in 2 1/2 weeks and getting anxious.

Dereck has got me thinking a lot about the sex of our baby. It's still early and I'll be happy either way but from the start Dereck has said we are having a girl. He had a dream awhile back about us having a little girl and is completely set on that. Now my friend called me earlier this week and told me she had a dream that they through a wedding reception for us since they didn't know us when we got married and that we had a little girl with us. Hmmm......

Speaking of weddings, Dereck and I had our third wedding anniversary on Tuesday Oct. 18th. Happy 3 years to us!

Dereck told me the other day that I should start reading again, and by that he means something nonbaby related, because all I have been doing lately in my tiredness is watching tv and reading my pregnancy books. I decided to go grab a book randomly off my bookshelf of a hundred books that I swear I will one day read. By the second page of the book I learn that one of the main characters is named Liam and he owns a bar called the Lamplighter. The Lamplighter is the name of this bar back in Minnesota that Dereck and I met at and hung out at all the time. Found this a little bit of a weird coincidence and thought I'd share.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with today, October 15th, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight is the Wave of Light Celebration in which between 7-8 pm in every time zone a lit candle will represent and honor all babies who have died.

Tonight I am lighting a candle for you Liam and also for all the other babies that are being remembered in our hearts.

I miss you Liam