Call me a pessimist or a worry wart, it is probably the truth. I was worried and stressed trying to get pregnant, then worried about my baby having cataracts and needing surgery after he was born-it runs in my family, and then felt I needed to have the prescreens done when pregnant for the fear of something wrong. Obviously I had a reason to worry when it was found out he had Spina Bifida but I tried to be optimistic for like the first time ever and then the worst happened nonetheless.
So how now do I try to want to ever be optimistic again. I think I am probably driving my Ob Dr. nuts. I have called them on an average of once a week since I have been home and also talked to my Perinatologist a few times in San Fran-it hasn't even been 3 months yet. A lot of it has to do with the fact that right after surgery I couldn't even think right to ask questions and also was so depressed from losing Liam I forgot half of what I was told. I have called my Ob Dr. 3 times this week and even went in yesterday to get looked at. I had a few hard falls hiking the other day, and then had very sharp stabbing pains through the right side of my incision area the days following. My Dr. had to inform, yet again, that my uterus is just fine and the only way I can hurt it is by getting pregnant too soon. She also said that the pain is probably caused by my bowel and other things finally falling into place and the fall just got them there sooner. Apparently in surgery things can get stuck together easily-sorry if this is TMI. Not completely understanding, but I'll take her word that I'm okay-for now. When will I just learn to settle down and just to take it day to day and nothing I can do now till I even start trying again.
Another thing that has been really on my mind is how I see so many people write on their blogs how they have found people that they can fully relate to with there baby loss situations. I am so grateful to have met so many people to share this baby loss journey with-you all mean so much to me, but sometimes wish I could find someone that has gone through more of what I have. Maybe I need to look harder but what are the chances of finding another blm who has had fetal surgery and lost there baby. I have read some blogs by other moms who had the fetal surgery for Myelomeningocele for the study, but they are all the lucky ones who still have there babies with them. I believe there were 2 moms that lost there babies quite a few weeks after having the fetal surgery and I think a few that also lost there babies that were in the postnatal group. Wish some how I could find a way to connect with them, what are the chances they would even have blogs?