One thing that has been really hard for me this week is that it has come to that point that we need to decide what day we want to do Liam's burial on. I had wanted so badly to do it on Mothers Day but just found out the other day that burials will be done Monday through Thursdays only. This is just making me so mad, I understand they need days off also, but now I have to just pick some random day in May to do his burial on. Geez, so how to decide what day I want to have to be the day I will remember for the rest of my life; cheapest plane tickets to Minnesota, Dereck's home, least amount of time I have to take off work, best time for other family if they want to be there for it? I also need to decide what we want to put on his gravestone. There is so much I want to put on it but his name alone is going to take up most of the space. It would be nice to add a nice poem or quote or some kind of picture engraved with his name.
A few days from now marks 38 weeks, Liam's delivery, unless of course he had been born prematurely and not died, should be a happy time. It sucks to be here planning a burial instead of welcoming or already be holding my baby boy.
I also wanted to include that Dereck and I had been trying to go to Church around the time before Liam and I were going to have surgery and then also started going more after he had passed away. We have never been big Church goers but always thought we'd go more once we had children. I thought going to Church and getting closer to my faith could possibly help me in healing process. So far we have gone about 5 times since Liam has passed and each and every time I can't even make it through one service without crying the majority of the time. There are babies or small children everywhere and I just can't handle it, or maybe its just that everyone looks so happy and joyful which I am not. Thinking maybe for now I'll just continue praying at home alone.
Many of you have commented a lot on my posts about me feeling the need to find someone who has a similar story as mine. I did end up finding someone who had fetal surgery but for a different birth defect, on twins at that, and one of them died shortly after delivery. I have also decided to finally email a few of the moms that have blogged about their experiences with the fetal surgery for treating myelomeningocele like Liam had. I have been worried about asking them questions about their feelings toward having more kids since having the fetal surgery because I feel so different since my child didn't live and of course theirs did. I don't know if anyone will write me back or not but would love to know their thoughts and fears going to into another pregnancy. I only emailed the one mom who had the twins and the others that have had another child since the surgery or are pregnant now since that is my greatest concern. Hopefully someone gets back to me and if not I am glad I have the rest of you that are so awesome in always supporting me.
I think it's a great idea to email the other Mothers, we're here to support you in the baby loss dept, and they can help you work through some of the feelings towards the surgeries. And that you found another mother who lost during surgery, is both sad (for her) and happy you might have someone to connect with. I'm hoping that some email you back.ReplyDelete
As for Liams burial.... I don't know what to say, any day that it falls on will be special, and so sad! Let us know what you decide so that we can be thinking of you and your family!
You don't have to go to church to get stronger in your faith. You can worship God on your own terms. Church would be too difficult for me too.ReplyDelete
I wish I could be more of a support for you but our losses are so different. If you ever need anything though, please don't hesitate to email me.
As far as Liam's burial...do what is best for you. Make that day as special as you want it to be. It is your day, and Liam's too. No one else's...hugs to you!
So sorry that you could have Liam's burial on Mother's Day... this will be such a memorable and heart-breaking day for you that you need to do what you want to do, exactly how you want to do it. Thinking of you as you prepare for his burial xoxoReplyDelete
I just found your blog yesterday. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand about going to church and crying through most of the service. That is how it has been for me since we went back to church. It is okay if you are not up to it. I really believe that God meets us where we are, no matter where that is (not only in a church).ReplyDelete
It took me a long, long time to be able to make it through church without crying (and really, I still am a frequent crier, but not every Sunday, like I used to be). It's hard to be around all those seemingly happy people and healthy babies.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry you won't be able to have Liam's burial on the day you wanted.