Do I Really Have to Wait....

My Perinatologist that I have been waiting to hear back from called me yesterday. I have had so many questions to ask, and when he called last time to discuss the autopsy, I was at work and couldn't talk long.

I have been struggling, pretty much since the point I was in the hospital recovering from the fetal surgery/c-section with the idea of wanting to get pregnant again almost immediately. I know emotionally I am not healed but really know I will never be completely healed from losing Liam, just hopefully be a little more at peace in the months to come. Mentally still drained but physically my body is feeling pretty good except for the occasional abdominal pain-think thats just my body telling me I'm over doing it and just wish this numb squishy area above my incision would go away.  In another 2 weeks I will be coming up to the 3 month mark, 3 months of life without Liam and also 3 months of my body healing from surgery. My doctor said that if I absolutely wanted/needed to get pregnant that 3 months would be the earliest but would prefer 6 months because then I would be way more emotionally and physically healed to take on a new pregnancy. Six months he said is the point when he can almost guarantee that there would be no chance of a uteral rupture which is one of my biggest fears right now. Another 3 months sounds so far away and if I get lucky and get pregnant right away that babies due date would literally be right around Liam's original due date, not that we would have ever made it there anyway. I guess really anytime in the next 3 months will be hard because if I did get pregnant in the next month then that baby would be due right around the time of Liam's one year angelversary, and I'm not sure how I'll handle that, let alone try to have a baby all around the same time. Hmmm.....

My Dr. and I discussed this for awhile and then he told me all about other moms who have had the fetal surgery and that many of them went onto have healthy children with no problems. The difference is that none of them lost there child in the fetal surgery like me. I feel that the only way for me to truly heal is to have a baby in my arms but I know the right thing is to let my body completely heal first. So to wait the 6 months and hope we don't have infertility issues again, or maybe just another month or so and try at the 4 or 5 month mark? Hmmmm...........

We then discussed a lot of other things relating to Liam's death and the autopsy and my feelings on making the right decision. I know that if we didn't have the surgery and if Liam would have still died at a later date I would've regretted not having the surgery. I will always wonder. We also talked more on the fetal surgery/c-section location on my uterus and about why it is so important for me to never go into labor with any future pregnancies. He says I shouldn't be so concerned, although he understands I have good reason, and says he has no reason to believe that my next pregnancy will not go good and I'll be blessed with a perfectly happy healthy baby. I guess all I can do is just have hope that he is right on that, but do I really have to wait another 3 months? hmmm......