Why Am I Still Up

It's late, I'm up, and I haven't slept much in the past few days. So why I am up, apparently it seems just to upset myself. I have been trying to look under different sites in hopes of finding blogs or forums or something that could connect me to some other fetal surgery moms who have lost there babies also. As I stated in my last post I love all of the support I get from each and everyone of you blm's and also love reading your blogs-you have all become a huge part of my life. I have come to realize just how important when I go to leave town for a night and don't have internet and I find myself freaking out because I want to be able to check and see what is going on with everyone.
In my searches all I end up with as usual, is just tons of blogs from all of the moms that were involved in the MOMS study, and of course they all still have there babies. I know I am expecting too much in trying to find someone so close to my situation and am grateful to all of you who posted that you will keep an eye out for me if you see or here anything at all related and are here for me even if our situations aren't exactly the same-but really whose is exactly the same. As another blogger put it- situation is different but the pain and loss of dreams is quite similar.
Every blog I find is another family talking about the MOMS study and how it changed their babies lives and how they felt it was meant for them to be apart of the study and have the surgery, etc. Well that is exactly what we thought but we got shit on-excuse my language but that is exactly how I feel. Now don't get me wrong, I am so happy that everything turned out so great, this surgery is a huge deal in the medical world since the results have been published in the NEJM, and that many of these moms all have blogs about there wonderful experiences and how they are close to all of the other families who lives were also greatly impacted because of this surgery but gall darn it, WTF went wrong with mine.
I know I have wrote about this so many times and I am really trying hard to accept a lot of what has happened,and also not be so angry and learn to accept that no one is to blame, but I don't think I will ever understand or get over this. How can someone do so much for their unborn baby and lose them anyway- or better yet why does anybody have to lose their baby. I should still be in San Francisco or with my family in Minnesota and within a few days-unless I went into premature labor first, having Liam via scheduled c-section and soon be sharing in the joy right along with all the fetal surgery moms whose babies lives are changed because of this. This just isn't fair and I want to scream right now, but should probably just try and get to bed before I am up all night making myself more crazy than I already feel. This week is going to be HELL, I can already picture it.