I was thinking today a lot about the person I was before and while I was pregnant compared to who I am now. It took us 2 years to get pregnant and when we finally got pregnant it was almost hard to believe. When we were trying it was so hard to want to stay happy when every month it was another disappointment; oh the chlomid didn't work, oh the IUI didn't work, oh Derecks out of town during the conceiving time- need to wait till next month, oh look my body isn't cooperating again-stupid body. We did obviously get pregnant though and all of those past worries were gone, I felt good, and the stress of trying to get pregnant had ended.
I remember that first month thinking maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones that will never get sick. Well I never really got sick, but had quite a few mornings of feeling nauseous, but that usually went away as soon as I ate something. During the 2nd through 3rd month the tiredness kicked in and I remember complaining so badly about how I hated being pregnant. I don't understand now why I was such a baby about it, I wasn't throwing up and nauseous all day, I was tired and that was about it. I am an active person, but this laying around business was getting in the way, how selfish of me.
I also had read a lot on "What to Expect When Your Expecting" and I remember reading about what they recommended you eat while being pregnant. No sushi, no deli meats, limit bad fats, limit caffeine, most of these things are things that I never really had a lot of anyway-except caffeine, I love coffee, espresso, and an occasional energy drink. Surprisingly it wasn't too hard for me to cut down to one or two cups of coffee tops in a day- I was pretty impressed with myself. For some reason though knowing I shouldn't have sushi or deli meats was making me crave like crazy a subway sandwich or a sushi roll. Same goes for having deep fried food, I was craving french fries and potato chips, actually I craved anything that came from a potato. Eventually later in pregnancy the cravings moved from potatoes to pasta and soft pretzels. I am normally a pretty healthy eater and now I rarely crave any of those things and I since have had a soft pretzel and think the one's I liked the most are horrible and don't understand how I liked them so much. Before I was pregnant I also had a huge sweet tooth, especially ice cream, but apparently Liam didn't like sweets because my horrible sugar addiction that I just couldn't kick, just vanished when I was pregnant.
By October I was starting my 4th month of pregnancy and had gotten a lot of energy back. My endurance was gone though which meant no more long hikes, but was happy I had the energy to at least lift weights and do light jogging and walking. Of course now I wasn't complaining about always be tired and having no energy but was starting to complain about how I am getting up 20 times a night to pee, and I normally get up a lot anyway but this was crazy, and also starting to have a hard time sleeping. I was never able to get comfortable and I think the knowing that I shouldn't be sleeping on back anymore was causing most of the problems.
November was about the same as October but then we get into December, moving into the 5th month. This was a very joyous yet sad, crazy month. This was the month that I felt Liam kicking. I had been waiting forever for that moment but the Dr. said it would take awhile to feel him kick since my placenta was in the front. I finally was starting to feel like, why I have I been complaining about being pregnant this is wonderful, I love knowing he's in there moving around. Of course the feelings of sadness and anger were also there trying to make sense on why baby had a severe case of Spina Bifida.
I find my self angry to think it took Liam's having Spina Bifida to open my eyes to just how much worthless complaining I had been doing and just how much love I had for him. Well I guess we all know how the story goes from there. How naive I was, complaining about such minor things and never once thinking about how at anytime I could miscarry or how I never even new of stillbirth, or be happy that my baby didn't have a fatal birth defect. I had a pretty easy pregnancy compared to many and yes, my baby did die way to early but how lucky I was for the time I had with him, I now know just how many people don't even get that.
That little guy was something special. I just can't believe in how the 6 short months I had with him I would come out a whole other person. My perspective on everything has changed, he has given me this whole new appreciation on life and love, everything that really matters.
I just read the 2nd quote on another blog which lead to me to find this first quote, both I find to be pretty powerful
When we're able/ready/willing to surrender, and stop being at war with our life...pain can transform to joy...and the relationship we have with the person we love who died nurtures us in a very real way.
When we are in pain, we become self-centered and myopic. When we heal, we become more empathetic, self-less, and sympathetic to the pain and welfare of others. It is our gift to others to heal ourselves." ~ Max Strom
I suppose it is that tragedies in life that remind us just how precious life is. That we need to appreciate each day, just as it is.ReplyDelete
So true that is, I just wish I didn't have to learn the hard way.ReplyDelete
I'd give anything to be that naive person I was before all of this grief! To be able to enjoy my baby and not think that the worst was going to happen.... Those are beautiful quotes.ReplyDelete
We are all so fortunate for the time we had with our little ones... and grief can truly be transformative - I just wish we didn't have to go through it to learn these amazing lessons. Beautiful quotes xoxoReplyDelete
I think it's human nature to take (and I hate the generalization of this word) things for granted. At any level. I don't think that you are naive...just human. Humans don't see, but through half closed eyes. Hear, but through the droning of their own selfish wants. Or learn to feel, but through loss. How else could you explain what something is worth without loss (or in my experience near loss)? I don't willingly admit this to many, Becky, but I very nearly epicly failed as a mother after my child was born...yet life moves on and you learn to appreciate what you have, through one means or another. It seems to me this blog will be your means. I hope you can take comfort in the words of your friends and the acceptance of the fact that you did your very human best as a mother to do everything in your power for your child...ReplyDelete
Hugs sweetie! You are a very good mommy! <3ReplyDelete