I had a blast last night. I had a few drinks, laughed, danced, and biked around in biker chick outfits. Yes, it was a biker chick themed bachelorette party and it was a blast. Now I know I have said it a million other times but I had a great time but thought about Liam and being a mom the entire evening. He is always on my mind whether I am thinking about how I would have had to get home early for the sitter, that is of course if Dereck was gone for work, or paying attention to the time so I could get enough sleep in before I got woken up to a hungry baby the next morning. I think about stuff like this every time I go anywhere. The thoughts change with the circumstance but they all revolve around the same thing. I don't think these thoughts will ever go away.
Take today for instance, it was a nice little BBQ and I knew the majority of the people there. One girl I new, were not close though, had her little boy who's about 1 or so years old, and then another couple shows up who I don't know comes in with an even younger baby girl, maybe 6 months old I'm guessing. It is rare for me to start crying anymore when I see these little ones nor will anyone notice from looking at me that it pains me at all, but it definitely affects me, just not like it used to. People always want to hold the babies and ask hundreds of questions and laugh at all the adorable things they do. To be a baby loss mom and have to sit and watch this go on is so unfair. It makes me wonder what it would be like to show up with my little guy and get these same comments and reactions. I will never get asked how Liam is doing, how old he is now, or get told how much he has grown since the last time so and so has seen him. To many that don't know my story I probably just appear that I have no children and/or no interest in there babies.
Back to getting married. All of these friends are getting married and are incredibly happy to start this next chapter in there life. Now I have friends that aren't married and never want to have kids, friends that are married and already have kids, and then of course there are the friends that are getting married but just want to have fun and hold off on having kids for quite a few years. I remember getting married and knowing I wanted to have kids reasonably soon. Dereck and I had only lived in Alaska for a year and a half when we got married. I loved Alaska and went into the ttc time thinking that it will be okay if it doesn't happen right away because I am loving Alaska and all of the friends I have made and all of the adventures to still be had.
But then of course it happens that your not able to get pregnant as soon as you thought it should happen and you convince yourself to look into more options and see if there's a problem but at the same time thinking that your still young and you have time. You set up a plan with yourself that you got married and things are great and you will have at least one child by the time your 30. Things of course don't go as planned since your body doesn't seem to want to follow the game plan as you like and have to start looking into infertility crap. Then you finally get pregnant and think alright we are still on track since the baby will be born a couple months after you turn 30. You become a mom and finally get to meet your precious little boy just 3 weeks before your 30th birthday, but of course he can't stick around for reasons you'll never know the answer to.
So as I think about how happy I am for all my friends who are already married and have kids and how lucky they are that things are going good for them I also think about the friends who are just starting this next chapter in there life. Will they get pregnant when they are ready or will it be a big surprise, will it come easy or will they need help with it, and will there babies all come into this world screaming and outlive there parents. Or could it end up that there lives get flipped upside down in the matter of minutes and they are forever changed. Now I have said this many times that I don't wish this upon anyone because it is has been hell for me lately but the thing is that no one knows what's going to happen. I guess what I'm getting at is that I am happy for everyone who is happy, they all should be and deserve to be. But every time I see others happiness there is that small part of me that remembers when I never thought life could throw this at me. I would like to go back to the time when I didn't completely know and understand first hand that things, like pregnancy, don't always work out. Maybe even just believe that stuff like that only happens to other people. A time when I thought the little things were a major life crisis. I'll never get that back.
I would like to go back to "that time" as well. I think all of us in this community would. Go back to when our lives were normal, not our redefined normal!
ReplyDeleteSo many things of what you mentioned ring true for me too. I can nod at every line of what you wrote.
ReplyDeleteMy life and thinking have changed so much after the stuff which I believed happens only with others, happened with me. I often think of people, whom I know, who have gone through life changing tragedies. I feel the life am living now is the real one..with actual pain. The grief. Loss. There were problems always in my life but this whole life thing until my baby died was actually a trailer. Only now am coming face to face with real 'life'
Hi Becky - we don't know each other, but I've been following your blog as recommended by a friend. I actually think that there is some relation with my cousin and his wife (Jeff & Nichelle Kluver) and possibly your husband???
ReplyDeleteAnyway, long story short... My husband and I lost our first child as well - a beautiful blue-eyed baby boy born on Christmas Even 2009 - Owen Jake Ostlund. We have never been able to have children since (one early miscarriage this spring, but it honestly feels like it never even happened - such a whirlwind). We have now been going through the grueling process of infertility treatments, and I feel like a ticking time bomb... ready to combust from the pressures of this life. Your blog puts my thoughts into words in ways that I can't do. I have such a hard time describing my feelings or explaining why certain things make me feel sad, I just can't put it into words. Thank you for sharing your blog with us! Although your intentions probably are just to vent and keep yourself "sane", your posts do a whole lot more than that.
So thanks again for sharing. I am sorry that you also have to go through what we are going through...it sometimes seems like it is just us. It saddens me that there is another couple out there with the same anger, sadness, loss, and sometimes a sense of hopelessness. That you are literally going through the exact same process as we are right now (we also couldn't try to conceive in July - things just didn't work out - GRRR!) But, do know that you are not alone.
Kristin Ostlund
kristinostlund@hotmail.com
I'm glad you had fun hanging out with your friends :)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean when you said "not knowing that life would throw this at me." I was so naive when I was pregnant the first time with Matthew, and I wish that I could get that innocence back. But, I can't. I'm sorry that any of us have had to experience babyloss; it doesn't seem fair...
I'm thinking about you and praying for you!
I also know what you mean and I miss that "me" and when I see other couples looking to the future I always think back. I find your blog very imformative about pregnancy too, we cant afford to look into fertility treatments but we have been trying, I cant bear the thought of it being years or never. I am so hoping it happens for you
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