I just hate this! I feel so frigging paranoid about anything and everything these days. I thought I was bad before but tonight I am a complete wreck. I have been crying for over an hour already about how I'm so worried that if I am pregnant I have already probably ruined that babies chances of not having a birth defect. I am not even 100% sure I am pregnant yet and I am just going nuts. I wish I could just hide out somewhere away from everything that could possibly pose a threat to my maybe baby. I probably just sound crazy and the worst thing is that the more I think about something that could or could not harm a fetus the more I need to research about it. I do this way to much but here I was again reading different baby books and looking online making myself more scared that I am doing everything wrong.
So here is what has got me freaking out this time:
Bell peppers got aphids. Freaked out because they are covered in these bugs and want to get rid of them now. Find old bug insecticide that I bought last year and cover all sides of my plants. Also end up wiping all the leaves off by hand with a cloth to remove supposed dead bugs. Try to be safe and wear gloves and keep windows open because I am indoors. Manage to get some odd and end spray and drippings of bug killer on my arms. Wash my arms immediately after I am done handling the spray and plants but fearing it already absorbed into my skin along with the fumes I probably inhaled while spraying. Sent my infested plants with my friend, hopefully the bugs are dead but don't even want them in my house anymore.
Since the plants are gone I felt the need to clean that section of the house thoroughly since the spray probably got on everything. Hoping the open window took care of the lingering fumes. Ahhhh! Still freaking out because now I am worried that I am inhaling all of the fumes from all of the cleaner that I used to scrub that section of the house down. Read one book that says most household cleaners are fine but just keep a window open for the fumes but that instecticides can cause birth defects. Oh fuck me. Then I start bawling on how stupid I am and should have just thrown the damn plants away or found some natural way to kill the bugs. It's like I am just not thinking properly these days, actually the last 6 months. I know its not official that I am pregnant but I feel like I have been so optimistic that it was going to happen this month and believe I am, but now I feel like I fucked it all up already. Already ruined that babies chances of a healthy start. Then I start thinking about Liam and how I manage to do stupid things on occasion without thinking first and bound and determined that there had to have been something that I did that caused his spina bifida. Cry even more and harder because I miss Liam and feel that I did this to him.
I have been doing so good about not blaming myself for Liam's spina bifida and death until now. Now that I am possibly pregnant I feel everything I did when pregnant with him probably aided in his demise and I am repeating probably the same stupid mistakes now. I have read the books and online info about pregnancy a hundred times. I have talked to my doctor over and over. Yes, stupid of me to probably have used the bug spray, but why do I have to live in this constant fear. It's not even just the bug spray its just everything.