Today I feel like I have been in a very dark place. It has been awhile since I have felt this much anger at the world. This is not a happy post because I am clearly not happy.
This is the mood I am in:
- I hate that my son had a severe case of spina bifida and was going to need surgery no matter what, whether it was fetal surgery or right after birth.
- I hate that I chose to have the fetal surgery because doing so killed him.
- I hate that so many other mothers have chosen to get fetal surgery and had great results and I have to live with the fact that my son died from it and was also the first baby the hospital ever lost in the surgery.
- I hate that I have to live without him for the rest of my life and that my heart will always ache.
- I hate that I never got to hear him cry, rock him to sleep, give him his first bath, see him crawl, never get to see him grow up.
- I hate that all my hopes and dreams for him were gone in the matter of a few hour surgery, that I had to wake up from the surgery only to be told that they had to deliver my baby and that he couldn't be resuscitated.
- I hate that everyone around me keeps getting pregnant and is having healthy living babies.
- I hate that my family has acted like they have just wanted me to move on, get over it, and be happy since Liam died. They don't even bring him up or ask how I am doing, they wouldn't like my answer anyway,
- I hate that I let myself get optimistic and excited about getting pregnant again.
- I hate that I actually convinced myself that just maybe the world would let me have this one request of getting pregnant the first try. So foolish am I.
- I hate that if my ovulation comes at the same time as last cycle Dereck will be gone at work. He is already trying to see if he can find a way to get that week off or this month is screwed.
- I hate even more that if we don't get pregnant this cycle next ovulation time in August would fall again when Dereck is gone for work and I'll be out of state for a wedding. Clearly thinking too far ahead but the optimism is gone. Just too hard to believe that something could actually work out right for us. I feel like its all going to be a repeat of the 2 years ttc Liam.
- I hate even more that this is the type of shit I have been having to think about for the past 6 1/2 months when I should be playing, loving, and cuddling with my son.
I am hating on the world a bit much today....maybe tomorrow will be better.