Here is what I wrote the other day when I was still furious after my Dr. appt:
I am probably being just a huge baby about everything but I am just so tired of all of this. I am to the point that I don't know what else to do other than just take down all of my pictures of Liam in the house and pack up anything that's visible that reminds me of him and just put it all away. Out of sight out of mind, right? This pain is just eating away at me and I can't handle it. I am trying to stay busy and not think so hard about EVERYTHING, but it is impossible it seems. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I am torn. Some people would prefer I just be happy, move on, quite stressing, and have a nothing you can do about it attitude. The rest make me feel like if I am stressing this bad over not being able to get pregnant than maybe I just am not ready to get pregnant. They want me to wait, just give yourself more time to grieve they say. Then I get treated like I am just trying to replace Liam with a new pregnancy and that I think all my worries will go away with a new baby. Ugh!
So that was the other day and I have calmed down now. I did however take all of Liam's pictures down and put them away. I now feel like I need to take them back out though. I love looking at all of his pictures. I had them all over my house,spread across the mantel and hanging in our bedroom. I have never cared what people thought about them, yes they are pictures of a deceased baby boy, but he is my baby boy and I love him. I know the out of sight out of mind thing wouldn't work for me anyway and truthfully it would be wrong of me to try and do.
Since my counselor that I had been seeing left the country over 2 months ago now I haven't been seeing/talking to anyone about my grief except at grief group and with some friends. I decided that maybe I needed to talk to someone again since I took the news from my Dr. the other day really, really hard. I didn't know where to go and I really didn't want to start from the beginning with my whole story again. My last counselor had given me a list of referrals but none of them my ins. covered so I randomly chose a name off my ins. provider list. I called and made an appt with the counselor and she just so happened to have a cancellation that afternoon. I went in and met with her and discovered that she specializes in womens health, like fertility issues, and actually gets a lot of referrals from the infertility dr.'s in town. What are the chances I choose randomly off a list and got what seems to be the perfect person. I shared with her my story of Liam and how we are ttc again. She seems nice and I feel pretty comfortable talking with her. Maybe she will be good for me with my grieving, stress from ttc again, and WHEN I get pregnant again can help me with all my crazy fears and worries.
I also spoke with my Ob dr. yesterday. I had a lot of questions and my counselor wanted me to try and set up a game plan. I asked her about the use of Clomid and IUI's and just how many cycles she would do of it before we'd try something else. She said she would like to do 6 before moving on because I did afterall get pregnant with Liam on my 2nd IUI last time. She did mention also that if I wanted to try a diff. drug than Clomid we could do that but she would like me to try a double dose of Clomid first. She also had to remind me about the chance of getting pregnant with or without help is still only around 10-25% a month. I often forget that. Just jealous of all the people that have gotten knocked up on the first try I guess. My dr. also said that we can't really count this month as a trying month because most likely I didn't/won't ovulate. Although like I said in my last post she did say there is a very small chance I could've and we could be pregnant on our own. It would be a nice surprise but I am not getting that thought in my head, I feel even thinking about it I am jinxing myself already. I am confused though on why we wouldn't count this month since not ovulating is obviously a problem I have dealt with it for a long time, but she is the Dr. and I believe she is doing what's best for me and trust her completely.
All in all the last half of my week is going better. I am thinking a little clearer now, feeling very little stress at the moment, and excited for good friends bachelorette party tomorrow!