Thursday, August 4, 2011

Appt #2 And Probably The Last With The New Counselor

I thought I was going to really like my new counselor, the one I wrote about last week. She seemed perfect I thought since she liked working with women's health, especially fertility related stuff. I don't think its going to work out though. I hate to give up on her so soon since it was only the second appt but she just made me furious today. Not once did I ever leave my old counselors office crying as hard as I did today. I mean I have cried in appts before because I was talking about Liam and it made me sad, but we barely even talked about Liam. So what did we talk about then? Well, she decided that there is help for me and that I am an intelligent person and we are going to get to work on changing my way of thinking today.

She told me I need to stop thinking about all my future pregnancy fears because I just need to get pregnant first. Makes sense and I know that worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet isn't helping me. I have been better about that and calmed down a lot I think in regards to those pregnancy fears. I also get why she wants me to just focus on the present because stress and ttc aren't a good combination. Here is the part about this appt. that really pissed me off though. She pretty much told me that if I want to get pregnant I need to forget my past.
Yeah, forget my past right! Did you even listen to my story last time about what happened to me and my baby?
She said that I can't change it, it happened and its in the past now. I know I can't change it but it doesn't mean my heart still doesn't hurt. She then told me that I need to go home and write a good bye letter to Liam. A letter telling him that I love him and sad that he had to die but that I will always love him, but that in order for me to have another baby I need to say goodbye.

I don't know what anybody else thinks of that but I started bawling my eyes out. I am not to that point yet and really I don't want to ever just say "goodbye maybe I'll see you again sometime." Is she not aware its only been 7 months.

She didn't ask anymore questions about me, life, or family. I feel like she barely knows anything since we only had one appt. I just feel like she didn't even listen to me. I wasn't looking for someone to help me forget my son. I wanted someone to talk to about Liam and share my feelings with. I don't get to talk about him that often and she doesn't think I should talk about him at all because that's in the past. GRRRR! I am so angry by that. Then she had me do these exercises to see how I would handle certain situations where she would make up a scenario and I would tell her how I'd react to the situations. Would I handle them by yelling, crying, walking away, more less would I be able to handle it without letting my emotions completely take over. Somehow she decides it would be fitting though to have one of her scenarios revolve around kids.

For example:
Her: Tell me what you would do if your baby was crying?
(All I am thinking about is why are we talking about crying babies. What I would do if my baby was crying right now. I'd be jumping for joy not here is what I'd be doing!)
Me: Ugh, I don't know.
Her: Well you'll have to see if the baby needs to be fed or if the diaper needs to be changed. Babies can't communicate with you in the way we can. You have to be patient and figure out what the baby needs. etc...
Me: Ugh, I, I, I don't have a living baby. I don't know.
(no shit about checking if the baby needs to be fed or changed, but why are talking about crying babies when mine is clearly dead and your supposed to be helping me cope with that.)

She then changed the subject (thankfully) about me having dogs and how I would deal with them if they weren't listening since they can't communicate with us in the same way either. I just responded with saying maybe yell at them or pull up on there choker. Just depends on what they were or weren't doing.

Then she asks how I would react if I went to my next Ob appt and she tells me again that my follicles didn't respond, I most likely won't ovulate again, and we can't proceed with the IUI again. I told her I don't know but maybe yell and bawl my eyes out. I cried hard last time hearing that. She of course asked about what I would do after the crying stopped, then what. I said probably look into the next month. She said that's right because you can't do nothing about it.

She brings up the last one, I don't remember exactly what she said though since my tears were pouring down my face, but it was again baby/child related. Like I said I can't remember but the last thing she said of that part of our conversation was that no child ever died because a parent was too stressed out. If that were the case there would never be any kids.

WTF is wrong with this lady! Am I over reacting here? I just wanted to talk about Liam today, that's all, not this. I went into the appt in a good mood and shouldn't feel worse after I leave.


  1. Wow she seems pretty harsh with the "put Liam in the past bit". I have an extremely hard time thinking of Liam "in the past" and like, leaving him there.

    I think writing a letter to Liam saying goodbye is overkill and not to mention EXTREMELY difficult. Don't people know that we already SAID goodbye and it was terrible? Ugh... I'm sorry you had to deal with her. Also those scenarios she gave you...WTF?

  2. I would have been very upset about the idea of "forgetting" about my baby. Fuck that.

    I think writing a letter to Liam to let him know that you're thinking of him and missing him everyday is a great idea. But a goodbye letter? Does she actually think that would work?


  3. Wow! My therapist rarely ever talks in my sessions unless it's to point out some extremely un-rational thoughts I am having. Damn, I don't think I could handle all that either. It is a lot of work to shop around and find new doctors/therapists etc especially when you have a story as sad as losing a child. I wish it were better for you and you can find someone who will be supportive to you~

  4. This doctor is very insensitive. Her idea about writing a goodbye letter to a baby not living makes me think whether she has her own children, or whether any thoughts of losing them has crossed her mind ever.
    Am not totally shocked by the insensitive comment because I have come across so many of them myself. From my family, extended family when my baby died, from friends to doctors to random people in Dubai...I really get angry when I think about them but then I think about my baby and try to stop my thoughts about these insensitive people. They are not even worth that.
    Am really sorry someone you were hoping to get support from turned out like this. I think there are very few people who are not blms will genuinely understand us and feel for us

  5. Wow. I never go back. Clearly she's never lost a child or she wouldn't have told u that. My counselor is awesome. Wish u lived closer and could see her.

  6. OMGosh! She obviously does not have any experience with baby loss moms. Shopping around for a new counselor is tough, I haven't found one yet who has baby loss experience in my area. I wish you nothing but good luck in your hunt for a good counselor for you.
    Dont let your last appt with her discourage you or upset you anymore than it already has. Its not worth it!

  7. Wow...I wouldn't be able to go back. Sounds like she is giving advice to get over an ex-boyfriend not a child. I'm really surprised about the goodbye letter. Addi may be part of my past, but it's important to keep her memory in my present and future she was real and very much apart of my life.

    Sorry it was such a hard session. I know that worrying about getting pregnant won't help, but when people say don't worry it just makes me worry more. If we could stop worrying we would have stopped months ago! So sorry she put you in a worse spot and offered no relief :(

  8. I agree with some of these other people; she doesn't sound like she has any experience at all with babyloss moms. I wouldn't write a goodbye letter to Liam...he will always be a part of your life...he will always have a piece of your heart. After all, he was your first son! I can't believe how insensitive she was to you. ugh!

    I would definitely look around for a different counselor. Maybe someone who has more experience with parents who have gone through a baby/child loss. Hope you are able to find someone more understanding! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that :(

  9. Wow, she doesnt sound like she has any experience with loss or how to handle it. To tell you to put it in the past is just so wrong.From the scenarios she also sounds condisending. I wouldnt go back there.

  10. she's crazy. but you know that. liam will be a part of you forever and ever. he will be the sweet spirit brother to his future siblings. he will always be your first child, your first born, your first love. honor and embrace that, don't try and say goodbye to it. jesus h.

    why is she having you imagine all this bad shit, like what will happen if ? imagine the GOOD stuff, not to get all new agey, but my god, you've been through hell, you need to be positive and have hope for the future. with hope comes plenty of fear, too - that's part of the game. but you just keep breathing and moving forward and hoping and breathing through the fear. man. i want to punch that lady. in the words of donald trump: YOU'RE FIRED.

    i'm sorry you had to go through that. wishing you better luck with a brand spanking NEW therapist, love. and lots of luck with follicles and such, too. x

  11. Um, no.

    Last appointment, agreed! I couldn't even finish this before commenting because I was so heated. WE REFUSE TO FORGET OUT BABIES. While ttc and pregnancy after loss are not easy and harder because of losing our babies, we are only wanting more children because of how much we love our first! They made us realize how wonderful having a baby would be-- so to say that you should forget is some serious BS.

    Don't listen to her. At all. Remember, a therapist is not supposed to make YOU feel bad. And also, I don't like the suggestions, either. But that's probably why I don't go to a therapist because I don't want to hear from someone who hasn't lost a baby how to cope. And also, I want to cope the way I want to cope.

    Don't ever let go of Liam-- he's the one who made you a mother and the one who makes you want to have more babies.

    Screw her.

  12. Agree to what everyone else has told you. Find another counselor or therapist. My therapist that I see twice a month will occasionally make a comment or say something but for the most part I am just talking, talking (and crying). My counselor is a family therapist so maybe you could find one that deals with loss in families? I am so sorry you've had such a terrible experience with this person. I wish I could do something to help you. I also think a "goodbye" letter to Liam is not warranted. You write him a letter but not necessarily that type. I've wrote letters to my Leia and that has helped. Thinking of you and if you ever want to chat again over the phone just let me know. I am around mornings but I think that time probably doesn't work for you based where you are. <>

  13. That woman is crazy! Run as fast as you can! The first counselor my husband and I went to after losing Wilhem was horrible too. She started out asking about us not knowing why we were there. She saw on the form we filled out that we had been married 7 years and had no kids (I had no idea at the time how to fill out that form!) and her response was "Wow, you have been married 7 years, and really no kids, hmm you usually see couples with a couple of kids by 5 years, is this a choice?". I of course broke down in tears and it had only been about 2 weeks since Wilhem had died and we had struggled for 5 years to get pregnant to begin with. She also went on to compare our situation to how one of her many kids was born a month early and how hard that was. Mind you that child lived, so not sure how that even compared to our situation. Needless to say we NEVER went back to that crazy woman. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I know how awful it feels to not get what you need from a counselor. Thinking of you and Liam.

  14. She definitely sounds insensitive... it is impossible to forget the past and Liam will always be part of you and your story. She should respect that. My heart goes out to you and hope that you find someone you feel that you can work with... I feel that getting pregnant for me is about bringing the past, present and future together... not forgetting anything. Love to you always xoxo

  15. You definitely need to find a new counselor. I can't believe the things she was saying. I feel so bad that you had to listen to her nonsense.

  16. Wow, she seems really insensitive. Write a goodbye letter? I don't think so. Ever.

    And giving you a scenario about a baby crying. That is so heartless. I would also be jumping for joy if Jacob was crying, but since you were there because your baby is dead, what kind of person gives that as a scenario.

    I think you are better off without her.

  17. I'm no expert, but any therapy appointment that makes you feel angry and sad like that is NOT okay. I hope you can find another therapist. I agree that it makes perfect sense to focus on one obstacle at a time when it comes to getting pregnant (I say this as someone who can easily freak myself by spinning a zillion hypothetical scenarios in my head). But you do not have to say good bye to your baby in order to move forward with your life.

  18. I am behind on reading... but wow! this is ridiculous! I would make a formal complaint. no one should be treated that way, and furthermore no baby should have to be "erased" to look forward. This blows me away. Hugs to you. You are definitely better off without her.

  19. i'm so sorry i missed this post. wow, i can't believe your counselor would tell you to say "goodbye" to Liam. that is insane! i think you are completely right to say goodbye to her!!!


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