I thought I was going to really like my new counselor, the one I wrote about last week. She seemed perfect I thought since she liked working with women's health, especially fertility related stuff. I don't think its going to work out though. I hate to give up on her so soon since it was only the second appt but she just made me furious today. Not once did I ever leave my old counselors office crying as hard as I did today. I mean I have cried in appts before because I was talking about Liam and it made me sad, but we barely even talked about Liam. So what did we talk about then? Well, she decided that there is help for me and that I am an intelligent person and we are going to get to work on changing my way of thinking today.
She told me I need to stop thinking about all my future pregnancy fears because I just need to get pregnant first. Makes sense and I know that worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet isn't helping me. I have been better about that and calmed down a lot I think in regards to those pregnancy fears. I also get why she wants me to just focus on the present because stress and ttc aren't a good combination. Here is the part about this appt. that really pissed me off though. She pretty much told me that if I want to get pregnant I need to forget my past.
Yeah, forget my past right! Did you even listen to my story last time about what happened to me and my baby?
She said that I can't change it, it happened and its in the past now. I know I can't change it but it doesn't mean my heart still doesn't hurt. She then told me that I need to go home and write a good bye letter to Liam. A letter telling him that I love him and sad that he had to die but that I will always love him, but that in order for me to have another baby I need to say goodbye.
I don't know what anybody else thinks of that but I started bawling my eyes out. I am not to that point yet and really I don't want to ever just say "goodbye maybe I'll see you again sometime." Is she not aware its only been 7 months.
She didn't ask anymore questions about me, life, or family. I feel like she barely knows anything since we only had one appt. I just feel like she didn't even listen to me. I wasn't looking for someone to help me forget my son. I wanted someone to talk to about Liam and share my feelings with. I don't get to talk about him that often and she doesn't think I should talk about him at all because that's in the past. GRRRR! I am so angry by that. Then she had me do these exercises to see how I would handle certain situations where she would make up a scenario and I would tell her how I'd react to the situations. Would I handle them by yelling, crying, walking away, more less would I be able to handle it without letting my emotions completely take over. Somehow she decides it would be fitting though to have one of her scenarios revolve around kids.
Her: Tell me what you would do if your baby was crying?
(All I am thinking about is why are we talking about crying babies. What I would do if my baby was crying right now. I'd be jumping for joy not here is what I'd be doing!)
Me: Ugh, I don't know.
Her: Well you'll have to see if the baby needs to be fed or if the diaper needs to be changed. Babies can't communicate with you in the way we can. You have to be patient and figure out what the baby needs. etc...
Me: Ugh, I, I, I don't have a living baby. I don't know.
(no shit about checking if the baby needs to be fed or changed, but why are talking about crying babies when mine is clearly dead and your supposed to be helping me cope with that.)
She then changed the subject (thankfully) about me having dogs and how I would deal with them if they weren't listening since they can't communicate with us in the same way either. I just responded with saying maybe yell at them or pull up on there choker. Just depends on what they were or weren't doing.
Then she asks how I would react if I went to my next Ob appt and she tells me again that my follicles didn't respond, I most likely won't ovulate again, and we can't proceed with the IUI again. I told her I don't know but maybe yell and bawl my eyes out. I cried hard last time hearing that. She of course asked about what I would do after the crying stopped, then what. I said probably look into the next month. She said that's right because you can't do nothing about it.
She brings up the last one, I don't remember exactly what she said though since my tears were pouring down my face, but it was again baby/child related. Like I said I can't remember but the last thing she said of that part of our conversation was that no child ever died because a parent was too stressed out. If that were the case there would never be any kids.
WTF is wrong with this lady! Am I over reacting here? I just wanted to talk about Liam today, that's all, not this. I went into the appt in a good mood and shouldn't feel worse after I leave.