August

A quick update about ttc. I finished up my Clomid yesterday. I took a double dose this month. I have never had a reaction before when I took the single dose but ever since I started taking double this cycle I have had a headache everyday and have felt like I can barely think, blah. As long as it works I can deal with that. Crossing my fingers the follicles will be ready to go for an IUI at my Ob visit on Tuesday.
I am not overly excited for this cycle but yet not down and depressed. I am okay and at peace with things for now and hope through that my stress won't interfere with me ovulating.

August has been a busy month and it is amazing how fast it has gone by. Is it really the 19th of August already? Here is what's been going on outside of the ttc business.



One of my Halibut. Also caught cod and silver salmon

Went fishing the first weekend of August with 8 friends on one of the couples boat. We went out in Prince William Sound. We stayed on the boat 2 nights, which I was rather nervous about at first. I tend not to get sea sick but I have also never slept on a boat before either. We surprisingly had pretty good weather though so we were able to get a lot of fishing in, and no sickness. It was so much fun. On Saturday night I ended up having a couple of baileys in coffee, love them, after I took a pregnancy test on the boat that morning giving me the first BFN I wrote about the other week. I also had a great talk with the friend whose boat we were on about Liam. She had heard that I had lost a baby, but never new the details, and its always nice to be able to talk about him. She listened and sounded so sincere, I love her.

I like how I can't go anywhere, fun times or not, and not think about what we would or should be doing now if he were here.

The second weekend I went to a friends wedding. This was the first wedding I have attended since Liam passed. There are always babies at weddings and they are so cute crawling around the dance floor. How could I not stare at them and wish that my little guy was with them. There were even 2 mothers there with there little ones, both boys and in chest carriers. I overheard that one was 3 months and the other 6 months, Liam would be right between them two in age. I am not lying when I say I was staring at them all night and I was jealous. Very, very jealous. 

Will I always feel this way, even after I have another baby? Will I then be holding my next baby while staring at the 2 year olds, 3 year olds, and so on and be saddened by the fact that Liam should be that age also. Probably.

Summer softball has ended and Dereck and I started playing fall ball(softball) this past week. Same as always, wish I couldn't play because I was pregnant but since I am not, playing softball is a great way to stay busy a few nights a week.

I have been playing on this team for about 3 months now and had a couple of friends on the team before I started. Most of the team knew each other well since they had played together for the past several years and then there were some new people to the team this summer also. Besides Dereck and I only 2 other people, I think, knew that I was pregnant last year and had lost my baby. I make very little effort to get to know people anymore. I hate small talk, not that I have ever been a huge fan of it, but overall it seems that if we weren't friends prior to Jan. 3rd I don't really have anything to say to you unless you want to hear about Liam or ttc. I rarely speak to some old friends but have managed to make a few new good friends since. I kind of feel lucky that I got to get to know them because they are all great people (2 of these people were the owners of the boat we were on).
Now my softball teammates though, I barely know any of them. Like I said its been almost 3 months and they seem really nice and lots of fun to be around but I just can't bring myself to loosen up and just say, well anything, not even a "how's it going" or even a "hello" most of the time. I often wonder if my teammates just assume I am shy and quiet or just am always cranky. It has happened more than once that I have came to a game and have been in a crappy mood because I had a sad/bad day.

When I was growing up I was the loud, always talking, probably even cut you off when you tried to speak kind of girl(not on purpose of course). I just loved to talk and for that reason my parents nicknamed me the mouth. I was very outgoing and made friends fairly easily, but that girl seems to be gone. I am meeting lots of people, still getting out, and staying busy doing various activities but I just don't have anything to say anymore. Half the time when anyone, other than close friends, says anything to me I give such lame one word responses like okay, ya, ehh. Who am I and why can't I just speak? Then there is just the always being tired and lacking in energy part of me. I know I have said it many times but I am just so tired of being tired. I want my energy back.

Tomorrow is the Walk To Remember here in Anchorage. I am so happy Dereck is home to do it with me. I can't wait for the balloon release in memory of all the babies lost.