Friday, August 19, 2011


A quick update about ttc. I finished up my Clomid yesterday. I took a double dose this month. I have never had a reaction before when I took the single dose but ever since I started taking double this cycle I have had a headache everyday and have felt like I can barely think, blah. As long as it works I can deal with that. Crossing my fingers the follicles will be ready to go for an IUI at my Ob visit on Tuesday.
I am not overly excited for this cycle but yet not down and depressed. I am okay and at peace with things for now and hope through that my stress won't interfere with me ovulating.

August has been a busy month and it is amazing how fast it has gone by. Is it really the 19th of August already? Here is what's been going on outside of the ttc business.

One of my Halibut. Also caught cod and silver salmon
Went fishing the first weekend of August with 8 friends on one of the couples boat. We went out in Prince William Sound. We stayed on the boat 2 nights, which I was rather nervous about at first. I tend not to get sea sick but I have also never slept on a boat before either. We surprisingly had pretty good weather though so we were able to get a lot of fishing in, and no sickness. It was so much fun. On Saturday night I ended up having a couple of baileys in coffee, love them, after I took a pregnancy test on the boat that morning giving me the first BFN I wrote about the other week. I also had a great talk with the friend whose boat we were on about Liam. She had heard that I had lost a baby, but never new the details, and its always nice to be able to talk about him. She listened and sounded so sincere, I love her.
I like how I can't go anywhere, fun times or not, and not think about what we would or should be doing now if he were here.

The second weekend I went to a friends wedding. This was the first wedding I have attended since Liam passed. There are always babies at weddings and they are so cute crawling around the dance floor. How could I not stare at them and wish that my little guy was with them. There were even 2 mothers there with there little ones, both boys and in chest carriers. I overheard that one was 3 months and the other 6 months, Liam would be right between them two in age. I am not lying when I say I was staring at them all night and I was jealous. Very, very jealous. 
Will I always feel this way, even after I have another baby? Will I then be holding my next baby while staring at the 2 year olds, 3 year olds, and so on and be saddened by the fact that Liam should be that age also. Probably.

Summer softball has ended and Dereck and I started playing fall ball(softball) this past week. Same as always, wish I couldn't play because I was pregnant but since I am not, playing softball is a great way to stay busy a few nights a week.
I have been playing on this team for about 3 months now and had a couple of friends on the team before I started. Most of the team knew each other well since they had played together for the past several years and then there were some new people to the team this summer also. Besides Dereck and I only 2 other people, I think, knew that I was pregnant last year and had lost my baby. I make very little effort to get to know people anymore. I hate small talk, not that I have ever been a huge fan of it, but overall it seems that if we weren't friends prior to Jan. 3rd I don't really have anything to say to you unless you want to hear about Liam or ttc. I rarely speak to some old friends but have managed to make a few new good friends since. I kind of feel lucky that I got to get to know them because they are all great people (2 of these people were the owners of the boat we were on).
Now my softball teammates though, I barely know any of them. Like I said its been almost 3 months and they seem really nice and lots of fun to be around but I just can't bring myself to loosen up and just say, well anything, not even a "how's it going" or even a "hello" most of the time. I often wonder if my teammates just assume I am shy and quiet or just am always cranky. It has happened more than once that I have came to a game and have been in a crappy mood because I had a sad/bad day.
When I was growing up I was the loud, always talking, probably even cut you off when you tried to speak kind of girl(not on purpose of course). I just loved to talk and for that reason my parents nicknamed me the mouth. I was very outgoing and made friends fairly easily, but that girl seems to be gone. I am meeting lots of people, still getting out, and staying busy doing various activities but I just don't have anything to say anymore. Half the time when anyone, other than close friends, says anything to me I give such lame one word responses like okay, ya, ehh. Who am I and why can't I just speak? Then there is just the always being tired and lacking in energy part of me. I know I have said it many times but I am just so tired of being tired. I want my energy back.

Tomorrow is the Walk To Remember here in Anchorage. I am so happy Dereck is home to do it with me. I can't wait for the balloon release in memory of all the babies lost.


  1. Good luck TTC this month! Hoping everything looks awesome at your appointment on Tuesday!

    I feel like you when it comes to that making little effort to get to know new people anymore. Even worse, I have definitely pushed away friends after losing Joshua and Matthew. It just seems so ridiculous that they're worrying about partying, drinking, and petty drama when there are much more important things(at least to me). It seems that babyloss can change your entire personality & outlook on life.

    Anyways, hope you balloon release goes well. Thinking about you and Liam! <3

  2. I hope this is the month for you.. We all need a little frigging hope. :)

    I;m sure the Walk to Remember will be tough, but so glad your hubby will be by your side.

  3. Love that big halibut,its making me hungry. I feel the same way now when it comes to socializing and making small talk. I hope your Walk goes well, sending fertility wishes.

  4. Sending you lot of wishes, hopes, this month.

    I think even when I have another baby I will be still jealous of kids who are about my little Vitu's age. In fact, I know many friends, relatives who had a baby a few months before or later after my little Vitu. I may be a sadist, but it really pains me to think that all those babies lived and just my sweet baby didn't.

  5. Hi Becky,
    Thanks for the lovely comments you've been leaving on my blog, it's nice to meet you, although I wish the circumstances were different and we held our babes in your arms.

    Fingers are crossed for good news come Tuesdays appointment and I wish you a good walk tomorrow - good in that you feel a part of a bigger picture, knowing there is so much support out there and also giving that time to remember your precious Liam.

    You are not alone with the small talk - I am only just getting back into the swing of that and can't stand it. Elizabeth is why I am and that is hard for others to hear, let alone talk about - doesn't make much of an opening line really. It will come...

  6. I'm glad you've bene getting out and doing things. I never feel like doing it, but I'm always glad when I do.

    I'm so glad that you were able to talk to that woman on the boat. It makes such a big difference.

    I'm 14 months out from losing Jacob and I still look at babies who are around his age and compare constantly. Always thinking of what our lives should be like right now.

    I hope TTC goes well this month. I'm glad you are feeling a sense of peace about it right now. It makes it a lot easier, I find.

    I also have trouble interacting with groups of people, talking the way I used to. I've been realizing more and more lately how losing Jacob, and then my miscarriages, have changed me.

    I'm glad Dereck is with you for the Walk to Remember. It is will a sad occassion, seeing all those babyloss parents, but hopefully feel good to be doing something with the parents and for the babies too.

  7. I agree that if we weren't friends with people prior to Addi then I don't have much to say...funny how that works!

    Hope the walk is healing for you. Ours was in June and it was so nice to spend the day thinking about Addi in a group of people who get it. The balloon release was tough but really amazing. I look forward to reading about it :)


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